Welcome, Harvard Class of 1922, to Your 100th-Anniversary Class Reunion!

Dear Bob –

As your home-health-care aide has informed you, you are the only surviving member of the Class of 1922.  Accordingly, our Alumni Affairs Office has prepared a very special program of activities for your June 17th to 19th reunion visit to campus.  We’ll be devoting all of our attention that weekend to you, and just you!

Here’s the schedule:


4:00 pm          Check in at Cabot House, followed by a power nap in your room

5:30 pm          Wine and cheese reception, substituting “Easy Digest” apple juice and unbuttered toast (no crust) for wine and cheese. You’ll be the sole attendee, but feel free to chat with The Ellingtons, Harvard’s student jazz combo, during their break.

7:00 pm          “Dinner with a Dean” (You will be dining with Dr. Gwen Freckly-Hoster, Dean of the Henry Kissinger School of Gerontology and Senior Studies; Menu: Broiled Chicken Breast à la Crimson, aged baby peas and carrot snips in raisin sauce, dinner roll, Charles River Sparkling Water)

8:30 pm          Cataract surgery on your left eye, courtesy of Harvard Health Services

10:00 pm        Lights out


6:30 am           Morning Fun Run with the Harvard Cross Country team.  Make sure to spray the wheels of your walker with a liberal dose of WD-40 so you can keep up!  Course length: 100 feet 

7:30 am           More unbuttered toast, accompanied by an H₂O sucking sponge

8:30 am           2022 Welcome Back Lecture – “Managing Your Prostate When It’s Larger Than a Throw Pillow: Lessons from Clinical Practice” 

10:00 am         Medication break (BYOPills), hosted by the Harvard Cannabis Dispensary

10:45 am         Flash Card Jeopardy; win cash prizes and cryptocurrency by distinguishing historical events that did happen from those that didn’t (e.g., World War II [did]; release of a gangsta rap album by Michael Feinstein in 1993 [didn’t])

11:30 am         Meeting with Harvard’s Director of Estate Bequests (no need to bring your paperwork; we’ll have it)

12:30 pm        Mini-Buffet Lunch: Lima Bean Surprise with unbuttered toast

1:30 pm          Bench-sitting in Harvard Yard; random staring

4:00 pm           Advances in Science lecture jointly sponsored by the Physics and Biology Departments: “I Can’t Feel My Feet, But That’s a Good Thing, Right?: New Developments in Incremental Cryonics (will be held in the basement meat locker of Widener Library)

5:30 pm           On Your Own: Free time for humming and picking lint from your sweater

7:00 pm           Dinner: Soft-serve energy bar (pineapple or refried bean)

8:00 pm           Lights out


9:00 am           Non-denominational liturgical service at Memorial Church (Sermon – “Sex Outside of Marriage When You’re Over 120: Physically Possible but Morally Hazardous?”)

11:00 am         Workshop on advanced muttering, sponsored by the Division of Continuing Education

1:00 pm           Special performance by the Harvard Lived Experience Student Collective: “White Privilege Doesn’t Go Away Just Because You’re Old” (Note: This musical revue will include starter-pistol gunshots and real tear gas)

2:30 pm          “What the Hell Is That Thing Growing on My Neck?”  Lecture sponsored by the Harvard Medical School Bedside Manner Clinic

3:30 pm          Closing ceremonies; Golden Walker Award presented to all reunion attendees (that would be you, Bob); signing of legal documents finalizing estate bequest agreement (once again, that would be you)