Month: January 2024

On Thursday, Open AI announced the availability of Presidential ChatGPT 2.0 (P-GPT2), a computer chip that can be implanted painlessly into the frontal lobe of a college or university president’s brain.  This chip replaces P-GPT1, which had a fatal malfunction during the December 5th Congressional testimony of the presidents of MIT, Harvard, and Penn.  

P-GPT2 enables leaders in higher education to speak eloquently in a wide variety of situations.  For example:

— Graduation Ceremonies (“As you look to the future, keep in mind that it has not yet arrived…”)

— General Faculty Meetings (“We have tough and agonizing budget choices to make, and they will be challenging as well as difficult.  Did I mention that they will be tough, agonizing, challenging, and difficult?  In any event, if you are tapped on the shoulder by a campus police officer during this address, please go quietly.  We wish you well.”)

— Student Government Association Meetings (“With global warming spreading faster than athlete’s foot in a YMCA locker room in the 1950s, we have decided to phase out our varsity curling team.”)

— Sexual Scandals (“We do not comment on personnel incidents involving the removal of underwear.”)

— Faculty Senate Meetings (“The merger of the Philosophy and Esports Departments next semester will require cross-training of both faculties.”)

— “No Comment” Situations (“No comment.”)

— Trans Issues (“I don’t see gender.  I see people.  Except when I watch Beyoncé in concert.  Then I see lots of gender.”)

— Intersectionality Disputes (“Isn’t every one of us just one big crossword puzzle of traumatized identities?”)

— Greta Gerwig (“It’s a crime she wasn’t nominated for Best Director.  Damn you, Martin Scorsese, for pulling a Biden!”)

— U.S. Senate Committee Hearings (“Yes, our school’s Code of Conduct for students absolutely prohibits that.  Our Code of Conduct prohibits everything.”)

Presidents can select the P-GPT2 model that fits them best:

— Standard (recommended for most Presidents)

— Elite (you know who you are)

— Southeastern Conference (SEC)

— Christian Evangelical Bible College (with Evolution-Bypass function)

— For-Profit (does not include Veracity App)

Related story: suicides among executive coaches in higher education are expected to increase by 35% in 2024.  

 

 

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives on college and university campuses are increasingly coming under attack.  To a great extent this backlash is being fueled by misinformation campaigns that go viral on social media.  Here are the top ten pieces of fake news currently circulating about DEI efforts in higher education:

— After every snowfall of one inch or more at Colby College in Maine, employees obliterate the blanket of whiteness on the campus quadrangle by drenching the snow with Hawaiian Shave Ice Rainbow Syrup.   

— The only smoothie available in cafeterias at Stanford University is the “Kumbaya,” a 20-ounce whipped blend of beef tacos, chitterlings, hummus, jerk chicken, pork fried rice, and pizza.  

— At Duke University, every white student must apologize to a student of color at least three times during the semester.  Biracial students must apologize to themselves. 

— During Orientation Week, all 1st-year students at UC-Berkeley attend a 2-hour interactive session entitled “Why Aren’t You Trans?”

— The Vice President for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion at Tufts University mandated that a student production of “Gone with the Wind” cast a Black woman as Scarlett O’Hara and an Asian man as Rhett Butler.  

— At the University of Pennsylvania, at least one starting player on the men’s basketball team must be either legally blind or under 5 feet tall.  The team has not scored a single fast-break point in the past two years. 

— All Faculty Senate meetings at Grinnell College in Iowa begin with Drag Queen Storytime.

— In order to receive tenure at the University of Chicago, professors must agree to donate 10% of their estate to an HBCU when they die.  

— Every commencement ceremony at Middlebury College in Vermont includes an acknowledgement by the President that the land occupied by the College was originally settled by squirrels.  

— At Yale University, a representative of the Communist Party leads students in pledging allegiance to the 1619 Project of The New York Times at the beginning of every class.

Please do your part.  Report all DEI rumors to University Life so we can check their accuracy.  Thank you. 

 

 

The fallout at Harvard from L’Affaire Gay continues.  On Wednesday, Harvard Divinity School announced the removal of one of the school’s most popular courses from its curriculum. 

“A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Mullah Walk into a Bar” (DIV 421) is an elective that has been offered at Harvard for decades.  DIV 421 focuses on the use of “pulpit humor” during religious services, and over the years it has featured guest speakers such as Billy Crystal, Joan Rivers, Ricky Gervais, and Whoopi Goldberg.  

According to Marla Frederick, Dean of the Divinity School, “this course is the latest casualty in the culture wars that plague our nation.  Last semester the instructor of DIV 421 told two classic liturgical jokes in class that several students found highly objectionable; the first was ‘Huns versus Nuns’ and the second was ‘When Allah Ate Challah’.  Rather than continue to risk a firestorm of controversy ignited by humorless dimwits following every class session, we have decided to eliminate the course entirely.  I must admit, I’m getting tired of dealing with this bulls**t.”

DIV 421 will be replaced by a new elective, DIV 428: “Sparkling or Tap?  Current Controversies in Baptismal-Font Water.”

 

If you’re looking for an innovative, engaging way to kick off your spring semester courses, the American Association of University Professors (AAUP) has a terrific recommendation: the Trigger Word Experiential Exercise (TWEE). 

The mechanics of TWEE are simple and straightforward.  On the first day of class, you inform students that each one of them can select up to five traumatizing words and/or phrases that you promise never to use during the semester.  

Not to worry.  With the English language containing hundreds of thousands of words, you’ll have plenty of words left over to deploy in your lectures.  Naturally, students vary in terms of the specific words that can make them hysterically uncomfortable.  Here are the ones you are most likely to encounter, depending on the student subgroup:

FAR-RIGHT STUDENTS

• “Equality”
• “Trans”
• “New York Times”
• “Race”
• “Racism”
• “Enslaved person”
• “Reparations”
• “Immigration”
• “Quinoa”
• “Harvard”
• “Reproductive rights”
• “Mifepristone”
• “Integrated swimming pools”
• “Science”

FAR-LEFT STUDENTS

• “Chick-fil-A”
• “Meritocracy”
• “Florida”
• “Mississippi”
• “Alabama”
• “Texas”
• “Legacy admissions”
• “Orange”
• “Hobby Lobby”
• “Slave”
• “SAT”
• “IQ score”
• “Elise Stefanik”
• “Republican”

LAZY STUDENTS

• “Due date”
• “Assignment”
• “Reading”
• “Book”
• “Article”
• “Writing”
• “Cognition”
• “Analysis”
• “Idea”
• “Thought”
• “Attendance”
• “Exam”
• “Essay”
• “Work”
• “Knowledge”
• “Learning”

STEM MAJORS

• “Feelings”
• “People”
• “Relationships”
• “Emotions”
• “Human”
• “Literature”
• “Touch”
• “Lived experience”
• “Eye contact”
• “Foucault”
• “Thou”

Finally, a fun way to get students involved in helping you help them inventory the nuggets of dread in their lives.  It’s TWEE!