Lincoln Christian University (LCU) in Illinois will cease operations at the end of the 2023-24 academic year, with its seminary moving to Ozark Christian College in Joplin, Missouri (Inside Higher Ed, October 13th).
There’s only one problem: lingering aura.
According to Nelson Buckridge, LCU’s Director of Buildings and Grounds, “as the years pass, any seminary worth its salt will develop a divinely inspired ambience that suffuses the entire campus. It doesn’t disappear when the institution shuts down. This aura can hang around for decades, evolving into a fatal miasma under certain circumstances.”
Buckridge warns that such a miasma will indeed materialize if the site’s new occupants are in league with Satan. “Just try putting a casino, strip club, Walmart, or Chick-fil-A in that location and see what happens. People will start dropping dead faster than a barnful of horseflies hit by a mushroom cloud of Raid. It won’t be pretty.
“Let nature reclaim LCU’s land for a couple of generations before installing a new tenant,” recommends Buckridge. “And then start with a Ben & Jerry’s.”