A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article examines the “telltale signs of financial distress” that serve as Tarot cards for the impending demise of a college or university (September 30th online). Of course, there are the usual suspects (e.g., declines in enrollment, raids on the endowment), but what about the more subtle indicators that your school is in danger of going belly up?
Here are the Top Ten to look out for:
— Every restroom on campus has been retrofitted with pay toilets and a change-making machine that accepts dollar bills.
— As you pull into the main parking lot, a disheveled adult carrying a squeegee and a pail of dirty water shuffles up to your car and aggressively inquires: “Clean your windshield?” It’s the Provost.
— The condom packages in the punch bowl at Health Services are all stamped “IRREGULAR.”
— In order to cut lighting costs during the Drama Department’s annual production of Our Town, the director has Emily Webb die in the middle of the play’s first — and only — act.
— Running water is only available in the residence halls on odd-numbered days of the month.
— The school’s Chief Financial Officer has been wearing black to every campus event for the past year, including Chi Omega’s Spring Pastel Festival.
— When students show up at the Counseling Center for help with emotional problems, the receptionist simply hands them a laminated business card containing the message, “GET A GRIP!”
— The uniforms for the football team no longer include helmets or pants.
— At Homecoming, the main organized activities for alumni are picking up litter on the campus quad and removing obscene graffiti from pay-toilet stalls.
— Students are responsible for bringing their own silverware, condiments, and napkins to the dining hall. On Buffalo-Wing Fridays, chickens are plucked by Pell Grant students before frying.
Schools displaying three or more of the above characteristics typically close within five years.