Month: March 2025

Higher education history will be made on May 17, 2025, when Babson College in Wellesley, MA awards an online MBA degree to Inga V-79.

Inga is a ChatGPT program designed by Ingmar Almquist-Dalvig, a Swedish computer scientist.  “She took every course needed to complete her degree,” says Almquist-Dalvig, “and will be graduating with a GPA of 3.8. 

“The moment I hit Inga’s ON button two years ago, she was totally on her own.  Inga wrote every required paper, took every test, and participated in every online group chat for her classes. 

“The achievement I’m proudest of, however, is that Inga was selected ‘Most Friendly MBA Student’ by her cohort.  The classmates who voted for her noted her warmth and supportiveness.  As one student commented, ‘Inga wasn’t just a humorless brainiac.  She was there for me 24/7 after I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me with my sister and my mom.  Her texts gave me the strength to move on’.”

What does the future hold for Inga?  She recently accepted a position with McKinsey & Company, the global consulting firm, where her first assignment will be to oversee the replacement of all Babson Management faculty with ChatGPT devices.  

“It’s nice to be able to give something back to the institution that has played such an important role in my life,” says Inga.  “Also, I’d like to start a family.  My dream is to meet a ChatGPT named ‘Lars’ who’s as big a fan of Game of Thrones as I am.”

Dazed, terrified faculty members and administrators are careening down the hallways of higher education during Trump 2.0, crashing into water fountains and trash bins.  They have many questions.  As a service to University Life readers, here are answers to the 10 most frequent queries, according to our resident panel of experts:

Q: How will issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion be handled on my campus?

The terms “diversity,” “equity,” and “inclusion” no longer exist.  Check your Merriam-Webster online dictionary.  When you type in those words you’ll get the following response: “The word you entered isn’t in the dictionary.”  Problem solved. 

Q: What will become of tenured faculty?

Legally, tenured faculty are now regarded as undocumented immigrants.  They should leave the country before ICE shows up at their classroom.  

Q: In terms of research, will the designations R1, R2, and Doctoral/Professional Universities continue to be used to categorize institutions of higher education?

No.  According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, “research is no longer something that universities will be doing.  All scientific investigation in the United States will be carried out by the Centers for Disease Control, which will be exploring the link between measles vaccine and rabies.  The days of our children foaming at the mouth must come to an end.” 

Q: What will future college students major in?

It depends on where you go to school.  At Ivy League institutions, Stanford, and the University of Chicago, you will major in either Inheritance Management or Art History.  At all other schools you can choose between Lithium Mining and Barista Supervision.  

Q: Will trans women be permitted to participate in female collegiate sports?

You’re kidding, right?

Q: Will higher education continue to play a significant role in upward social and economic mobility?

Yes, for those who marry graduates of the Ivy League, Stanford, or the University of Chicago.  

Q: Exactly how nervous are college and university presidents right now?

Amazon reports that online sales of Depend undergarments to college presidents have increased by 640% in 2025, compared to a year ago.  

Q: Will courses that emphasize critical thinking still be offered?

Only as electives, not as part of the core curriculum.  As Secretary McMahon put it, “critical thinking is not for everybody.”

Q: What will Linda McMahon do after she shuts down the Department of Education?

She will become Director of the Measles-Rabies Research Collaborative at the Centers for Disease Control.

Q: Overall, how bad are things likely to get in higher education over the next four years?

Did you see the movie version of “Cats”?  Imagine seeing it twice…while prepping for a colonoscopy.  

 

 

 

 

You could see this one coming a mile away.  

On March 7th, President Donald Trump issued an Executive Order dissolving SOCIOLOGY departments at every public and private college and university in the country.

Addressing reporters on the South Lawn of the White House, the President proclaimed, “everyone knows that sociologists have been corroding institutions of higher education for decades.  It’s been bad — so very, very bad.  They use radical words like ‘stratification’, ‘poverty’, ‘incarceration’, ‘Ukraine’, ‘African American’, and ‘Brie’ to sow seeds of doubt and discontent in the minds of our young people.  So many beautiful minds, damaged beyond repair.

“But not anymore, not on my watch.  The lunatic left claims that I don’t have the authority to take this action — that it’s unconstitutional.  Well, take a good look, America, because it is going to happen, and it’s going to be terrific. 

“We will relocate tenured sociology professors to rural areas, where they will work on family farms and limestone quarries.  They will sweat, get dirt under their fingernails, and develop chronic back problems.  They will learn what it feels like to engage in real labor.  

“Non-tenured professors will be retrained to teach theology courses at evangelical Bible colleges throughout our great nation.  Each one will receive a free autographed copy of my God Bless the USA Bible, along with an instructor’s manual and test bank of multiple-choice questions [e.g., The first book of the Bible was named after which famous musical group?  A. Miracles; B. Hollies; C. Genesis; D. Yardbirds].

“As you all know, my favorite author is Ernest Hemingway.  What a brilliant, brilliant man.  He wrote short, straightforward sentences that are easy to understand, and if I were ever going to start reading books, I would definitely pick one of his.  In 1961, Mr. Hemingway blew his brains out with a shotgun — a terrible tragedy — because sociology textbooks depressed him so much.  If you don’t believe me, you can look it up on page 73 of the God Bless the USA Bible.  As President, I refuse to let sociology take the life of another great American.”

The American Sociological Association has responded with a brief statement: “What?”