Month: September 2022

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently republished a very helpful essay, “How to Make the Most of an Academic Conference,” by Thomas J. Tobin (September 23rd online).  As valuable as this piece is, it fails to include a number of suggestions that can transform a merely good conference experience into a truly exceptional one.  Accordingly, University Life encourages readers to take the following recommendations out for a spin:

—  Go to the zoo.  That’s right, the zoo.  There’s nothing better than skipping a day of conference sessions to make time for a zoo visit.  Zoos are great; don’t let the objections of wildlife activists deter you.  If there isn’t a decent zoo in the city where your conference is being held, don’t attend the conference.  On the other hand, the San Diego Zoo rocks, so attend every convention you can find that meets in San Diego, even if the convention has nothing to do with your field or discipline.  You won’t regret it. 

—  If your conference has an awards luncheon or dinner, make sure to attend.  When the basket of bread is passed to you, place one roll on your plate and dump the remaining ones into your conference tote bag.  Try to be inconspicuous, but don’t sweat it if someone sees you.  Secretly, they’ll admire — and envy — your chutzpah.  

—  After a plenary session, go up to the featured speaker and ask her or him to autograph your neck with a Sharpie.  

—  Some conferences have silent auctions to support graduate student travel stipends or other worthy causes.  On the bidding sheet for a signed copy of a book by a noted author, write “I’ve read this and it really sucks.”

—  When you’re presenting at a panel session, place a small waste basket and a roll of toilet paper next to you in clear view of the audience.  Announce that “I had a tray’s worth of spoiled shrimp cocktail at the reception last night.  Those of you sitting up front might want to move back a row or two.”

—  If your conference begins with a high-profile public acknowledgment of the indigenous peoples whose land is now occupied by the host hotel, sit in the front row while dressed as John Wayne in “The Searchers” and stare with great intensity.  Your sense of humor will be appreciated.  

—  As the chairperson goes around the room asking individuals why they chose to attend this particular session, respond that “attendance is required by my detox program and parole officer.  By the way, it feels really hot in here.  Is anybody else sweating up a storm?”

—  Assemble a three-course dinner from the complimentary Twizzlers, Jolly Ranchers, and fun-size Snickers provided by publishers at their display booths.  Celebrate later with a feast in your hotel room as you watch reruns of “Friends” while relaxing in bed.  Don’t forget those dinner rolls you saved from lunch!

— Back to the Silent Auction.  Find an elaborate, handmade, one-of-a-kind item donated by an attendee and write on the bidding sheet, “what the hell is this?”

Your next conference can be forgettable or memorable.  It’s up to you.  

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that “at least 14 residential students at the College of Wooster, in Ohio, have been exposed to or bitten by bats since the start of the fall semester” (Daily Briefing, September 9th). 

For University Life readers of a certain age, this story will undoubtedly bring to mind the strange saga of BITEMAN, the Bucknell University professor who terrorized the campus community in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania for more than three years in the early 1930s.

Harold Stumb, an assistant professor in the History Department at Bucknell, had been turned down for tenure in the spring of 1932.  When informed of the decision by the chair of the tenure and promotion committee, an enraged Stumb attacked him, biting him on the neck during the struggle.  Police went to Stumb’s home later that day to arrest him for assault, but found that he had abandoned the residence, having left a handwritten note that simply said, “I will bite again.” 

Indeed, less than a week later, the biting resumed.  These incidents typically took place late at night when a faculty member, administrator, or student was walking alone across campus.  Stumb, wearing a cape and mask, would approach the victim from behind, bite quickly, and flee.  

Between April 1932 and December 1935, 28 people were bitten, none seriously.  Stumb would always leave behind a reprint of one of his scholarly articles at the scene, upon which he had scrawled the message, “This alone should have earned me tenure.”

Professor Stumb, by then known as “BITEMAN,” was apprehended on December 4, 1935 when police tracked his footprints through the snow from the scene of a campus biting to a makeshift shelter on the banks of the nearby Susquehanna River.  A jury found him guilty of “disrespecting tenure and promotion decisions,” as well as non-consensual biting, and sentenced him to life in prison at the Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary, where — ironically — he died from the bite of a rabid rat in 1969. 

Inspired by the BITEMAN trial, artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger created the comic-book character Batman in 1939.  At Stumb’s funeral 30 years later, Kane delivered the eulogy, noting that “in his own, peculiar way, Harold Stumb was a crusader for justice.  He sacrificed his freedom, and ultimately his life, on behalf of tenure-track faculty everywhere.”

In 2006, Stumb was granted tenure posthumously by Bucknell University, following a comprehensive investigation of his case by a committee of the American Association of University Professors.  

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently devoted two articles to the challenge of engaging college students in class participation (“Rethinking Participation,” September 8th online; “The Question of ‘Cold Calling’,” September 12th online).

Such attention is sorely needed.  It’s hard to avoid despair when students stare at you with an expression that says, “I’d rather have an impacted wisdom tooth extracted through my urethra than offer a comment on the assigned reading.”

Well, help is on the way.  In July Rutgers University became the first school in the nation to establish the cabinet-level position of Vice President for Management of Class Participation.  (It’s also the first university to have an Associate Provost for Pronoun Oversight.)  

The Vice President coordinates all research at Rutgers that explores the concept and dynamics of participation.   Among the findings reported so far:

—  Can aroma motivate participation?  In seven sections of Introductory Microeconomics this fall, the tantalizing scent of applewood smoked bacon is being circulated throughout the classroom via the air-conditioning system every time a student asks a question or offers a cogent comment.  Preliminary results indicate that male participation is 40% higher in these sections than in scent-less sections.  However, female participation has not been affected.  In response, investigators are examining the impact on this population of a fragrance that evokes avocado salad containing saffron and pine nuts.  

—  Is there really no such thing as a stupid question?  Alas, researchers have found that students frequently ask stupid questions.  Even worse, many of these questions are irredeemably stupid (e.g., “Are Cheetos orange when they grow in the wild?”).

—  But just because a question is stupid, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the student who asked the question is stupid, does it?  Unfortunately, it usually does.  Sorry. 

—  Irredeemably stupid?  Yep, pretty much. 

—  What is the most effective way to manage the participation of students who talk too much?  Drone-administered tranquilizing micro-darts.  This is 97% effective for students weighing less than 240 pounds.  

—  Is it ethical to use electric shocks, delivered through desk seat cushions, to increase participation in class discussion?  Yes.

—  Should breathing, coughing, and perspiring be considered class participation?  Usually not, except in situations where the instructor wants to start off with a very low bar for grading participation. 

You may contact the Rutgers Public Information Office for copies of the full reports of these studies.  

The Yale Daily News reports that the school’s endowment recently dropped from second place to third among institutions of higher education, trailing Harvard and the University of Texas.  Yale’s endowment of $42.3 billion amounts to $2.9 million per enrolled student (Yale Daily News, September 1st online). 

Yale President Peter Salovey, looking visibly distressed, held a press conference on Wednesday in which he announced a number of measures to stabilize the university’s finances.  The most prominent ones include:

—  Discontinuing Pheasant Phridays in the University’s dining halls.  (“Most of the students eat only half a pheasant at most, resulting in an incredible amount of waste,” says Salovey.)

—  No longer distributing original Gutenberg Bibles to all freshmen at orientation.  Used paperback copies of Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People will be provided instead. 

—  Ending the tradition of giving a Tesla to every faculty member who is promoted to the rank of full professor.  These individuals will now have to choose between a Toyota Camry and a Honda Accord, with no guarantee of receiving their preferred color.   

—  Phasing out the practice of providing fraternity members who are arrested for public drunkenness with free legal counsel from a professor holding an endowed chair at the Yale Law School.  Untenured faculty from the University of Connecticut Law School will be recruited for this purpose on an as-needed basis. 

—  Instituting a $5 co-pay for weekend helicopter service to Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket, and Dubai.     

—  No longer serving Chateau Cheval Blanc 1947 at wine-and-cheese receptions for the lacrosse and corn-hole teams.  

—  Prohibiting students from filling large trash barrels with cash and setting them on fire on the New Haven Green “just because they can.”  

—  Converting the majestic Sterling Memorial Library to a high-end condominium community (Eli’s Landing).  

—  Building Connecticut’s largest cannabis dispensary (Inhale, Yale) on the campus quadrangle.

—  Installing Britney Spears and Celine Dion as Artists-in-Residence at the 64,000-seat Yale Bowl.  They will perform three times a week from May through October for the next five years.  

“My solemn pledge to all of you: we will refuse to play second fiddle to some dust-covered cowboy school whose main contribution to Western civilization has been its recipe for three-bean chili.” — Peter Salovey