Month: October 2023

It is probably true that “nobody likes writing tenure letters,” as the headline asserts in a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article on the practice of asking external reviewers to evaluate the work of tenure applicants (October 23rd online). 

Of course, writing a favorable letter for a highly qualified candidate is fairly easy.  But what if the individual’s record has been abysmal?  Do you give a negative review, one that could put a final nail in the coffin of the candidate’s application and relegate him or her to a future haunted by PTSD, substance abuse, and the inability to put food on the table for one’s innocent offspring?

If you are a reviewer who is averse to consigning your underwhelming colleagues to such a fate, do not despair.  It is possible to apply a positive spin to the most dismal of raw data.  Consider the following letter, which helped secure tenure at the College of William & Mary several years ago for an assistant professor.  The names of the candidate and the reviewer have been redacted to protect their privacy. 

Dear Tenure and Promotion Committee:

At first glance, the performance of Professor __________ over the past six years appears deficient, perhaps even laughably bad.  However, a closer, more contextually sensitive look at his record reveals a different story. 

Scholarship:  It is true that Professor __________’s only publication during those six years was a Letter to the Editor of the local newspaper, in which he urged city officials in Williamsburg to put up a stop sign at the corner of Jefferson Davis Highway and Route 417.  But take note: following the installation of the requested sign, accidental pedestrian deaths at that intersection decreased by 56%, more than offsetting the 34% increase in intentional gun homicides at that location during the same period.  (The latter outcome reflects the relative ease of shooting someone from a vehicle that is not moving.)  How many other tenured faculty members at your institution can claim to have saved so many lives?  Don’t these numbers reflect the true “impact factor” of Professor __________’s work?

Teaching:  Yes, Professor __________’s student evaluations suggest that he is one of William & Mary’s most inept instructors.  And it is also the case that his syllabi are largely incoherent, filled with incorrect dates (October 34th?  Durando 12th?) and puzzling assignments for courses that are supposedly in English Literature (“Your DNA saliva samples are due on November 4th”).  He often delivers entire lectures in pig Latin, and routinely covers classroom windows with a black tarp in order to prevent “Croatian sterilization rays” from infecting students’ genitalia.  Not a pretty picture. 

But consider this: there is much to be learned from a bad example.  Students who take Professor __________’s courses develop a heightened appreciation for the good teaching that other professors at William & Mary demonstrate.  Result: the overall status and prestige of your school is enhanced.  

Service to the Institution:  Professor __________ has only served on one committee at William & Mary: the Therapy Dog Review Council.  This body evaluates the performance of all therapy canines that are deployed in the campus library during the stress-filled two weeks at the end of every semester.  Records indicate that he only attends meetings that take place during the lunch hour, and only when a meal is provided.  On several occasions he has been censured by the Council for calling a dog a “bitch.”  

Nevertheless, his contributions to the Council’s work have been impressive.  For example, incidents in which therapy dogs bite students have declined by 26% since Professor __________ recommended tranquilizing them (the dogs, not the students) prior to petting sessions.  

Conclusion: In my view, Professor __________’s accomplishments at William & Mary clearly call for the awarding of tenure.  Just do it.   

Sincerely, 

_____________________________, Ph.D.

Distinguished Professor of British Literature, University of __________

Sometimes, lemons can produce champagne, not just lemonade.  Embrace the challenge.  Start writing.   

 

Lincoln Christian University (LCU) in Illinois will cease operations at the end of the 2023-24 academic year, with its seminary moving to Ozark Christian College in Joplin, Missouri (Inside Higher Ed, October 13th). 

There’s only one problem: lingering aura.

According to Nelson Buckridge, LCU’s Director of Buildings and Grounds, “as the years pass, any seminary worth its salt will develop a divinely inspired ambience that suffuses the entire campus.  It doesn’t disappear when the institution shuts down.  This aura can hang around for decades, evolving into a fatal miasma under certain circumstances.”

Buckridge warns that such a miasma will indeed materialize if the site’s new occupants are in league with Satan.  “Just try putting a casino, strip club, Walmart, or Chick-fil-A in that location and see what happens.  People will start dropping dead faster than a barnful of horseflies hit by a mushroom cloud of Raid.  It won’t be pretty.

“Let nature reclaim LCU’s land for a couple of generations before installing a new tenant,” recommends Buckridge.  “And then start with a Ben & Jerry’s.”

TRUE FACTS:  On October 11th the nation learned that average scores on the ACT, a widely used college readiness test, had declined for the sixth consecutive year (ACT Newsroom and Blog).  One day earlier, the University of Wisconsin System announced that the new name for its network of schools would be the “Universities of Wisconsin.”  According to President Jay Rothman, this new designation “is the best way to describe our thirteen excellent universities” (University of Wisconsin System online, October 10th). 

Uh-oh.

What President Rothman did not describe was the real reason for the name change: the majority of Wisconsin’s adult population no longer knows what the word “system” means.  

In a Gallup telephone poll commissioned by the Wisconsin State Legislature in August, 54% of the respondents could not define “system.”  Another 8% claimed that a system was “the female sibling of a tem.”  And 5% mistook the word for “cisTum,” a medical term, which refers to an antacid tablet that identifies with the gender of its color (i.e., blue = male, pink = female).  

In an email sent to the leaders of Wisconsin’s 13 public universities in late September, Rothman maintained that “it makes no sense to continue using a word that our constituents do not comprehend.  I’m sorry, but ‘system’ has got to go.”

Several of these leaders welcomed the change, confessing that they were also clueless concerning the word’s meaning.  As one of the university presidents put it to a University Life reporter, “I’m a numbers guy, not a words guy.”  

 

On September 13th, the men’s basketball team at Dartmouth College filed a unionization petition with the National Labor Relations Board (Chronicle of Higher Education, September 14th online).  

Although the NLRB has yet to render its decision, on the morning of October 4th a representative of the team nailed a list of 12 demands to the office door of Mike Harrity, Director of Athletics at Dartmouth.  The list includes the following non-negotiables:

—  All baskets made by Dartmouth players at home games shall count for 3 points.

—  Every game played against Brown University will take place at Dartmouth, because Providence, Rhode Island “sucks.”

—  During home games, no fouls will be called against Dartmouth players unless the infraction involves a weapon and loss of blood.

—  The wine bar currently located in the team’s locker room shall be expanded to include a selection of at least 6 draft beers on tap, with the brands rotated weekly.  No Bud Light.

—  In any home game in which Dartmouth plays a higher-ranked opponent, the score at the beginning of the contest will be 10-0 in favor of Dartmouth.

—  Every Dartmouth player shall be featured in his own episode of ESPN’s “30 for 30” during the basketball season, with each episode broadcast at least 4 times.  

—  During home games, no Dartmouth player will be ruled out of bounds as long as he has one foot in bounds and calls out, “Still in, still in, binny-binny-bin!”

—  At the annual Winter Carnival in February, each member of the team will be depicted in a Maya Lin ice sculpture prominently displayed on the Dartmouth Green.

—  Double- or triple-teaming a Dartmouth player who has possession of the ball shall not be allowed at home or away.

—  During the regular season, all Dartmouth players shall be granted diplomatic immunity for their actions on and off the court. 

—  Regardless of its record, the team will receive an invitation to participate in the NCAA’s March Madness tournament.  Its first game will always be played in prime time at Madison Square Garden.  If Dartmouth loses its first game, it will be entitled to a “do-over.”

—  In 2024, Dartmouth will introduce a new mascot for the college: “Bouncy,” a smiling green basketball with legs.

As of 5:00 pm on October 5th, Mr. Harrity had not responded to these demands.