Month: November 2019

Financially troubled Cincinnati Christian University will close at the end of the Fall 2019 semester (no joke).  Among the Hail Mary passes it launched to save the school as the game clock ran down was, ironically, the establishment of a football program.  Pass incomplete.  Game over.  

If only CCU had followed the path of tiny Flemingsburg Bible College in eastern Kentucky, it might have survived.  Plagued by declining enrollment over the past several years, Flemingsburg scored a heavenly coup when it announced on Tuesday that God the Father (yes, that God the Father) will join the faculty as a Distinguished Visiting Lecturer for the Fall 2020 semester.  

“We’re overjoyed,” exclaims Dr. Gwendall Cistern, Flemingsburg’s President.  “The Almighty will be teaching four courses for us that semester.  It’s a heavy load, to be sure, but He is God, after all, and we won’t expect Him to publish or serve on any committees.  He’ll also coach the women’s field hockey team, but that’s something he volunteered for.   He will reside on campus in Eden Gardens, our graduate student housing complex.”

Here are the four Special Topics courses that God will offer in Fall 2020:

Biology 710  The Creation: An Insider’s Perspective — An in-depth analysis of how the Almighty multi-tasked during the seven days He fashioned the universe.  Will go far beyond the basic details provided in the Book of Genesis.  The course will be accompanied by an exhibition, at the college’s art gallery, of never-before-seen photos from that fateful week.  The longstanding question of what God did on the Seventh Day (His “day of rest”) will also be answered.  (Course can be taken with lab [4 credits] or without lab [3 credits].)

Philosophy 651  The Ethics of Tragedy — Why does God allow horrible things to happen to innocent people (e.g., typhoons, childhood leukemia, earthquakes, Lou Gehrig’s disease, chronic dandruff)?  In this course the Almighty will explain His reasoning.  Required Prerequisite:  Psychology 342  Mood and Behavior.  

Theology 531  Eternal Happiness — What do people actually do in heaven?  Is it perpetually daytime in the firmament, or are there evenings as well?  Do residents ever sleep?  What about haircuts, meals, and public transportation?  Are Netflix and HBO available?  If so, do heaven-dwellers get to see the new season of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” before folks on earth do?  All these questions, and more, will be addressed. 

Metaphysics 317  Second Thoughts — An examination of decisions made by the Almighty that He believes don’t look so terrific in hindsight.  Topics have yet to be finalized, but are likely to include the following: baseball’s designated hitter rule, Twitter, mosquitoes, the Ivy League, and white people.  

The Fall 2020 semester will also feature guest lectures by the original Mary and the Holy Ghost, to be held in the Corinthians Amphitheater. 

SCHEDULE 

October 15th, 8:00 pm  An Evening with Mary: Question and Answer Session on the Immaculate Conception

November 12th, 9:00 pm  The Holy Ghost: My Life as a Dove

December 3rd, 7:30 pm  An Evening with Mary II: Challenges in Raising a Gifted Child

Applications to Flemingsburg for Fall 2020 have increased eight-fold when compared with those for Fall 2019.  Details concerning the Almighty’s compensation have not been disclosed, but as President Cistern notes, “having God on campus for an entire semester is a bargain at any price!”

 

True Fact:  In a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article on diversity/inclusion challenges at the University of Iowa, an anonymous staff member observed that finding a partner can be difficult for a single person of color in a largely white environment.

A significant problem, to be sure.  But a little creativity can go a long way….  

Consider, for example, the University of Maine at Orono, a school located in one of the whitest states in the nation.  Beginning in September 2020, any faculty member of color who has been at the University for at least two years without finding a partner of color will be provided, free of charge, with a white spouse.  

According to University spokesperson Henrietta Kayak-Pine, “we’re not talking about connecting you with some random white person who’s been living alone in a yurt at Baxter State Park for the past decade, subsisting on alpine bearberry leaves and pond algae.  These folks will be thoroughly vetted professionals who’ll bring something of value to the relationship.  White people can make fine spouses, as long as you choose them carefully.  Sure, my husband Earl is an absolute jerk, but that’s not because he’s white, it’s because he’s a guy.  His idea of a night out for the two of us is sitting in our Ski-Doo in the driveway during a blizzard, eating Slim Jims and listening to a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band on his transistor radio.

“All of the spouses provided by the Orono program will be graduates of a three-week summer training institute that focuses on how to be a good husband or wife, both inside and outside of the bedroom.  And you’ll know their score on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) before meeting them.  I’m just sorry that Earl never had the opportunity to participate in this training.  We’d both be a lot happier, and I probably wouldn’t have shot him in the leg last winter.

“Let’s be honest.  Although the racial demographics of the United States are shifting dramatically, Maine is likely to remain 95% white until at least the year 3000.  Convincing people of color to come to a place where 15% of the population marry caribou, and the state dessert is snow-on-a-stick, is not easy to accomplish.  We must do more.”

Indeed, you must.