Month: May 2025

The benefits to the United States of having a Chicago-born Pope are already becoming evident. 

At his inaugural Mass on May 18th in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo XIV announced in his homily that all donations collected during the Offertory would be sent to Harvard University. 

“Harvard is to education what the Vatican is to religion,” said the Pope. “It is a shrine that honors indisputable truths and divine architecture.  The slashing of federal grants to this great institution by the Antichrist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, must not go unanswered.  The Catholic Church has your back, Harvard.”

At a press conference the next day, Harvard President Alan Garber struggled to maintain his composure.  “This gesture on the part of Pope Leo is beyond generous,” said Garber.  “In appreciation, we will begin every class meeting on our campus in the Fall 2025 semester with a mini-Mass and a group shout-out to Rome on Tik Tok coordinated by the instructor.  It’s the least we can do.”

Vatican officials report that Sunday’s “Campaign for the Crimson” netted 63 euros, 2 Pandora rosary-bead bracelets, and a Shohei Ohtani baseball card in near-mint condition.  

The U. S. Department of Education recently announced that it is accepting applications for new accreditation agencies in higher education (Chronicle of Higher Education, May 1st online).  

The first such application received by the Department was on May 3rd from Deity Consultants in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  According to the Reverend Carl Masblad, Deity’s Executive Director, the agency will specialize in accrediting religious institutions, including Bible colleges. 

Speaking from the organization’s headquarters in a repurposed Mister Softee ice cream truck at a rest area on Rte. 41 in Murfreesboro, Reverend Masblad pledged to “uphold the most rigorous academic and theological standards when evaluating institutions that seek our accreditation.  For example, how many unabridged Bibles does your school have?  Do the Bibles contain inspirational color illustrations or photographs of Jesus Christ and his Apostles spreading the Word of God in rural, urban, and suburban areas?  How often does God the Father visit your campus to provide guidance to the Faculty Senate?  Is the concept of the Virgin Birth respectfully explained in Biology courses?  Do Chemistry labs address the process of turning water into wine — and back again?  In Forensic Science classes, is instruction provided in distinguishing between true and false gods?  Can undergraduates do internships in Hell — or, failing that, Bayonne, New Jersey?”

The accreditation staff will consist of Reverend Masblad, his nephew Scooter (when he’s released from prison), and Scooter’s 15-year-old bride Nadine, who is pregnant with what everyone hopes is Scooter’s child.  

Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, has reviewed Deity’s application and given it a tentative thumbs up. “I like the fact that at Deity you’ll be able to get your institution accredited while ordering a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles,” says McMahon. 

Researchers at Rutgers University have identified what appears to be the only college term paper written in the United States in Spring 2025 that did not receive assistance from Artificial Intelligence (AI).  

The 17-page paper, entitled “Foods I Like,” was submitted to a Senior Honors Seminar in the Nutrition Department at Clemson University. 

The author, Peyton DeBrine, said that writing the paper was “the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and that includes telling my girlfriend last semester that I had contracted herpes from her best friend.  With this paper, I had to think of all the things I’ve eaten in my life, and then I had to decide what things I liked the most.  I’m almost 21 years old, so I’ve eaten a lot of stuff. 

“The other kids in the class cheated.  They used ChatGPT to find out what the most popular foods in South Carolina were, and then they said that those things were their favorites.  I was the only student who didn’t write about boiled peanuts, shrimp and grits, or fried pork rinds.”

Mr. DeBrine’s claim of originality was verified when the Rutgers research team reverse-engineered the text of his term paper.   “Every sentence he wrote could be traced back to one or more neurons firing in his brain,” confirmed team leader Natalie Cluckson, a neuroscientist.  “All paths ended there, with no external AI stimulation involved.  This young man is telling the truth about the origins of the document we examined.  Although the quality of the paper is not high — he consistently misspells ‘Funyuns’ and ‘Pringles’, for example — that’s not the key issue here.  What’s important is that Mr. DeBrine has achieved mediocrity on his own.  He should feel good about what he’s accomplished.”