Month: September 2026

The stifling atmosphere that envelopes higher education in Texas continues to take its toll.  According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, an AAUP survey of college faculty in the Lone Star State reveals that approximately one-third of the respondents had applied for a job outside of Texas in the past two years (Daily Briefing, September 16th online).  

Indeed, the competition for Texas professors is getting fierce, with out-of-state schools offering increasingly attractive incentives to lure them away.  Consider the following:

Grinnell College in Iowa recently sealed the deal with a Rice University music professor when it offered her a boxed CD set of Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys’ Greatest Hits, which includes 25 previously unreleased demo tracks of their 1940 chart topper, “San Antonio Rose.”  

After Cornell University obtained permission from the Ithaca Police Department, a former Rice University criminology professor is now authorized to open-carry a loaded six-shooter on campus.  “This is a win-win for us,” claims Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff.  “Not only is our new hire ecstatic, but just last week he shot a senior in the leg who was bullying an underclassman on the quadrangle.  It’s like having Wyatt Earp on our faculty.”

The University of Vermont has given a year’s supply of tumbleweed to a UT-Austin classics professor who grew up dirt-poor in a one-room cabin outside of Amarillo.  “Reminds her of home,” says UV President Marlene Tromp.  “She keeps the tumbleweed in her office, so it’s a bit of a fire hazard, but she spritzes it every day, so it’s all good.”

Bowdoin College in Maine has presented a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader to a professor of sports management who previously taught at the University of Houston.  “I’m not even sure it’s legal to do this, given Maine’s laws against sex trafficking,” observes Safa Zaki, Bowdoin’s President.  “But we’ll never find out if we don’t try.” 

Finally, the University of Kentucky is offering a brand-new horse to every Texas-based professor who joins its faculty in 2027.  “Our state has the finest thoroughbreds in the nation,” asserts Kentucky President Eli Capilouto. “And we’re installing hitching posts outside of every classroom building on campus.  One more thing: beginning in January, all-you-can-eat servings of chewing tobacco will be available at the salad bar in the faculty dining room.  What’s not to love?”

Will there be any professors left in Texas by the end of the decade?

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article argues that “alignment” is the latest vapid term that universities employ to make more palatable a variety of administrative actions that are of questionable merit (August 6th online).

True, but things could be worse. 

A review of strategic planning documents from institutions around the country reveals a host of descriptors that are even more gag-inducing than “alignment.”  For example:

Reed College:  This free-spirited liberal arts school in Oregon is committed to the “cannabisation” of its entire curriculum in the coming decade.  According to Reed’s Vision for the Future, released in May, “every one of our courses will be marijuana-informed by 2035.  From Shakespeare to Paleontology to Quantum Physics, the role that weed has played in the evolution of the modern world will be explored in detail by Reed faculty. Our new motto: Inhale, Learn, Doze”

Arizona State University:  A behemoth of online education, ASU is pledging to “Jiffy Lube” every aspect of its functioning by 2030.  In an August 26th letter published in the Chronicle, ASU President Michael Crow observed: “If Jiffy Lube can change your car’s oil in 15 minutes, ASU should be able to deliver a three-credit course in the same amount of time.  Stand back and be amazed, mofos!”

University of Miami:  The home of the Hurricanes plans to “deep tan” its faculty, staff, and student body starting in the fall of 2027.  “Although we’re not permitted by the federal government to engage in any DEI activities here at The U,” says President Joseph Echevarria, “we want to demonstrate our commitment to people of color by supplying the white members of our community with unlimited access to Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil (SPF 0).  It will be available from all of the sanitizing dispensers that were installed on campus back in 2020 when we thought COVID was a real thing.”

Oral Roberts University:  “We’re going to ‘bonfire’ this place from top to bottom,” according to President William Wilson.  “And I’m not talking metaphorically.  There are just too many books out there containing ideas that can confuse our students and lead them astray.  So, just to be safe, we’re going to burn ALL of our books — each and every one of them.  Of course, I know what some of you are thinking: ‘Isn’t this similar to what the Nazis did in Germany in the 1930s?’  Well, yes, it is, and what exactly is the problem?” 

California Institute of Technology:  Caltech will begin its “Spirochete Initiative” in January 2027.  Named after the spiral-shaped bacteria that can invade the brain in the latter stages of syphilis, the Spirochete Initiative will consist of implanting Level 5 AI chips in the frontal lobes of all Caltech professors.  “We are not afraid of technology’s future,” asserts the school’s President, President Ray Jayawardhana.  “Indeed, we embrace it.  By the time we’re done, Caltech will have the most kick-ass faculty on the planet.”

Maybe “alignment” isn’t so bad after all.