Month: December 2019

Disaster was narrowly averted on December 19th at Greybill-Turleen College in Lima, Ohio when Campus Police Chief Theodore “Ted” Frazley misinterpreted a decision by the institution to eliminate majors in Art History and Sociology. 

The Chief, a veteran of Operation Desert Storm in Iraq, heard the announcement at a meeting of the College Cabinet on the morning of the 19th.  Afterward, he immediately dispatched the Police Sniper Squad to “terminate with extreme prejudice” all current students they could find who were majoring in Art History or Sociology.  

Fortunately, the Fall semester had recently ended, and the only student they came across was an Art History major sitting on a bench in the quad, waiting for his Senior Honors Project to dry (an oil painting of Tony Bennett and Lizzo performing a duet).  The student was wounded in the leg and is in stable condition at the Greybill-Turleen infirmary.  The officer involved will not be charged, and the College will pay a settlement to the student and his family.

“We literally dodged a bullet on this one,” Frazley sighs.  “If it had been the middle of the semester, there would have been carnage all over campus.  Next time, I hope my academic colleagues remember that a “major” can refer to a person as well as a course of study.  I shouldn’t have to tell them this.”

No, Chief Frazley, you shouldn’t.  

President Spivey: “With the holiday season almost here, I am thrilled to report that freshman enrollment at Caribou increased nearly 60% this fall when compared with last year.  And our endowment has grown by over $7 million in the past 18 months.  It has been a terrific……yes, Marvin, do you have a question?”

Professor Marvin Squabb: “Enrollment in our Scrimshaw Carving major hasn’t budged over the past decade.  Why isn’t the College doing more to advertise the program?  I never see a billboard highlighting this major.”

President Spivey: “There are only three billboards in all of Aroostook County, Marvin, and two of them are reserved for the opioid epidemic.  Scrimshaw Carving is a hard major to sell in this economy.  You and your colleagues in the Whaling Department might want to consider developing some new programs.”

Squabb: “Maybe we could do that if the conference room in our building wasn’t so cold that we can’t meet there.  The thermostat on the wall hasn’t registered more than 52 degrees since September.  We called Maintenance three times last week, but the custodian just comes over, stares at the temperature display, punches it with his fist, grunts, and leaves.  Students who take make-up exams in that room have to wear a parka, mittens, and a ski mask; they look like Arctic Terrorists.  The Director of Facilities won’t even let us use a portable space heater there.”

President Spivey: “You know full well that a defective space heater burnt down Craven Hall last winter.  The faculty from Craven are now residing on the quad in a bunch of pierogi and falafel food trucks.  Would you like to join them?  You also know that the $31 million donation we received in June from Garth Brooks is financing a magnificent new faculty office building that will house you and your colleagues next fall.”

Squabb: “But I like the view of the landfill from my current office!  I don’t want to move.  Why can’t we stay where we are if we want to?  You never surveyed the faculty about this!”

President Spivey: “We need to raze your building to make space for the $15 million student recreation center that the Maine legislature just funded.  It’s going to be a state-of-the-art facility.”

Squabb: “I heard that it will only have two racquetball courts.  The LA Fitness club in Presque Isle has four.”

President Spivey: “Do you even play racquetball, Marvin?”

Squabb: “No I don’t, but that’s not the point.  The point is that….”

President Spivey: “Let’s move on.  A grateful Caribou graduate has just endowed annual faculty awards of $25,000 each for teaching excellence and scholarly achievement.  The first awards will be given in the spring.  Nominations are due by March 1^st.

Squabb: “That’s not nearly enough time for faculty to assemble their application materials.  And I hope they don’t base the teaching award on student evaluations.  They’re incredibly unfair.  Students hate it that I require them to read Moby Dick in the original Latin, so they penalize me on those surveys.  And for years I’ve asked for an on-campus facility to house the blue whales I need for my scholarly work, but the Faculty Research Committee keeps turning me down.  They’re discriminating against me because I’m white.”

President Spivey: “Marvin, everyone at Caribou State College is white.”

Squabb: “That’s exactly my point.  We’re all being discriminated against.”

President Spivey: “I’m not sure I understand your logic, but since you brought up the topic of race, I’m excited to announce that President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama will be Distinguished Visiting Lecturers in our Political Science Department next semester.” 

Squabb: “Why couldn’t we get Harry Truman or Ronald Reagan?  Those were real Presidents!”

President Spivey: “They’re both dead, Marvin.”

Squabb: “Like that’s my fault?”

President Spivey: “It’s nobody’s fault.  I just think we should focus on the wonderful opportunity that the Obama visit will give us to….”

Squabb: “Why has compensation for supervising Independent Studies only gone up $3 per credit in the past five years?  I’m working with 14 seniors this fall, and it’s very time consuming having to go on whale watches every weekend because I don’t have my own whales.  I couldn’t even make it to my daughter’s bagpipe recital in Littleton last Friday because I was……”

The transcript ends here.  According to Campus Police, President Spivey leapt from the stage and a scuffle ensued.  The President suffered a minor scrimshaw wound.  Charges are pending.

In a full-page ad in the December 6th issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education, Babson College announced that it would use a $50 million gift to establish the Arthur M. Blank School for Entrepreneurial Leadership on its Wellesley, Massachusetts campus.  The founding principles for the School will be the six core values espoused by Mr. Blank, a Babson graduate:

— Put People First

— Listen and Respond

— Include Everyone

— Innovate Continuously

— Lead by Example

— Give Back to Others

Enter Bentley University, Babson’s fierce rival located just seven miles up the road in Waltham, Massachusetts.  Bentley’s response?  In September 2020 it will launch the Bernie Madoff Institute for Business Excellence, which will offer both undergraduate and graduate degrees.  Delivering a sharp slap in the face to the Blank School, the Madoff Institute has developed a half-dozen core values of its own.  To wit:

—  Profits matter.  People do too, but not as much.  Not nearly as much.  For the love of God, are you serious about making money or not?

—  When you choose to listen to people, all you end up hearing is a bunch of crap.  Talk more.  And talk loud. 

—  Including everyone takes a lot of time, and you don’t have a lot of time.  Keep just about everybody out of the loop, including your family.  Soliciting  other people’s opinions will only hold you back from achieving the destiny you deserve.  

—  Innovation is indeed crucial.  If a week goes by and you haven’t developed a new Ponzi scheme, you’re not doing your job.  

—  Being a “role model” or “leading by example” is a game for losers who believe that high visibility is an adequate substitute for stealth, deception, and the occasional well-placed stiletto when accomplishing tasks.  Stay in the shadows, make things happen, and be sure to wipe down that dagger with a damp cloth before tossing it in the pond.  

—  Sure, you can give back to others.  But why in the f**k would you want to do that?  This is a business school, not a convent.  Here’s the phone number for Doctors Without Borders.  Have a good life. 

In a press conference devoted to the Madoff Institute, Bentley President Alison Davis-Blake proclaimed that “our graduates will be prepared to crush those Babson wusses in the blood-soaked arena of entrepreneurial competition.  We’re sledgehammers, and they’re overripe tomatoes.  Bring.  It.  On.”

Dr. Davis-Blake wore a black bandana around her forehead, tied at the back, and her cheeks were adorned with tattooed crimson thunderbolts.  She delivered her comments from a steel cage used for Ultimate Fighting Championship matches.  

Bring it on, indeed.