Month: February 2021

True Fact:  The Shapiro Undergraduate Library at the University of Michigan recently closed for a couple of days after 3 Mediterranean recluse spiders were found in a basement storage area there (Detroit Free Press, Feb. 23rd online).  

Not surprisingly, college librarians across the country have reacted with embarrassment.  “The last thing we need right now is confirmation of a stereotype that librarians are laughably meek,” claims Kate Menifee-Sprengler, Circulation Director at the San Diego State University library.  “Our library is only 8.4 miles from the San Diego Zoo, and escaped creatures show up here on a regular basis.  We don’t close down the damn building…..we just deal with it.

“For example, last spring an anaconda found its way into the 18th-Century British History section of the stacks and swallowed a sophomore English major.  Unfortunate?  Of course.  But, hey, life goes on.  Three days later we installed a sign at the entrance to that section saying “Watch out for anacondas.”  There have been no further incidents. 

“Want another example?  A rabid cheetah took up residence in our 3rd-floor men’s bathroom a couple of months ago.  We simply put yellow CRIME-SCENE tape across the door and redirected traffic to a 4th-floor restroom that had been cleared of a murder-hornet infestation the previous year.  Problem solved.  

“We handle stuff like this all the time, and never shut down because of it.  Hell, last week I was bitten on the forearm by an orangutan that had gotten into the staff lunch room, and I didn’t even go to the infirmary.  Here, take a look at these incisor marks — they go all the way down to the bone, by the way.

“And what would you have us do about Crawley Crawlerson, the Mathematics professor who was denied tenure in 1998 and has been living in the air-conditioning ductwork above the main Reading Room ever since?  Sure, in the evening he occasionally startles a jittery undergrad, but Crawley is basically harmless.  Should we hunt him down and throw him out?  I don’t think so.”

“Michigan librarians, it’s time for you folks to SUCK….IT….UP and do your job!”

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that “the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and the University of California at Berkeley are forbidding on-campus students to exercise outdoors, in an effort to bring coronavirus transmission under control” (February 11th online).

So, what should students at these two schools do to stay physically fit?

Have sex. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here, in its entirety, is the joint statement issued by the Chancellors of the two institutions:

Dear Students —

Having sex in the secure environment of your dorm room is one of the safest things you can do right now.  In a typical heterosexual episode lasting 24 minutes, the male expends 101 calories and the female, 69.  These figures might need to be adjusted slightly for same-sex encounters (which we’re fine with, by the way), but the fundamental message is clear: having sex is a great way to discharge pent-up energy after a long day of quarantining with Zoom classes. 

Let’s do the math, shall we?  If you have sex just 5 times a day — which should not be a challenge if you’re between 18 and 22 — you’ll burn over 500 calories daily if you’re a male and nearly 350 if you’re a female.  Incorporating a trapeze into these encounters can triple the calories you expend.  GOOD JOB!

So, go ahead and have fun, but make sure to practice safe sex by wearing a mask.  Also, the chaplains at both of our institutions have indicated that “solitaire sex” should not be engaged in under ANY circumstances.  Such behavior is sinful, and burns relatively few calories.  

Thank you for your attention, and we hope you have a terrific semester! 

Sometimes higher education gets it right.

 

 

Yes, This is True:  On February 2nd, Missouri’s Western District Court of Appeals ruled that employees of the University of Missouri System, including faculty, can bring guns to campus, but they do NOT have the right to fire those weapons there.  

At first glance, the logic of this decision might seem questionable.  However, the Court notes in an addendum that “our decision does not prohibit employees from using a gun to pistol-whip miscreants.  Indeed, given the annoying behavior of so many college students these days, the Court strongly encourages faculty members to use firearms in this way whenever issuing reprimands in face-to-face classes.  There are times when a bloodied forehead or a broken nose can be much more powerful than a lecture in sending a vital educational message to everyone in the room.”

Lest we forget, Missouri is the Show-Me State, not the Coddle-Me State.

Sexual harassment on college campuses remains one of the most stubborn challenges facing higher education.  Virtually every week there are reports of male professors being accused of pressuring female students for sex or engaging in other inappropriate behaviors towards them. 

Finally, a major university has decided to take drastic action to address the problem. 

Beginning in September 2021, Purdue University will only hire male faculty members who are 9 years old or younger.  (Female hires will not be subject to this policy.) 

According to Purdue President Mitch Daniels, “the vast majority of boys 9 and under have not reached puberty, so the likelihood that they will engage in serious sexual mischief is slim.  Our female students deserve to be in an environment that is not suffused with the leering of a Pervy Perverson wandering around the classroom, peering down their blouses.”

But how can 9-year-old boys be expected to teach college courses?

“Not a problem.  All classes will employ a group discussion format.  The instructor will begin each session with the question, ‘So, what did you think of the reading for today?’  And off they’ll go.  If necessary, the instructor will use follow-up prompts such as ‘Say more about that’, ‘Please elaborate’, and ‘What are some other ways of thinking about this issue?’

What happens when the boys hit puberty in 3 or 4 years?

“Once again, not a problem.  We let them go.  All of these youngsters will be considered adjunct faculty, which means they basically have no rights recognized by the U. S. Constitution.  As a cost-saving measure, this new policy is a gift from God.  For example, we won’t have to spend a penny on health insurance, since the boys will be covered under their parents’ plan.  Oh, Sweet Jesus, this is a great deal!”

Are there any downsides?

“Spitballs and hair-pulling.  Pre-teen boys can be a pain in the ass in their own right.  Female students will be encouraged not to wear pigtails in class.  Also, we’ve found that young male instructors like to make fart noises, or actually fart, throughout the class.  We’ll have to do something about that.  But, truly, these are minor issues.”

What will happen to the adult male faculty members currently at Purdue?

“Mainly, we’ll offer them buy-outs and phased retirement plans.  We might try to place some of them in boarding schools for girls in New England or Thailand, if they so desire.  We have connections in both places. 

“I guarantee you, a year from now Purdue University is going to have a kick-ass boys’ choir — the best one in the Big Ten!”

Close your eyes, listen carefully, and let the Ode to Joy wash over you.