BREAKING NEWS: The University of North Texas has indicated that it will not fund the trip of several faculty members to an August conference to deliver a presentation on what it deems to be a DEI topic (Chronicle of Higher Education Daily Briefing, July 10th).
To be sure, this is an annoying development for the affected individuals. But it pales in comparison to what happened to a quartet of professors from the University of South Florida, who were attending a February conference in Reno, Nevada. They were informed that the school had cancelled their hotel reservations and would not be paying for their return flight to Tampa. The reason? USF’s Provost had determined that the professors’ panel session on the mating habits of albino crocodiles violated the state’s ban on DEI activities.
Interestingly, the four stranded professors have remained in the Reno area and are starting new lives.
Assistant Professor Monica Gwemble is now a sex worker catering to high-end patrons of Reno’s casinos. “I don’t want to romanticize this line of employment,” she told a reporter, “but I make more money in a month doing this than I did in a year in my academic job. And I no longer spend countless hours agonizing over the possibility that students are using AI to write term papers for me. What a relief to have that burden lifted. Here, please take my new business card and a half-price coupon.”
Graham Furstil’s story is more somber. A nationally known expert on reptile albinism, he attempted to gamble his way back to USF via Reno’s blackjack tables. He lost everything and now sells miniature-golf pencils outside of the Grand Sierra Resort on East 2nd Street. “It sucks,” says Furstil, “but at least I’m done with grading take-home exams every weekend. That sucked even more. And don’t get me started on the number of USF students who don’t know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.”
Gavin Helftt and Wendy Stremsen, who became romantically involved on the first day of the conference, decided to establish a religion together. The Nevada Temple of Blessed Blessedness began operating in a Reno storefront on April 9th and currently has over 175 regular attendees at its Thursday evening services. Professor Stremsen described the Temple’s doctrine as one that blends divinely inspired colonic cleansing with avocado worship, “both of which are much more engaging than attending a typical USF department meeting.” The Temple’s communion service features free tortilla chips (choice of Salsa Verde or Queso).
In these troubled times, it’s nice to know that there is life outside of the academy.