Month: December 2022

In case you hadn’t noticed, graduate and undergraduate Certificate Programs have become the new crack cocaine (or is it fentanyl?) afflicting higher education curriculum designers.  Colleges and universities are tripping over themselves as they bundle together courses and offer them as packages to prospective students.  Imagine an unshaven Associate Dean in a stained trench coat and wide-brimmed fedora leaning out of a rusted 1973 Dodge Dart on a lonely city street, asking wide-eyed children if they would like some Twizzlers, a juice box, and a ride to the zoo.  

Not surprisingly, Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh has taken this enterprise to the next level.  Beginning in the fall of 2023, it will offer the nation’s first graduate certificate in Managing Certificate Programs.  

The curriculum will include the following eight courses:

MCP 701: Using Nouns and Verbs to Identify Certificate Content (3 credits)

A certificate program can be organized around any noun or verb.  For example, “bacon.”  You can have a certificate that focuses on bacon.  Or “flossing.”  Or “pin cushions.”  You get the idea. 

MCP 702: The Role of In-Person Courses in Certificate Education (0.5 credit)

Ha-ha.  Just kidding. 

MCP 703: Staffing Certificate Programs (2 credits)

Must instructors be literate?  Is a literacy requirement discriminatory?  If it is, to whom should the program apologize on its website?

MCP 704: Waiving Course Requirements Based on Life Experience (3 credits)

For example, a certificate program in Walking should permit ambulatory students to skip the introductory course on Biped Locomotion.

MCP 705: Certificate Program Ethics (2 credits)

Are certificate programs inherently evil, or are they just benignly useless?  Do certificate-program administrators go to hell after they die?  If so, for how long?  Can underemployed certificate holders demand reparations, including land?

MCP 706: Transfer Portals for Certificate Programs (3 credits)

Should certificate students be allowed to take their credits with them to another certificate program if the two programs are significantly different?  For example, switching from a program in Fish Appreciation to one in Detergent Awareness?

MCP 707: Designing the Certificate Document (5 credits)

Parchment or regular paper?  Calibri, Times New Roman, or Helvetica font?  Latin, Old English, or Esperanto?  Cartoons or no cartoons?

MCP 708: Commencement Protocol (3 credits)

How to keep a straight face and avoid eye contact when awarding certificates at graduation.  Reminding attendees that there are no honorary degree recipients because certificates aren’t degrees.  Announcing tentative dates for the Fall Homecoming Tailgate Party, to be held in a local Walmart parking lot. 

Applicants for Fall 2023 admission to a Carnegie Mellon certificate program should submit a bank statement and 100-word essay on a topic of their choice by July 1st.  

 

TRUE FACT:  The Colorado State University System recently proclaimed Amy Parsons the sole finalist for the position of President at Colorado State University at Fort Collins.  Some professors there are distressed that the Search Committee did not invite multiple candidates to visit the campus to meet with faculty, staff, and students (Chronicle of Higher Education, December 12th online).  

Relax, Fort Collins. 

Things could be worse. 

Consider the plight of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa Community College (MLCC), which is located on the slope of Mauna Loa, one of the world’s largest active volcanos.  When MLCC recently sought to hire a new President, only one person even applied for the job.

“It’s a damn shame,” says Search Committe Chair Vincent Flahela.  “We have a beautiful campus, except when it’s being consumed by molten lava flowing down the mountain.  Sure, it can be a bit disconcerting to watch a desk, whiteboard, classmate, or colleague turn bright orange and melt right in front of you.  But isn’t higher education all about embracing challenges?  The fact that we only had one applicant shows how risk-averse aspiring administrators are in today’s ‘woke’ environment.  We were prepared to offer a free hazmat suit to every candidate we invited to campus, but it didn’t make a difference.  The only person who ended up submitting a CV was the Provost at Minefields Academy in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.” 

At least Mauna Loa had one applicant.  Werewolf State University in Esmond, North Dakota had none when it advertised for a new President earlier this year.  According to Board Chair Millicent Paw, “candidates get turned off when they find out that nearly 85% of our student body consists of werewolves, and that our last President was savagely attacked while taking an evening walk.  But what sort of idiot goes out alone for a midnight stroll on a werewolf-filled campus when there’s a full moon?  I’m sorry, but high-level administrators need more sense than that.”

Count your blessings, Fort Collins.