On Thursday, Open AI announced the availability of Presidential ChatGPT 2.0 (P-GPT2), a computer chip that can be implanted painlessly into the frontal lobe of a college or university president’s brain. This chip replaces P-GPT1, which had a fatal malfunction during the December 5th Congressional testimony of the presidents of MIT, Harvard, and Penn.
P-GPT2 enables leaders in higher education to speak eloquently in a wide variety of situations. For example:
— Graduation Ceremonies (“As you look to the future, keep in mind that it has not yet arrived…”)
— General Faculty Meetings (“We have tough and agonizing budget choices to make, and they will be challenging as well as difficult. Did I mention that they will be tough, agonizing, challenging, and difficult? In any event, if you are tapped on the shoulder by a campus police officer during this address, please go quietly. We wish you well.”)
— Student Government Association Meetings (“With global warming spreading faster than athlete’s foot in a YMCA locker room in the 1950s, we have decided to phase out our varsity curling team.”)
— Sexual Scandals (“We do not comment on personnel incidents involving the removal of underwear.”)
— Faculty Senate Meetings (“The merger of the Philosophy and Esports Departments next semester will require cross-training of both faculties.”)
— “No Comment” Situations (“No comment.”)
— Trans Issues (“I don’t see gender. I see people. Except when I watch Beyoncé in concert. Then I see lots of gender.”)
— Intersectionality Disputes (“Isn’t every one of us just one big crossword puzzle of traumatized identities?”)
— Greta Gerwig (“It’s a crime she wasn’t nominated for Best Director. Damn you, Martin Scorsese, for pulling a Biden!”)
— U.S. Senate Committee Hearings (“Yes, our school’s Code of Conduct for students absolutely prohibits that. Our Code of Conduct prohibits everything.”)
Presidents can select the P-GPT2 model that fits them best:
— Standard (recommended for most Presidents)
— Elite (you know who you are)
— Southeastern Conference (SEC)
— Christian Evangelical Bible College (with Evolution-Bypass function)
— For-Profit (does not include Veracity App)
Related story: suicides among executive coaches in higher education are expected to increase by 35% in 2024.