Month: February 2025

Boys and girls in the Midwest are being asked to take a peek at their nether regions and pick a lane.  According to the Iowa Capital Dispatch, students applying to public universities in Iowa “will no longer be able to list their sex as anything other than ‘male’ or ‘female'” on their admissions form (February 20th online). 

For those who welcome this return to a simpler time in terms of categorizing people, the news coming out of Vermont this week should provide even more comfort.  Beginning on June 1st, applicants to public colleges and universities in the Green Mountain State will have only two options to choose from when indicating their race: WHITE or OTHER.  

“It just makes sense,” says a staffer from the Governor’s office who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Vermont is the Whitest state in the country.  Over 90% of us are paler than pale.  We don’t care if you’re Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Black, Asian, a Pacific Islander, or any of those other crazy categories the Census Bureau uses.  If you’re not White, you’re going to have a tough time here, unless you’re simply crossing the border into Brattleboro to buy a few bottles of maple syrup.  So, all we really need to know is, Are you White — or not White?  Our government officials will take it from there. 

“Let’s be honest: with President Trump in office, all White folks — the rich, the poor, the smart, the mind-numbingly stupid — are getting their mojo back.  No one should be surprised.”

 

As colleges and universities jettison DEI initiatives right and left (mostly right) in response to the Trump administration’s scorched-earth march through higher education, classic icebreakers that have been used at the beginning of courses for decades are being abandoned.  Here are five of the most prominent casualties:

“What’s your favorite color?” — Linda McMahon, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Education, calls this query “the poster child for racist questions in higher education.  Just imagine the agony that young people experience when they are forced to choose the race they like the most.  How can we ever achieve a color-blind society if we continue to allow this wrong-headed line of inquiry?”

Some schools have developed a work-around.  At both the University of Michigan and Dartmouth College, for example, students are simply asked to select between green and blue.  “It’s not an ideal solution,” says Dartmouth’s Director of Non-DEI Programming, “but it’s better than nothing.”

“When you go out to eat, what type of food do you prefer?”– According to McMahon, “this is basically an invitation to start a race war.  Just think about it.  Indicating that you have a special fondness for Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, or Soul food is basically the same thing as saying, ‘I believe Ethiopians and Jamaicans are inferior’.

“If women were only allowed to be teachers or nurses, which one should they be?” — McMahon insists that this is a trick question hatched by the woke elite: “It assumes that women should be working outside of the home to begin with.  This is the radical left poking its nose — and sneezing — inside the sacred tent containing the divinely ordained roles of housewife and Catholic nun.”

“If you could only blame one white person alive TODAY for the existence of slavery in the United States in 1860, who would it be?” — Once again, McMahon claims that this is a trick question: “The use of the word ‘blame’ presumes that slavery was a bad thing. Where’s the evidence?”

“Complete the following sentence: ‘A trans woman and a trans man walk into a bar.  They order a _______ and a _______.” — “There’s nothing funny about this request to finish a joke,” says McMahon.  “Gender and sex are serious subjects, and so is consuming alcohol.  I’m not amused.”

The challenge of getting students to talk during the first class session of the semester has gotten a lot harder in 2025.  

As the Trump administration lurches through the china shop of higher education, smashing display cases at every turn, professors around the country are soiling their undergarments faster than you can say, “bad burrito.”  

Take a deep breath.  There are more constructive ways of managing one’s panic. 

On Thursday, the American Association of University Professors offered 10 suggestions for how faculty members can proactively respond to the raging bull that is poking its steam-snorting snout through the double doors of their institutions.  Here they are:

Begin hoarding toner for your printer.  Severing supply lines is a classic military tactic.  The current administration will do everything in its power to prevent you from posting resistance-advocacy flyers all over campus.

Bake.  That’s right: BAKE.  Preparing mouth-watering desserts for colleagues can distract you from the soul-crushing daily reports on the PBS NewsHour.  And who doesn’t love blueberry muffins?   

If your school does not have a network of underground tunnels, get thee to an ACE Hardware store ASAP and purchase a shovel.  Prepare to hide out until the end of President Vance’s second term in 2036.  Don’t forget the ramen noodles and bottled water. 

Please: no more impassioned calls for slavery reparations during your Calculus I lectures.  Don’t make yourself an easy target. 

Stream the movie “Braveheart.”  No matter what the current administration does to your college or university, it probably won’t be as bad as what happens to Mel Gibson at the end of “Braveheart.”  Probably.

Before going home every day, check a book out of your school’s library.  The President doesn’t read books, and he doesn’t like it when other people read books.  It’s time to begin stocking your tunnel-based Library-in-Exile.

Develop expertise in sports betting.  Division I football and basketball are the only higher-education activities that are likely to survive the Trump administration.  Unless you’re a coach, you’re going to have to find a new source of income.

Fortify the perimeter of your office with sandbags and razor wire.  You’ll definitely need to do this if you’re not going to build tunnels. 

Resign from your institution’s Core-Curriculum-Revision Task Force.  Let’s be honest.  What’s the point?

Apply for a staff job writing answers for “Jeopardy.”  In several years, this will be one of the few positions in the United States requiring a doctoral degree.  Act now and avoid the rush.  

Good luck.  

Eyebrows were raised across the higher education landscape recently when CBS Sports reported that the new defensive coordinator of the Penn State football team, Jim Knowles, would earn an average salary of $3.1 million per year, which is more than any public-college president was paid in 2023.  

At a press conference on Friday, Penn State President Neeli Bendapudi vigorously defended the salary of the assistant coach, noting that his job will encompass a variety of roles.  These include:

Chastity Advisor:  For players who wish to remain celibate during the football season, Mr. Knowles will provide guidance on how to do exactly that.  He will be responsible for developing a 5-week “Zippers Up” training program that will feature PowerPoint and video presentations, as well as an annual “Purge the Urge” lecture.  Coach Knowles will also serve as a date chaperone upon request.  

Concussion Tutor:  Team members who are sidelined due to a Grade 3 concussion must attend study sessions to ensure that they don’t fall behind academically.  During these sessions, Mr. Knowles will administer current-events quizzes and autobiographical inventories (“What is your name?  Where were you born?  What position do you play?”). 

Package Store Liaison:  Coach Knowles will make all alcohol purchases for players under 21, the legal drinking age in Pennsylvania. 

Portal Greeter:  The transfer portal for incoming players surfaces in Parking Lot 44 of Beaver Stadium on the PSU campus.  Whenever a new player arrives, Mr. Knowles will be there to lift the manhole cover on Parking Space 73 and welcome the young man to Penn State.  

Mischief Fixer:  Let’s be honest.  Guys bursting with testosterone sometimes get into “trouble.”  Coach Knowles will establish relationships with police departments in the region so that, when an incident occurs, alternatives to arrest can be deployed.  Sometimes, all that is needed in the aftermath of a bar fight with multiple stab wounds is a “stern talking to,” which gives the miscreant an opportunity to redirect his anger to the gridiron on Saturday afternoon. 

Worship Driver:  For players without a car who desire to attend off-campus religious services on Sunday mornings, Mr. Knowles will provide transportation using his personal vehicle. 

Seat Scraper:  After home games, Coach Knowles will examine the underside of every one of Beaver Stadium’s 106,572 seats and remove any chewing gum he discovers. 

“I think you’ll agree with me,” President Bendapudi told reporters, “that Penn State will be getting more than its money’s worth from Coach Knowles.”