The many publicized flaws in FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) have led critics to bludgeon the Department of Education with the vigor of psychotic 8-year-olds on a sugar high at a birthday party wielding spiked baseball bats at a piñata.
But the pummeling may finally be over.
On Wednesday, the Department of Education debuted a new, streamlined, 10-item FAFSA that should silence those who have been trashing the application. As a service to University Life readers, we present FAFSA 4.0.
(1) How much money do your parents have right now?
Dollars _____ Cents _____
(2) How much of that amount are they willing to spend on your first year of college?
Dollars _____ Cents _____
(3) No, seriously. How much? (Assume they love you a moderate amount.)
Dollars _____ Cents _____
(4) Are you willing to engage in sex work during your first year of college in order to help pay your tuition bill?
Yes _____
No _____ (skip to Question 6)
(5) How physically attractive are you?
_____ Smokin’
_____ Pretty good-looking
_____ Reasonably attractive, depending on the lighting
_____ Not great, by any means
_____ One-eyed dogs missing a leg have crossed the street to avoid me
(6) Would you be willing to attend college if you could only afford the dining hall’s Super-Economy Meal Plan (one meal every other day)?
Yes _____
No _____
(7) Would you have a problem with occasionally stealing cash that your college roommate carelessly left lying around your shared room?
Yes _____
No _____
(8) Are you okay with attending a crappy school in a warm climate if it meant that you could spend less money on clothes for the winter?
Yes _____
No _____
Exactly how crappy are we talking? _____
(9) Are you applying to college because you want to go, or because your parents want you to go?
I want to go _____
It’s my parents _____
(10) No, seriously.
I want to go _____
It’s my parents _____
Pilot-testing indicates that 97% of high-school seniors can complete this application in less than 5 minutes.
A tip of the hat to the Department of Education, which finally gets a win.