“We Stand with Cesar Chavez and Martin Luther….”

On September 13th, the men’s basketball team at Dartmouth College filed a unionization petition with the National Labor Relations Board (Chronicle of Higher Education, September 14th online).  

Although the NLRB has yet to render its decision, on the morning of October 4th a representative of the team nailed a list of 12 demands to the office door of Mike Harrity, Director of Athletics at Dartmouth.  The list includes the following non-negotiables:

—  All baskets made by Dartmouth players at home games shall count for 3 points.

—  Every game played against Brown University will take place at Dartmouth, because Providence, Rhode Island “sucks.”

—  During home games, no fouls will be called against Dartmouth players unless the infraction involves a weapon and loss of blood.

—  The wine bar currently located in the team’s locker room shall be expanded to include a selection of at least 6 draft beers on tap, with the brands rotated weekly.  No Bud Light.

—  In any home game in which Dartmouth plays a higher-ranked opponent, the score at the beginning of the contest will be 10-0 in favor of Dartmouth.

—  Every Dartmouth player shall be featured in his own episode of ESPN’s “30 for 30” during the basketball season, with each episode broadcast at least 4 times.  

—  During home games, no Dartmouth player will be ruled out of bounds as long as he has one foot in bounds and calls out, “Still in, still in, binny-binny-bin!”

—  At the annual Winter Carnival in February, each member of the team will be depicted in a Maya Lin ice sculpture prominently displayed on the Dartmouth Green.

—  Double- or triple-teaming a Dartmouth player who has possession of the ball shall not be allowed at home or away.

—  During the regular season, all Dartmouth players shall be granted diplomatic immunity for their actions on and off the court. 

—  Regardless of its record, the team will receive an invitation to participate in the NCAA’s March Madness tournament.  Its first game will always be played in prime time at Madison Square Garden.  If Dartmouth loses its first game, it will be entitled to a “do-over.”

—  In 2024, Dartmouth will introduce a new mascot for the college: “Bouncy,” a smiling green basketball with legs.

As of 5:00 pm on October 5th, Mr. Harrity had not responded to these demands.