Month: March 2019

A recent Bloomberg headline observes that “Notre Dame and Baylor Admit More Legacies than Harvard and Yale.”  Specifically, 22% of Notre Dame’s freshman class this year are children of alumni, while the corresponding figure for Baylor is 32%.

What do these two schools have in common, you ask?

GOD.

Notre Dame is a Catholic institution, while Baylor is Baptist.  According to Notre Dame President John Jenkins, the application folders of all its legacy students are forwarded to the Vatican, where Pope Francis makes the decision.  “He looks most favorably upon applicants whose parents waited until they were married to have sex,” says Jenkins.  When University Life asked how the Pope would have knowledge of such personal information, the President’s response was immediate and forceful.  “Francis is the POPE, for Pete’s sake!  Doesn’t the word ‘infallible’ mean anything to you?  He never gets stuff like this wrong.  Also, the application form requires parents to answer a battery of questions on their ‘intimacy history’.  Duh!”

At Baylor they eliminate the middleman and go straight to the Almighty for guidance.  As President Linda Livingstone put it, “Baptists don’t recognize the Pope, and I mean that literally.  Hell, if Francis showed up in Waco at Jasper’s Bar-B-Que on a Saturday night drinking Dr Pepper and wearing a 10-gallon papal mitre, nobody would recognize him.

“We  deal directly with the Holy Ghost, who has more free time than either God the Father or the Son for reviewing folders in December, when our flow of applications is heaviest.  Jesus tends to be really overcommitted during the Christmas season, making personal appearances at congregations all over the country.  As we like to say in Texas, ‘He’s busier than a teen-age horned toad during mating season!'” 

The Presidents agree that their high legacy-admission rates reflect their faiths’ deep commitment to family.  In the words of President Livingstone, “When you accept the child of parents who respect and fear the Lord, you know that you’re going to have those folks in your corner the next time a sex scandal hits your school.  And you can bet the farm that there will be a next time.  So, it’s sort of like taking out an insurance policy with God.”

Amen, Sister.

After an investigation revealed that a professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City “compelled his students to act as his personal servants” (no joke), he resigned before he could be fired.  In response, schools around the country have been clarifying their policies concerning the tasks that faculty members can, and CANNOT, ask their graduate assistants to perform.  Leading the way is Boston University, which published its first “OK/Not OK” list on March 21st.  According to Associate Provost and Dean of Students Galen Hedgerow, it is a work in progress and will be updated periodically.

Here’s what the list contains so far:

OK:  Babysitting your kids

Not OK:  Serving as a wet nurse

OK:  Walking your dog

Not OK:  Manually de-worming your dog

OK:  Picking up your kids at school

Not OK:  Explaining to the kids on the way home that “mommy and daddy have decided not to live together any more, but it’s not your fault”

OK:  Watering your lawn

Not OK:  Repaving your driveway

OK:  Picking up your dry cleaning

Not OK:  Stealing containers of tetrachloroethylene from the dry cleaners so you can marinate your marijuana before rolling a joint and lighting up (What….a….RUSH!)

OK:  Showing you how to program a DVR to record Red Sox games

Not OK:  Wearing nothing but red socks while performing in a home video you’re directing entitled “The Naughty, Naughty Batboy”

Thank you, BU.  It’s all about respecting boundaries.

 

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “The Merits of the Very, Very Short Course” noted that “some subjects can’t fill a full semester but can still teach valuable skills and information.”  Hence, schools like the University of Nebraska at Lincoln are developing one-credit “pop-up” courses for their students. 

For the curious among you, here’s a sampling of pop-ups being offered around the country in Spring 2019:

— Rice University  ARTS 214: The Soap Dish Throughout History — A whirlwind tour of the evolution of the soap dish, which debuted in country houses in 15th-century France as a small platter for guests to discard used strands of dental floss.  Students who complete the course receive a Holiday Inn lavender-scented pumice bar.

— Canisius College  CHEM 361: Soda Wars — A brief but intensive review of Coke vs. Pepsi, Mountain Dew vs. Mello Yello, Dr Pepper vs. Pibb Xtra, Fanta Orange vs. Orange Crush, and Sprite vs. Sierra Mist vs. 7 Up.  Trigger Warning: Students will see their urine change colors during the 3-hour final exam.  

— The University of Oregon  SOC 434: Who’s More Evil: Kevin Spacey or Louis C. K.? — This course involves group work in the form of team-oriented debates.  Prerequisites: SOC 431, 432, 433 (Contemporary Outrage 1, 2, and 3).

— College of Charleston  PSYC 288: Why Am I Blue? — Students explore their childhood psycho-history to discover why their favorite color is their favorite color.  Some trauma may occur.  Be prepared to hate one or both of your parents.  

— Boston University  PHIL 119: Thinking vs. Feeling — Students determine which mode of being is a better fit for their individual life-journey.  (Also offered in an Experiential Honors section that requires extensive drug use.  Must obtain permission to enroll from one’s roommate.)

— Reed College  HIST 362: Sipping and Culture — An examination of the role of straws in civilization from ancient times to the present, with an emphasis on current controversies surrounding the danger that plastic straws pose to low-IQ marine life.  Students will interview sea turtles.

Let’s just say it out loud: The Golden Age of Higher Education has arrived!

According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, the University of Massachusetts system will soon be diving into the deep end of the electronic pool, as it “plans to create a national online college to compete with the so-called mega-universities.”

But how will UMASS carve out a distinctive niche within this increasingly competitive marketplace?

The answer?  In a word: SMELL.

Here is UMASS President Martin Meehan, who was recently interviewed by University Life:

“In sensory terms, online education has traditionally been a pretty sterile experience.  Basically, you stare at a computer screen for however long it takes to complete a course.

“Not with our program.  When online students log on to our website, they will immediately be enveloped by the fresh, delightful aroma of the Berkshires in springtime.  The myriad scents of the trees and flowers native to the region will be disseminated through their device’s speaker vents.  We’re talking about species like the Speckled Alder, Wild Lupine, Large-Flowered Bellwort, Washington Hawthorne, and the Hackberry.  This will put students in a mood that is conducive to learning.  They will excel.  

“And we are developing tantalizing smells for every course: ‘Dusty Library Shelves’ for 19th-Century British Literature, ‘Chanel No. 5’ for Intermediate French, ‘Boiled Potatoes’ for Russian History, ‘Popcorn’ for Superhero Cinema, stuff like that.

“We haven’t decided what to do with Math courses; pocket protectors and hand calculators don’t have a particular odor.  But we’re working on it.  Theology courses also present a problem, because we don’t know what God smells like.  We might just go with frankincense and myrrh; it was good enough for the Magi.”

University Life predicts that the course on Urban Sewage Treatment will probably pose the biggest challenge.  But who knows?  Maybe your poop just smells better in the Berkshires.

 

In the world of higher education, the Happy-Hour query “What’s your sign?” has been replaced by “What’s your niche?”  For instance, in a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “Small Christian Colleges Seek Niches to Be Competitive,” the author notes that “faith-based colleges [now] look for ways to set themselves apart from one another while staying true to their religious missions.”  Unfortunately, the article overlooks three of the most intriguing examples of this phenomenon.  Consider the following:

—  At Our Lady of the Screeching Willows College in Kanawha, Iowa, students can major in Divine Imaging (DI).  Undergraduates learn how to discern and identify images of saints hidden in the surrounding environment — for example, the face of the Virgin Mary in a Low-Sodium Ritz cracker…..St. Augustine’s profile in a muddy footprint in a pasture parking lot on Hog-Rasslin’ Day at the state fair…..or the glowing visage of Joan of Arc at the bottom of a Weber charcoal grill’s porcelain bowl.  

According to Provost Dexter Slanz, “DI graduates are in high demand for jobs in the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security.  If there’s something to be found, our students will find it.  Even if there’s nothing to be found, our students will find it.”

—  Flaming Tabernacle Christian College, in Kerrville, Texas, is the only school in the U.S. that offers a Transubstantiation major.  Chemistry Professor Daphne Yurt, program advisor, beams when talking about her students.  “Our graduates can not only turn water into wine, they can turn it into Mountain Dew or sweet tea.  They can make kale chips out of wool socks, and transform armadillo roadkill into chicken nuggets for KFC, one of our corporate partners.  And don’t get me started on what they can do with a standard-issue communion wafer.  You want it turned into a seedless watermelon?  Done.  A Bruno Mars CD?  No problem.  This the best major ever!

— Finally, students can major in Holy Ghost Dove Breeding (HGDB) at Nite-Lite of the Lord Veterinary College in Newport News, Virginia.  Nite-Lite’s President, the Reverend Delfin Quince, observes that “our HGDB majors aren’t raising ordinary birds.  They infuse every one of these creatures with the ineffable spirit of the Holy Ghost.  We sell our Nite-Lite Doves for about $3500 each.  Congregations around the world are clamoring for them, because they guarantee eternal life.  Of course, all bets are off if a feral cat possessed by Satan sneaks into the parish bird house the night before the annual Dove-O-Mania Procession and Fish Fry.  Goddammit, I hate those cats!”

Amen, Reverend.  Amen.