Month: January 2022

A January 20th Chronicle of Higher Education online article notes that we should “add attendance policies to the list of higher-education practices coming under new scrutiny in the pandemic.”

Toward that end, University Life recently surveyed class-attendance expectations at a number of colleges and universities across the country.  The results, to put it mildly, are intriguing.  Consider: 

U. S. Military Academy —  According to Academy Superintendent, Lieutenant General Darryl A. Williams, “the only acceptable reason for missing class at West Point is death — your own.  The United States didn’t build a world-class fighting force by letting soldiers sit on the sidelines whenever they shattered a leg or suffered a gaping chest wound.  And as educational psychologists have shown us, you don’t need to be conscious in order to learn, so spare me all that whining about traumatic brain injury.  We’re talking here about WILLPOWER, boys and girls.”

Oral Roberts University —  This evangelical institution has no formal attendance requirements.  Page 17 of the Student Handbook states that “if you are an ORU student whose tuition payments are up to date, your spirit is present throughout our campus.  Although your body may not be in class on any given day, your SOUL certainly is.  Have a blessed day, wherever you are.”

Brigham Young University —  A male student is allowed to miss class if he needs to preside over a dormitory suite meeting in which 3 or more of his wives are scheduling evening conjugal visits.  

University of Maine at Fort Kent —  At this northernmost campus in the University of Maine system, students are permitted to be absent if they become encased in a glacier on the way to class.  “This happens more often than you might think,” says Fort Kent President Deborah Hedeen.  “That’s why all of our freshmen have a smartphone app that reminds them to zip up their tundra suits before venturing out in the morning.  We’ve lost more students to ‘glacier creep’ than I care to count.  Notifying the parents is the worst part of my job.”

Idaho State University —  Only school in the nation where students can miss class in order to attend Q-Anon meetings.  

University of Miami —  No penalty for absences if you have something more interesting to do, or if it’s a good tanning day. 

University of Alabama —  No one (not even the instructor) is required to show up for class during the college football season, which runs from late August through early January.  Beginning in 2023, the University will close during this period every year, with only football operations taking place.  “Let’s be honest,” says President Stuart Bell, “when the Crimson Tide is playing, classes are a distraction.  I’m convinced that we lost the national championship game to Georgia in January for exactly that reason.  Never again.  Not on my watch.”

There’s leadership, and then there’s LEADERSHIP.

TRUE FACT:  “The University of Virginia will ban food and drink from sports events and other school and student activities to keep people in attendance from removing their masks” (The Daily Progress, January 14th online).  The policy will be in effect until February 4th. 

While some might view this prohibition as a serious inconvenience, the UVA chapter of the Zen-Foucault Society does not.  As chapter President Willow Ravenshire put it, “what we call ‘food’ and ‘drink’ are simply mental images that reflect a failed attempt on our part to fill the gaping hole in our soul generated by the meaninglessness of life in the dystopian patriarchy of 21st-century American society.”

Ravenshire, a junior majoring in semiotics, notes that “a hamburger or bottle of Bud Lite is not something ‘real’, in the sense that it exists independently of our conceptualization of it.  We may think that we eat or drink physical substances, but we don’t — not really.  Those ‘substances’ are just thought balloons.  They don’t satisfy our deep hunger for an authentic existence, one in which we would feel free to fully express our animosity toward our zombified extended family at holiday gatherings.  In fact, the University has probably done all of the UVA community a favor by hastening the day — February 4th, to be exact — when Michel Foucault and Bodhidharma will return in human form to Charlottesville to preside over the world’s first Post-Modernist Ideational Food Rapture, catered by Popeyes Imaginary Chicken.”

Mark your calendars now. 

Dear Bob –

As your home-health-care aide has informed you, you are the only surviving member of the Class of 1922.  Accordingly, our Alumni Affairs Office has prepared a very special program of activities for your June 17^th to 19^th reunion visit to campus.  We’ll be devoting all of our attention that weekend to you, and just you!

Here’s the schedule:

FRIDAY, JUNE 17

4:00 pm          Check in at Cabot House, followed by a power nap in your room

5:30 pm          Wine and cheese reception, substituting “Easy Digest” apple juice and unbuttered toast (no crust) for wine and cheese. You’ll be the sole attendee, but feel free to chat with The Ellingtons, Harvard’s student jazz combo, during their break.

7:00 pm          “Dinner with a Dean” (You will be dining with Dr. Gwen Freckly-Hoster, Dean of the Henry Kissinger School of Gerontology and Senior Studies; Menu: Broiled Chicken Breast à la Crimson, aged baby peas and carrot snips in raisin sauce, dinner roll, Charles River Sparkling Water)

8:30 pm          Cataract surgery on your left eye, courtesy of Harvard Health Services

10:00 pm        Lights out

SATURDAY, JUNE 18

6:30 am           Morning Fun Run with the Harvard Cross Country team.  Make sure to spray the wheels of your walker with a liberal dose of WD-40 so you can keep up!  Course length: 100 feet 

7:30 am           More unbuttered toast, accompanied by an H₂O sucking sponge

8:30 am           2022 Welcome Back Lecture – “Managing Your Prostate When It’s Larger Than a Throw Pillow: Lessons from Clinical Practice” 

10:00 am         Medication break (BYOPills), hosted by the Harvard Cannabis Dispensary

10:45 am         Flash Card Jeopardy; win cash prizes and cryptocurrency by distinguishing historical events that did happen from those that didn’t (e.g., World War II [did]; release of a gangsta rap album by Michael Feinstein in 1993 [didn’t])

11:30 am         Meeting with Harvard’s Director of Estate Bequests (no need to bring your paperwork; we’ll have it)

12:30 pm        Mini-Buffet Lunch: Lima Bean Surprise with unbuttered toast

1:30 pm          Bench-sitting in Harvard Yard; random staring

4:00 pm           Advances in Science lecture jointly sponsored by the Physics and Biology Departments: “I Can’t Feel My Feet, But That’s a Good Thing, Right?: New Developments in Incremental Cryonics” (will be held in the basement meat locker of Widener Library)

5:30 pm           On Your Own: Free time for humming and picking lint from your sweater

7:00 pm           Dinner: Soft-serve energy bar (pineapple or refried bean)

8:00 pm           Lights out

SUNDAY, JUNE 19

9:00 am           Non-denominational liturgical service at Memorial Church (Sermon – “Sex Outside of Marriage When You’re Over 120: Physically Possible but Morally Hazardous?”)

11:00 am         Workshop on advanced muttering, sponsored by the Division of Continuing Education

1:00 pm           Special performance by the Harvard Lived Experience Student Collective: “White Privilege Doesn’t Go Away Just Because You’re Old” (Note: This musical revue will include starter-pistol gunshots and real tear gas)

2:30 pm          “What the Hell Is That Thing Growing on My Neck?”  Lecture sponsored by the Harvard Medical School Bedside Manner Clinic

3:30 pm          Closing ceremonies; Golden Walker Award presented to all reunion attendees (that would be you, Bob); signing of legal documents finalizing estate bequest agreement (once again, that would be you)   

SAFE TRAVELS!

SAVE THE DATES FOR YOUR 125^TH REUNION:  JUNE 18 TO 20, 2027

The cover story of the January 7th issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education claims that “academic burnout is real — but difficult to diagnose” (p. 13).

Fortunately, this difficulty has been overcome.  On February 1st, a research team at Northwestern University will publish a 10-item survey instrument, validated in multiple pilot studies, that measures Faculty Emotional Exhaustion and Disengagement (FEED).  University Life has obtained a copy of the inventory, and we are pleased to share it now as a service to our readers.

FEED Inventory

Instructions:  Using a 5-point scale, indicate how likely it is that you would display each of the following behaviors (1 = not likely at all, 5 = extremely likely).

— In a department meeting, a discussion of whether to change the prefix for all History courses from “HIS” to “HST” is now entering its fourth hour.  Some of your colleagues maintain that “HIS” is sexist.  You take a live grenade out of your briefcase, pull the pin, and place it in the middle of the conference table.  You calmly announce that a decision must be made in the next 30 seconds. 

—  At the beginning of your lecture to a Zoom-based class right after lunch, you notice that there is a conspicuous piece of mustard-covered pastrami dangling from your chin.  You choose to leave it there.

—  During an in-person session of your Political Institutions course, a puzzled student remarks that she’s having a hard time distinguishing between oligarchy, autocracy, and totalitarianism.  You respond that “it doesn’t matter.  Death claims us all in the end.”

—  In a faculty workshop on how to deal with cheating, you defend plagiarism as a legitimate strategy for students to employ when they’re facing multiple pressing deadlines. 

—  When the Provost makes a surprise announcement at a campus-wide meeting that all faculty and staff will receive a full cost-of-living salary increase for the coming year, you stand up and scream, “you call this ‘LIVING’?”

—  In a faculty symposium devoted to the late bell hooks, you are asked to comment on the cultural and ideological implications of her decision not to capitalize her first or last name.  You respond “whatever” and walk off the stage.  

—  You propose an undergraduate Honors Seminar (Closeted Comics) devoted to overlooked humor in the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean-Paul Sartre, Frantz Fanon, and Max Weber.

—  You notice that a student has repeatedly confused “it’s” and “its” in her term paper.  You circle the incorrect words in red and indicate that the correct spelling is ‘itz’.

— Your son, a high school junior, approaches you after dinner to ask for advice on choosing a college.  You hand him a recruiting brochure for the U. S. Army and leave the house to take the dog for a walk.  

—  You instruct your doctoral-student advisee to cite only Wikipedia references in her dissertation. 

A total score of 11 or above indicates clinical depression.  Self-medication is recommended.