University Life

The stifling atmosphere that envelopes higher education in Texas continues to take its toll.  According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, an AAUP survey of college faculty in the Lone Star State reveals that approximately one-third of the respondents had applied for a job outside of Texas in the past two years (Daily Briefing, September 16th online).  

Indeed, the competition for Texas professors is getting fierce, with out-of-state schools offering increasingly attractive incentives to lure them away.  Consider the following:

Grinnell College in Iowa recently sealed the deal with a Rice University music professor when it offered her a boxed CD set of Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys’ Greatest Hits, which includes 25 previously unreleased demo tracks of their 1940 chart topper, “San Antonio Rose.”  

After Cornell University obtained permission from the Ithaca Police Department, a former Rice University criminology professor is now authorized to open-carry a loaded six-shooter on campus.  “This is a win-win for us,” claims Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff.  “Not only is our new hire ecstatic, but just last week he shot a senior in the leg who was bullying an underclassman on the quadrangle.  It’s like having Wyatt Earp on our faculty.”

The University of Vermont has given a year’s supply of tumbleweed to a UT-Austin classics professor who grew up dirt-poor in a one-room cabin outside of Amarillo.  “Reminds her of home,” says UV President Marlene Tromp.  “She keeps the tumbleweed in her office, so it’s a bit of a fire hazard, but she spritzes it every day, so it’s all good.”

Bowdoin College in Maine has presented a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader to a professor of sports management who previously taught at the University of Houston.  “I’m not even sure it’s legal to do this, given Maine’s laws against sex trafficking,” observes Safa Zaki, Bowdoin’s President.  “But we’ll never find out if we don’t try.” 

Finally, the University of Kentucky is offering a brand-new horse to every Texas-based professor who joins its faculty in 2027.  “Our state has the finest thoroughbreds in the nation,” asserts Kentucky President Eli Capilouto. “And we’re installing hitching posts outside of every classroom building on campus.  One more thing: beginning in January, all-you-can-eat servings of chewing tobacco will be available at the salad bar in the faculty dining room.  What’s not to love?”

Will there be any professors left in Texas by the end of the decade?

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article argues that “alignment” is the latest vapid term that universities employ to make more palatable a variety of administrative actions that are of questionable merit (August 6th online).

True, but things could be worse. 

A review of strategic planning documents from institutions around the country reveals a host of descriptors that are even more gag-inducing than “alignment.”  For example:

Reed College:  This free-spirited liberal arts school in Oregon is committed to the “cannabisation” of its entire curriculum in the coming decade.  According to Reed’s Vision for the Future, released in May, “every one of our courses will be marijuana-informed by 2035.  From Shakespeare to Paleontology to Quantum Physics, the role that weed has played in the evolution of the modern world will be explored in detail by Reed faculty. Our new motto: Inhale, Learn, Doze”

Arizona State University:  A behemoth of online education, ASU is pledging to “Jiffy Lube” every aspect of its functioning by 2030.  In an August 26th letter published in the Chronicle, ASU President Michael Crow observed: “If Jiffy Lube can change your car’s oil in 15 minutes, ASU should be able to deliver a three-credit course in the same amount of time.  Stand back and be amazed, mofos!”

University of Miami:  The home of the Hurricanes plans to “deep tan” its faculty, staff, and student body starting in the fall of 2027.  “Although we’re not permitted by the federal government to engage in any DEI activities here at The U,” says President Joseph Echevarria, “we want to demonstrate our commitment to people of color by supplying the white members of our community with unlimited access to Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil (SPF 0).  It will be available from all of the sanitizing dispensers that were installed on campus back in 2020 when we thought COVID was a real thing.”

Oral Roberts University:  “We’re going to ‘bonfire’ this place from top to bottom,” according to President William Wilson.  “And I’m not talking metaphorically.  There are just too many books out there containing ideas that can confuse our students and lead them astray.  So, just to be safe, we’re going to burn ALL of our books — each and every one of them.  Of course, I know what some of you are thinking: ‘Isn’t this similar to what the Nazis did in Germany in the 1930s?’  Well, yes, it is, and what exactly is the problem?” 

California Institute of Technology:  Caltech will begin its “Spirochete Initiative” in January 2027.  Named after the spiral-shaped bacteria that can invade the brain in the latter stages of syphilis, the Spirochete Initiative will consist of implanting Level 5 AI chips in the frontal lobes of all Caltech professors.  “We are not afraid of technology’s future,” asserts the school’s President, President Ray Jayawardhana.  “Indeed, we embrace it.  By the time we’re done, Caltech will have the most kick-ass faculty on the planet.”

Maybe “alignment” isn’t so bad after all.  

The headline of a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article is provocative: “Colleges Teach Gender and Race.  They Ignore Class.” (July 30th online) 

The argument put forth by the authors — that instructors in higher education don’t pay enough attention to social class — is a compelling one.  But it’s incomplete, says Clifton Gravure, Professor of Political Science at the University of Missouri.  In an essay in the most recent issue of The Atlantic, entitled “The ‘D’ Word,” Gravure asserts that the most glaring deficiency in undergraduate courses across the country is the neglect of the role of dipshits in daily life.  

“Dipshits are everywhere,” Gravure claims.  “Of course, we have lots of high-profile dipshits, such as those found in politics, government, the entertainment industry, professional sports, and organized religion.  But what about the dipshits we encounter on a daily basis?  The tailgater who weaves in and out of highway traffic at 85 miles per hour?  The nitwit at the movie theater who keeps checking her smartphone for Taylor Swift updates?  The co-worker who never stops complaining about the clogged soap dispenser in the restroom?  The numbskull who tosses a Dunkin’ Donuts cup out of a car window onto the sidewalk?  Fast-food cashiers who act as if they would rather be disemboweled with a spatula dipped in molten lava than interact with you?  The list is endless.  

“The impact of dipshits on societal quality of life, day in and day out, is hard to overestimate.  This phenomenon cuts across gender, race, and social class; it unites us all.  Clearly, it warrants much more systematic research than it has received, and that scholarship needs to be shared in the classroom.”

NOTE:  The University of Missouri plans to introduce an undergraduate minor in Dipshit Studies in the fall of 2027. 

 

BREAKING NEWS:  According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, “AI cases have overwhelmed academic-integrity committees across the country, leaving professors and administrators scrambling over how to prove — and punish — misuse” (August 13th online). 

Relax, folks.  The Massachusetts Institute of Technology has come up with a solution.  Sally Kornbluth, MIT’s President, announced on Sunday that she has disbanded the school’s seven-member Academic Ethics Committee and replaced it with GOTCHA!, an AI android that serves as the sole hearing officer for cases of student plagiarism and cheating.

“With GOTCHA!, the review process is easy-peasy,” says Kornbluth.  “We simply provide the android with the name of the accused student.  After GOTCHA! examines its comprehensive data bank on the student’s pre-college life, including his/her criminal record, eating habits, and known list of associates, it renders a decision of ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’.  Thoroughly exploring a student’s biography in this way will tell you everything you need to know about whether that student would do something bad in college.  There’s no need to look at the suspicious paper or exam produced by the student.  Once GOTCHA! has the student’s name, the whole process takes about 15 minutes.  Incredible!“

A guilty verdict typically results in GOTCHA! imposing a sentence of life in prison.  “We’ve lost nearly a quarter of our freshman class to incarceration this year,” Kornbluth acknowledges.  “Yes, it’s an unfortunate outcome for those individuals and their families, but let’s count our blessings.  In Texas, where the death penalty is in force, these students would literally be toast.  If GOTCHA! existed in the Lone Star State, there wouldn’t be an undergraduate left alive at Texas A&M.  Hell, those kids use AI to script their moans during sex.”

“We’re doing things the right way, here in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,” Kornbluth asserts.  “Nobody knows AI better than AI.”

BREAKING NEWS:  In Fall 2027, Wyoming will become the nation’s first state in which it is impossible for an undergraduate to major in Philosophy (Chronicle of Higher Education Daily Briefing, July 27th online).  

One of the saddest repercussions of this development is the likely shutting down of the annual “Philosophers’ Rodeo Days” in Cody, Wyoming.  Established in 1952 by Chester Stybell, a cattle rancher who obtained his B. A. in Philosophy from the University of Wyoming in 1930, the rodeo was open to Philosophy majors from all over the state. 

The three-day event in July features typical rodeo competitions such as bull riding, calf roping, and barrel racing.  In addition, contestants analyze classic philosophical brainteasers (e.g., “What is the soul?”  “Does altruism truly exist?” “Can you really be friends with your ex-spouse?”  “Why is a wild pitch in baseball not recorded as an error?”) while navigating — blindfolded and on horseback — a full-scale re-creation of Plato’s Cave.

Carson Stybell, Chester’s son (B. A. in Philosophy, University of Wyoming, 1961), took over the rodeo in 1993 after his dad suffered a fatal aneurysm while sitting on the back porch trying to figure out whether a Mobius Strip has one side or two.  Stybell the Younger informed reporters that attendance at the event has been declining steadily over the past two decades: “The high-water mark for the rodeo was 1998, when we had over 800 contestants and a three-day total of nearly 15,000 attendees.  This year, only 27 philosopher cowboys showed up and we didn’t even sell 600 tickets over the three days.  It’s a damn shame.  Thank God my dad didn’t live long enough to see this; it would have broken his heart.  Where else in America can you find rodeo clowns dressed as Socrates, Aristotle, and John Rawls?”

Where else, indeed? 

BREAKING NEWS:  The University of North Texas has indicated that it will not fund the trip of several faculty members to an August conference to deliver a presentation on what it deems to be a DEI topic (Chronicle of Higher Education Daily Briefing, July 10th).

To be sure, this is an annoying development for the affected individuals.  But it pales in comparison to what happened to a quartet of professors from the University of South Florida, who were attending a February conference in Reno, Nevada.  They were informed that the school had cancelled their hotel reservations and would not be paying for their return flight to Tampa.  The reason?  USF’s Provost had determined that the professors’ panel session on the mating habits of albino crocodiles violated the state’s ban on DEI activities. 

Interestingly, the four stranded professors have remained in the Reno area and are starting new lives. 

Assistant Professor Monica Gwemble is now a sex worker catering to high-end patrons of Reno’s casinos.  “I don’t want to romanticize this line of employment,” she told a reporter, “but I make more money in a month doing this than I did in a year in my academic job.  And I no longer spend countless hours agonizing over the possibility that students are using AI to write term papers for me.  What a relief to have that burden lifted.  Here, please take my new business card and a half-price coupon.”

Graham Furstil’s story is more somber.  A nationally known expert on reptile albinism, he attempted to gamble his way back to USF via Reno’s blackjack tables.  He lost everything and now sells miniature-golf pencils outside of the Grand Sierra Resort on East 2nd Street.  “It sucks,” says Furstil, “but at least I’m done with grading take-home exams every weekend.  That sucked even more.  And don’t get me started on the number of USF students who don’t know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.”

Gavin Helftt and Wendy Stremsen, who became romantically involved on the first day of the conference, decided to establish a religion together.  The Nevada Temple of Blessed Blessedness began operating in a Reno storefront on April 9th and currently has over 175 regular attendees at its Thursday evening services.  Professor Stremsen described the Temple’s doctrine as one that blends divinely inspired colonic cleansing with avocado worship, “both of which are much more engaging than attending a typical USF department meeting.”  The Temple’s communion service features free tortilla chips (choice of Salsa Verde or Queso). 

In these troubled times, it’s nice to know that there is life outside of the academy.   

 

 

 

Alas. Northpoint Bible College in Haverhill, Massachusetts has lost its accreditation, resulting in the termination of its undergraduate and graduate degree programs (Chronicle of Higher Education Daily Briefing, June 18th online). 

In rendering its decision on Northpoint, the New England Commission of Higher Education (NECHE) stated that an examination of the school’s curriculum revealed “myriad instances of egregious theological malfeasance.”  Noteworthy offenses include the following:

— Claiming that Almighty God never intended for white people to sing gospel music during liturgical services, and that under no circumstances should they perform folk songs in church

— Declaring that the Holy Trinity — composed of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost — has evolved into a Divine Pentangle incorporating “Stefan” (Spirit of Off-Broadway plays) and “Nadine” (Coordinator of Relics Acquisition)

— Asserting that Hell closed in 2012 due to overcrowding, with Bayonne (New Jersey), Biloxi (Mississippi), and International Falls (Minnesota) now serving as Supplemental Eternal Damnation Centers (SEDCs) 

— Stating, without evidence, that Mary, the mother of Christ, was neither a virgin nor a non-virgin but simply “a very special lady”

— Characterizing the confession of one’s sins as “dental floss for the soul”

— Using forged papyrus receipts to “prove” that the Magi presented Baby Jesus with gift cards on the night of His birth

— Insisting that Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet ran the snack bar on Noah’s Ark

— Offering the 10 Commandments as electives, rather than as part of the Core Curriculum

— Authorizing the use of solar-powered Bibles

— Maintaining that non-Christians can go to Heaven, but only if they take “the long way around,” entering through the West Annex

Tiff Shuttlesworth, Northpoint’s President, accepted NECHE’s decision “with regret,” indicating that “I will believe to my dying day that Kate and Leonardo were on that damn Ark!”

Although controversy has surrounded the recent elimination of the equestrian team at the University of California, Davis (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 15th online), observers note that this is only the latest in a series of cuts to extracurricular programs on college campuses across the country.  Here are several others that have raised eyebrows in the past few months:

— Boise State University has eliminated its Spud Squad, an undergraduate club that, for the past 35 years, has delivered piping-hot baked potatoes every Sunday evening to assisted living facilities in the Boise area.  

“The residents love the potatoes, as well as the sour-cream-and-chive smoothies that are oh-so-gentle on elderly gums, but funding this activity simply became too expensive for us,” says BSU’s Acting President, Dr. Nancy Glenn.  “And there’s no way we were going to tarnish the program’s reputation by using crappy Maine potatoes, which are cheaper.”

— The University of Vermont has shut down the Grapplers, its varsity caribou wrestling team.  According to the team’s coach, “the number of young people in New England who want to wrestle wild reindeer has plummeted in the past few years.  I guess they’d rather be on their smartphones.  It’s a damn shame.  The skills you learn in caribou wrestling stay with you for a lifetime.”

— The sun has set on the competitive tanning squad at Florida Atlantic University.  “Our decision to phase out this sport was not made for budgetary reasons,” asserts FSU’s Director of Athletics.  “It’s just that melanoma has been claiming the lives of 70% of our tanning alums before they reach the age of 35.  Simply put, we were losing too many donors before their prime earning years.  Oops, now that I think of it, that is a budgetary reason.  My bad.”

— At Villanova University, the Communion Wafer Ultimate Frisbee team is no more.  “Climate change has contributed to a worldwide communion-wafer shortage,” says team chaplain Fr. Seamus O’Leary.  “Given these circumstances, we didn’t think it was responsible for us to continue to use the body of Christ in a recreational fashion.  Once global warming is under control, we’ll revisit the issue.”

— Students at the Tufts School of Veterinary Medicine can no longer compete in speed taxidermy.  “I’m heartbroken,” says the school’s dean.  “At the NCAA’s Gut-and-Stuff finals in Des Moines last year, we came in second to Cornell.  We were poised to win it all this year, with five returning seniors on the team.  But a lawsuit brought by a Boston family that claimed we had abducted their three Labradoodles for training purposes did us in.  By the time the legal dust settled, we couldn’t even cover the cost of jerseys for our athletes.”

— The University of Connecticut’s deer-tick-removal team completed its final season in May.  “This sport never got the attention it deserved,” claims the school’s resident park ranger, who also served as the team’s coach.  “Picking ticks off of careless hikers who insist on wearing shorts in the forest is not an endeavor for the squeamish.  Sometimes you have to hold up a flaming BIC lighter right next to these critters in order to make ’em move.  Try doing that without leaving a nasty burn.  It takes a steady hand.” 

— The All-Naked-Outdoor-Hockey squad at Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota has ceased operations.  According to a nurse at the school’s health center, “there was a serious frostbite incident affecting multiple participants at a home game in February.  I can still hear those young men screaming.  Let’s just leave it at that.”

UC-Davis equestrians, you’re not the only ones in pain. 

On June 5th, the Chronicle of Higher Education reported that “Auburn University’s Board of Trustees [has] unanimously approved new policies that dissolve the existing University Senate and give the board greater control over curriculum” (Chronicle online). 

Implementation of this decision took place on the morning of June 10th, when — one by one — all 26 members of the University Senate were dissolved in an industrial drum filled with sodium hydroxide.  

According to Grady Polk, Auburn’s Campus Police Chief, “it took about three hours to get the whole job done, and the process went pretty much as one would expect.  There was a lot of screaming, of course.  The professors who grew up in organized-crime families were the calmest; this wasn’t their first rodeo, as the saying goes.  The loudest folks were the post-modernist Sociology faculty, who discovered that sodium hydroxide isn’t a social construction; it’s objective reality, and it burns.”

When Chief Polk was informed that he had misinterpreted what the Board of Trustees meant by its use of the term “dissolve,” he took full responsibility for the mistake.  “That’s my bad,” he said.  “You know, my gut was telling me all along that what we were doing was a bit harsh.  Then again, this is Alabama we’re talking about.  ‘S**t Happens’ is our state motto.  Next time, I’ll check and make sure that everybody is on the same page.” 

 

The recent Chronicle of Higher Education headline, “Soaring Athletics Costs Raise Alarms,” has become a familiar refrain on college campuses around the country (Academe Today, May 28th online).  Simply put, where are schools going to find the big money to pay athletes in high-profile sports?

Leave it to Texas Governor Greg Abbott to come up with a strategy for finessing this challenge.  On September 1, 2026, the state’s maximum-security prison in Livingston, Texas will be renamed Livingston University, with all of its inmates immediately becoming eligible to play Division I football.  

At a press conference in Austin on Saturday, Governor Abbott told reporters that “we have some amazing athletes at the Livingston facility, and it won’t take much training to transform them into top-notch football players.  Many of them are already buff from working out in the yard, and virtually all of them are highly aggressive and homicidal, traits that are essential for excelling in football in the Lone Star State. 

“We won’t be paying our student-athletes anything, because we can offer them a much stronger incentive to perform well: years subtracted from their prison sentence.  Every time Livingston University wins a game, each member of the team will have his sentence reduced by 2 years.  Hell, by the end of just one season, even a guy riding the bench could have had 20 years or more sliced from the time he has to serve in Livingston.  Death-row inmates will have their sentences converted to life in prison after the first victory.  And lifers need just one win to be granted a 50-year sentence.  From that point on, the sentence goes down by 2 years with every win. 

“Every prison in the state will have a transfer portal so inmates at those facilities can switch to Livingston University if they have the motivation and the talent to succeed.  Livingston will offer 2 degrees: a Bachelor of Finance in Sports Management and a Bachelor of Science in Garage-Based Firearms Manufacturing and Distribution.  Our graduates will be returning to their communities with marketable skills and the discipline to use them.

“Today, I pledge to all Texans: we will have a national champion in Division I football within the next 5 years, and we won’t have to spend a fortune in NIL compensation to do it.”

Livingston University will open its 2026 season with a home game against Rice University on Saturday, September 5th at 1:00 pm.  Fans planning to attend the game should allow extra time for getting through Campus Security.