When What You Say Matters….

On Thursday, Open AI announced the availability of Presidential ChatGPT 2.0 (P-GPT2), a computer chip that can be implanted painlessly into the frontal lobe of a college or university president’s brain.  This chip replaces P-GPT1, which had a fatal malfunction during the December 5th Congressional testimony of the presidents of MIT, Harvard, and Penn.  

P-GPT2 enables leaders in higher education to speak eloquently in a wide variety of situations.  For example:

— Graduation Ceremonies (“As you look to the future, keep in mind that it has not yet arrived…”)

— General Faculty Meetings (“We have tough and agonizing budget choices to make, and they will be challenging as well as difficult.  Did I mention that they will be tough, agonizing, challenging, and difficult?  In any event, if you are tapped on the shoulder by a campus police officer during this address, please go quietly.  We wish you well.”)

— Student Government Association Meetings (“With global warming spreading faster than athlete’s foot in a YMCA locker room in the 1950s, we have decided to phase out our varsity curling team.”)

— Sexual Scandals (“We do not comment on personnel incidents involving the removal of underwear.”)

— Faculty Senate Meetings (“The merger of the Philosophy and Esports Departments next semester will require cross-training of both faculties.”)

— “No Comment” Situations (“No comment.”)

— Trans Issues (“I don’t see gender.  I see people.  Except when I watch Beyoncé in concert.  Then I see lots of gender.”)

— Intersectionality Disputes (“Isn’t every one of us just one big crossword puzzle of traumatized identities?”)

— Greta Gerwig (“It’s a crime she wasn’t nominated for Best Director.  Damn you, Martin Scorsese, for pulling a Biden!”)

— U.S. Senate Committee Hearings (“Yes, our school’s Code of Conduct for students absolutely prohibits that.  Our Code of Conduct prohibits everything.”)

Presidents can select the P-GPT2 model that fits them best:

Standard (recommended for most Presidents)

Elite (you know who you are)

Southeastern Conference (SEC)

Christian Evangelical Bible College (with Evolution-Bypass function)

For-Profit (does not include Veracity App)

Related story: suicides among executive coaches in higher education are expected to increase by 35% in 2024.