BREAKING NEWS: According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, “AI cases have overwhelmed academic-integrity committees across the country, leaving professors and administrators scrambling over how to prove — and punish — misuse” (August 13th online).
Relax, folks. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology has come up with a solution. Sally Kornbluth, MIT’s President, announced on Sunday that she has disbanded the school’s seven-member Academic Ethics Committee and replaced it with GOTCHA!, an AI android that serves as the sole hearing officer for cases of student plagiarism and cheating.
“With GOTCHA!, the review process is easy-peasy,” says Kornbluth. “We simply provide the android with the name of the accused student. After GOTCHA! examines its comprehensive data bank on the student’s pre-college life, including his/her criminal record, eating habits, and known list of associates, it renders a decision of ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’. Thoroughly exploring a student’s biography in this way will tell you everything you need to know about whether that student would do something bad in college. There’s no need to look at the suspicious paper or exam produced by the student. Once GOTCHA! has the student’s name, the whole process takes about 15 minutes. Incredible!“
A guilty verdict typically results in GOTCHA! imposing a sentence of life in prison. “We’ve lost nearly a quarter of our freshman class to incarceration this year,” Kornbluth acknowledges. “Yes, it’s an unfortunate outcome for those individuals and their families, but let’s count our blessings. In Texas, where the death penalty is in force, these students would literally be toast. If GOTCHA! existed in the Lone Star State, there wouldn’t be an undergraduate left alive at Texas A&M. Hell, those kids use AI to script their moans during sex.”
“We’re doing things the right way, here in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,” Kornbluth asserts. “Nobody knows AI better than AI.”