Month: April 2025

Late Tuesday night, Columbia University was expelled from the Ivy League by a unanimous vote of the seven remaining schools. 

Higher education pundits agree that Columbia’s fate was sealed when Harvard President Alan Garber informed President Donald J. Trump in a letter that Trump’s administration “could go f**k itself,” and that Harvard had no intention of complying with any demands it received from the “clown car of scabrous sycophants” that worked for him. 

Harvard’s response sharply contrasted with the actions of Columbia, which had collapsed like a puff pastry in a hailstorm when the Trump administration came calling a few weeks earlier. 

“There is no way the other Ivy League schools were going to let Columbia stay,” reported one Ivy League insider.  “The last time the leaders of those institutions got together, nobody would even talk to Columbia President Claire Shipman.  She ended up standing in a corner, sipping on a Diet Coke and chatting with one of the shrimp cocktail servers.  No self-respecting Ivy League President would be caught dead conversing with somebody carrying a tray.”  

It is expected that Columbia will seek membership in the Mid-American Conference, and that Bowdoin College will be invited to replace Columbia in the Ivy League.  

 

Donald J. Trump is coming for HBCUs.  

And don’t even think about saying you’re surprised.

On Friday, the President announced that he has instructed the Department of Education to shut down every Historically Black College and University in the country.  As he explained to reporters, “the Blacks, they love me.  They always have, because I tell them the truth.  So, here’s the truth:  I can no longer overlook the fact that HBCUs focus so much of their attention on people of color.  It’s ‘Black this’ and ‘Black that’ all of the time at those schools. 

“How about showing the Jewish people a little love for a change?  For example, how many full-service synagogues operate on HBCU campuses?  What is a Morehouse or Grambling student supposed to do if he experiences a sudden urge to get a Bar Mitzvah at 2:00 in the morning?  Where does he go?  Who can he call?  Does his dorm even have a rabbi?  Is there any place you can get a Hebrew National hot dog at Fisk University?  I didn’t think so.  Sounds like anti-Semitism to me.

“And another thing.  There are HBCUs all over the South, and not one of them has a single working plantation or statue of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, Strom Thurmond, or Bull Connor.  Where’s the respect for history?  And how can you find anything on campus if every street, avenue, path, and lane is named after Martin Luther King, Jr. or Spike Lee?  

“What about the fact that the only subject you can major in at an HBCU is James Baldwin?  You can’t even take an elective course on the films of his nephew, Alec.  It’s so hypocritical.  Alec was terrific as Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October.  So terrific.  And he’s the only decent host that Saturday Night Live has ever had, and that includes me. 

“So sad about the shooting that Mr. Baldwin was involved in on a movie set a few years ago.  Tragically sad.  ‘Make sure to check the chamber before you aim a gun at someone’ — that’s what Melania is always telling me.  Do you know that she carries a derringer in her thong?  No way I’m going into the White House bedroom after dark when she’s in one of her moods.  You can take that to the bank.”

According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, a teach-out plan for all HBCU programs will be in place by mid-June.