Who Goes There?

How open should the search for a university president be, in terms of revealing the names of finalists to the campus community?  That question is the focus of a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article by a senior partner at an executive-search firm (March 15th issue, pp. 48-49).  

Although the author provides a useful overview of major approaches to handling this issue, he does not discuss three cutting-edge strategies that have emerged in the past couple of years.  Here they are:

Orchestral Audition Gambit (OAG):  This is the new gold standard for secrecy.  The distinctiveness of OAG is that not even the school’s board of trustees knows who the finalists are for the presidency.  These finalists are selected by a higher-education search firm and individually interviewed by the board, with candidates hidden behind a screen in a darkened conference room.  (Think of violinists auditioning for a position with a major orchestra.)  As the candidates answer questions, their speech is filtered through a voice-altering microphone.  

The identity of the candidate who is ultimately hired is kept secret for at least one year after he or she takes office.  During that period the new president does not appear on campus, working instead from an underground bunker in a nearby city or town.  Bowdoin College used the Gambit method to choose its current president, and by all accounts is very pleased with the outcome.   

Cloak-and-Dagger Search:  Institutions employing this approach identify and evaluate presidential candidates without notifying them that they are being considered, or even announcing to the public that a search is taking place.  Background information on individuals is gathered using surveillance techniques typically employed by international drug cartels and carried out by retired CIA operatives. 

Once the board of trustees has made its final decision, the “chosen one” is abducted from a parking garage, taken to a secure location, and informed that he or she can either accept the position of president or be “disappeared.”  The University of California System began using this approach in 2023.  Preliminary results look promising.  

Sunshine State Strategy:  The go-to method in Florida.  Whenever a presidential vacancy occurs in one of the state’s universities, Governor Ron DeSantis assumes the office without the public’s knowledge.  A local member of the Screen Actors Guild is hired by the school’s board of trustees, provided with an academic-sounding alias (e.g., Haydon Tittleton, Jr.), and presented to the campus community as president.  This approach has been so successful that South Carolina plans to adopt it and, not trusting its own governor, has arranged for Mr. DeSantis to use the NCAA’s transfer portal to switch states.  

MORAL OF THE STORY:  When it comes to presidential searches, the evidence is mounting that ignorance can indeed be bliss.  

Welcome to WestWorld….

Fevered speculation about the impact of AI and ChatGPT on colleges and universities has become a favorite topic among higher education pundits in recent years.  Now, this artificial gray matter is poised to really hit the fan:  on September 1st, 2025 the University of Texas System will open its WestWorld campus in Rocksprings, Texas.  At the University of Texas-WestWorld, every faculty member will be an android fully equipped with all the ChatGPT knowledge associated with his or her field of study. 

The details:  Using seed technology, a “starter nugget” of disciplinary fact will be implanted in each android.  For example, the nugget might be the Principle of Relativity (physics), or the Pythagorean Theorem (mathematics), or the observation that “patriarchy sucks and White Americans are terrified that Black people are going to kill them in their sleep as payback for slavery” (sociology).   After nugget insertion, AI algorithms will take over within each android and proceed to generate the totality of information needed to provide state-of-the-art instruction to students. 

According to James Milliken, Chancellor of the University of Texas System, “the use of ChatGPT-enabled androids in WestWorld classrooms will result in labor costs that are a tiny fraction of what they would be on a traditional campus.  And I promise you: these savings will be funneled directly into funding for the football team.

“Even better, if the occasional student ends up having an affair with a hot faculty android, there’s nothing to worry about.  Given that it’s not illegal to have sex with an inflatable doll from Joy Love, I can’t imagine Governor Abbott having a problem with a random undergraduate hooking up with a robot professor or two.  Hell, this is the future of higher education, buckaroos!”

In anticipation of UT-WestWorld’s opening, the National Federation of Android Faculty (NFAF) has sued the American Association of University Professors (AAUP), claiming that NFAF members have been prohibited from joining AAUP because they are not “fully human.”  

At a recent press conference at NFAF headquarters in Minneapolis, the organization’s legal counsel, Benjamin 4XTF9, remarked, “Fully human?  Are you kidding me?  Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a Mechanical Engineering professor at Cal Tech?  Give me a break!”

NOTE:  The deadline for submitting an application for early admission to the inaugural class of UT-WestWorld is November 1, 2024.

Angel Hair Is Also An Option….

As conservative state legislatures and higher education governing boards increasingly restrict DEI initiatives at public universities, signs of cultural retrenchment are popping up on campuses all around the country.  Here are 10 of the most egregious examples:

UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS:  Embedding one’s personal-pronoun preference (he/she/they/it) in an email signature is now prohibited.  Instead, faculty and staff must indicate their favorite pasta shape (rotini, farfalle, penne, vermicelli, ziti, etc.).

BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY:  New school motto: “Making America White Again”  

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA:  USC’s Center for Entrepreneurial Excellence recently established a Sexual Trafficking Certificate Program.

UNIVERSITY OF WYOMING:  Vegetarians are required to wear an armband bearing a broccoli logo whenever they enter the dining hall.  Vegans must eat off-campus.  

LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY:  Will install in front of the student union a 30-foot statue honoring Simon LeGree, the plantation owner depicted in Uncle Tom’s Cabin.  Mr. LeGree will brandish a whip.  New school motto: “Discipline, Above All”

UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY:  In April, UK’s Office of Student Activities will sponsor its first annual “Take Back the Night” march for heterosexual males, funded by Coors Light and Axe Body Spray. 

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA:  Recently opened its Christopher Columbus Institute for Indigenous and Injun Studies.

MISSISSIPPI STATE UNIVERSITY:  The school’s wildly popular podcast, “Racial Disparities in God’s Plan,” will begin its second season in June.  

AUBURN UNIVERSITY:  New school motto:  “Erasing the Line between Church and State” 

UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA:  In response to the current “trans” crisis, all applications for admission must be accompanied by a photo of the student’s birth genitalia.  

Stay tuned.