Thank You, COVID-19….

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that “the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and the University of California at Berkeley are forbidding on-campus students to exercise outdoors, in an effort to bring coronavirus transmission under control” (February 11th online).

So, what should students at these two schools do to stay physically fit?

Have sex. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here, in its entirety, is the joint statement issued by the Chancellors of the two institutions:

Dear Students —

Having sex in the secure environment of your dorm room is one of the safest things you can do right now.  In a typical heterosexual episode lasting 24 minutes, the male expends 101 calories and the female, 69.  These figures might need to be adjusted slightly for same-sex encounters (which we’re fine with, by the way), but the fundamental message is clear: having sex is a great way to discharge pent-up energy after a long day of quarantining with Zoom classes. 

Let’s do the math, shall we?  If you have sex just 5 times a day — which should not be a challenge if you’re between 18 and 22 — you’ll burn over 500 calories daily if you’re a male and nearly 350 if you’re a female.  Incorporating a trapeze into these encounters can triple the calories you expend.  GOOD JOB!

So, go ahead and have fun, but make sure to practice safe sex by wearing a mask.  Also, the chaplains at both of our institutions have indicated that “solitaire sex” should not be engaged in under ANY circumstances.  Such behavior is sinful, and burns relatively few calories.  

Thank you for your attention, and we hope you have a terrific semester! 

Sometimes higher education gets it right.