“Where’s That Smell Coming From….?”

Lincoln Christian University (LCU) in Illinois will cease operations at the end of the 2023-24 academic year, with its seminary moving to Ozark Christian College in Joplin, Missouri (Inside Higher Ed, October 13th). 

There’s only one problem: lingering aura.

According to Nelson Buckridge, LCU’s Director of Buildings and Grounds, “as the years pass, any seminary worth its salt will develop a divinely inspired ambience that suffuses the entire campus.  It doesn’t disappear when the institution shuts down.  This aura can hang around for decades, evolving into a fatal miasma under certain circumstances.”

Buckridge warns that such a miasma will indeed materialize if the site’s new occupants are in league with Satan.  “Just try putting a casino, strip club, Walmart, or Chick-fil-A in that location and see what happens.  People will start dropping dead faster than a barnful of horseflies hit by a mushroom cloud of Raid.  It won’t be pretty.

“Let nature reclaim LCU’s land for a couple of generations before installing a new tenant,” recommends Buckridge.  “And then start with a Ben & Jerry’s.”