Month: May 2019

So here’s the deal.  The College Board, which oversees the SAT, now calculates an “Adversity Score” for each test-taker.  The score incorporates data such as the crime rate, median income, and educational attainment of residents in the student’s neighborhood.  The higher your Adversity Score is on a scale of 1 to 100, the more disadvantaged you are presumed to be.  The reason for doing all this is to help colleges and universities interpret any given student’s SAT score.

But this week the stakes went up.  ACT, Inc., the College Board’s rival that administers its own standardized test for college aspirants, has developed the Impaired Performance Indicator (IPI), which reflects events that could affect a student’s state of mind in the 24 hours immediately preceding his or her taking the test.  

Here is a partial list of factors included in the IPI, along with their point values:

—  Falling face-down on a sidewalk due to intoxication: 62 points

—  Shattering one’s smartphone in the fall: 232 points

—  Experiencing a tsunami bowel disturbance as a result of food poisoning (e.g., spoiled burritos, tainted scallops, rancid Buffalo wings, Peeps of any variety): 30 points

—  Death of a pet (dog: 50 points; cat: 5 points; all others: 25 points)

—  Discovering that you or your significant other is pregnant (you: 612 points; significant other: 17 points)

—  Termination of a romantic relationship (initiated by you: 24 points; initiated by other party: 53 points; initiated by other party after you’ve dropped several hints: 6 points)

—  Your favorite sports team loses (last-minute defeat: 42 points; game wasn’t close: 9 points; you had borrowed money from someone with a homicide conviction to bet on the game: 154 points)

—  Your parents inform you they’re getting divorced (72 points)

—  Your parents inform you they’re getting married (72 points)

—  You find out that Blanche — your disagreeable older cousin in Topeka — is actually your mom (894 points)

—  You come to the sobering realization that human existence is nothing more than soul-crushing injustice sprinkled with random, senseless tragedy (500 points, reduced by 45 points if realization occurs while smoking marijuana)

According to an ACT spokesperson, the IPI is an infinitely more valuable tool for evaluating an individual’s standardized test scores than “the SAT’s silly little Adversity number.  It’s a slam dunk.  Game over.”

If you listen carefully, you can still hear the backboard rattling.

 

 

True Story:  Rhonda E. Davis, a 60-year-old grandmother of 11 who resided in the dorms at Cheyney University, recently graduated from the Pennsylvania school as its valedictorian.  As one Cheyney official put it, “She’s such an inspiration, not only to the students, but to all of us.  The students follow her around like Mother Goose.”

The lesson to be learned here has not been lost on enrollment-challenged campuses around the country.  They are now scrambling to recruit uplifting role models who might motivate potential students to attend their institutions.  Three examples:

— Bismarck State College (North Dakota):  In September 2019 the iconic crooners Michael Bublé and Josh Groban will begin their freshman year at Bismarck, majoring in Fine Arts.  According to Daphne Permafrost, BSC’s Vice President for Enrollment Management, “too many high school seniors in our state are convinced that they must attend college in New York City or California in order to break into the music business.  With Mr. Bublé and Mr. Groban on our campus,  we hope that North Dakota teenagers who awaken at 4:30 every morning to harvest baby Ski-Doo’s on their parents’ snowmobile farms in Osnabrock and Walhalla will think of us as they belt out tunes from The Great American Songbook in the barn.  We expect the presence of these two gentlemen will also generate a spike in the number of middle-aged housewives who matriculate at BSC.”

— Oral Roberts University (Oklahoma):  In January 2020 Jesus of Nazareth will enroll as a second-semester freshman, accompanied by 15 Advanced Placement credits in Religion and Theology. “Jesus is a natural for us,” says Dean of Admissions Hasgood Crell. “He’s well-known, super-inspirational, and never went to college.  The competition to get him was fierce!  Liberty University offered him Birkenstock sandals for eternity.  Bob Jones University promised to let his Mom live in a furnished apartment on the edge of the campus; she and Joseph separated three years ago.  But the Advanced Placement credits apparently did the trick.  Jesus wants to graduate in three years.  There aren’t many folks, or deities, who are keen on spending four years in Tulsa.”

Jesus will be majoring in Criminal Justice, which Crell says “is not surprising, given everything he went through with Pontius Pilate.”

— City College of New York (NYC):  This summer, Country House, the thoroughbred racehorse who won the 2019 Kentucky Derby, will become a Special Student at City College.  “It’s a stroke of genius,” claims CCNY Provost Charleston Cravat.  “Our students are often uncertain of their ability to succeed in college, and feel that the odds are against them.  Well, the odds of Country House winning the Derby were 65 to 1, and look what happened!  Of course, he’ll need help with his writing skills at the beginning of the semester, so we’re building a stall for him right in the middle of our Center for Learning Resources and hired a Certified Horse Whisperer who’s also an English Composition tutor.  Undergraduates are going to look at them working together and think, ‘if Country House can do this, so can I’!”  

Rhonda Davis, what hath thou wrought?

Clemson University has awarded its football coach Dabo Swinney a 10-year contract worth $93 million, a non-trivial amount that also happens to be the richest contract in the history of the sport (no joke). 

It’s also the richest contract in the history of “Dabo’s.”

According to the state’s Department of Labor, Licensing and Regulation (LLR), this contract is by far the most lucrative one ever given to a man or woman named “Dabo” in South Carolina, dating back to the state’s birth in 1788.  Second place belongs to Clyde “Dabo” Skeeterson, a tool-and-die maker in Stuckey, South Carolina whose current salary is $43,000 a year before taxes. 

In a press conference on Wednesday, LLR Director Emily Farr remarked, “we hope that Clemson’s contract with Mr. Swinney inspires every young Dabo — and Dabette — throughout our beautiful state to study hard, stay in school, get a paper route, attend church on a regular basis, and strive to be the best they can be.  Go Tigers!!!”

When NCAA football leads the way, we all win. 

Many of you may be familiar with The Registry, a company that provides colleges and universities with interim leaders for positions such as President, Provost, and Dean.  This service can come in very handy when Campus Police discover your Vice President for Academic Affairs selling crystal meth out of a minivan during the tailgate celebration prior to the Big Game on Homecoming Weekend.

Now, similar assistance is available for institutions battling the optics associated with serious declines in enrollment.  Letter Sweater, Inc. will strategically place student impersonators (18 to 22 years old) throughout your campus, giving visitors the impression that the grounds are teeming with enthusiastic, happy undergraduates.  Their presence can be vital when applicants and their families are exploring your school.  No one wants to see a sparsely populated college quadrangle on a glorious spring day.

Letter Sweater’s offerings are tailored to an institution’s distinctive needs.  For example:

— Level I Package:  500 young people who reflect the demographic and other characteristics (race, nationality, sex, height, weight, etc.) of your current student population

— Aspirational Sampler:  500 young people who reflect the characteristics of the student population you’d LIKE to have

— Diversity Plus:  A virtual rainbow of observable physical variation that will make your campus look like the United Nations in a Mardi Gras reveler’s fever dream

— Stereotyped Technology/Hard Science Assortment:  Contains 30% more Asians!

— Nothing But Denim:  Jeans, jeans, jeans.  Everyone’s in jeans.

— Let’s Do Lunch:  All faux students are outfitted by one or more of the following: Ralph Lauren, Dockers, Calvin Klein, FUBU, Vineyard Vines, L. L. Bean, Lands’ End.  (Available only in New England)

— Budget Option:  Same selections as above, except that inflatables are used instead of flesh-and-blood humans.  Each inflatable is anchored to the ground and can be adjusted to sway, or not sway, with the breeze.  (Note: There is an extra charge for walking or running poses.)

All impersonators (excluding those in the Budget Option) possess a working knowledge of your school and its history, and are prepared to answer visitors’ questions in a positive, affirming fashion.  Inflatables are equipped with a motion detector and electronic voice box, and are programmed to exclaim “I love this place!” whenever someone penetrates their Response Zone (i.e., comes within three feet). 

Your student body may be disappearing faster than pizza slices at a fraternity party, but it doesn’t have to look that way.  As a Letter Sweater staff member boasted to a reporter, “even alumni are fooled when they visit a campus we work with.”

Appearances can be deceiving.  And as Letter Sweater demonstrates, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.