TRUE FACT: When the University of Illinois played Maryland on October 31st at SECU Stadium in College Park, students who stayed until the fourth quarter were eligible for a raffle that would award the winning ticket holder a semester’s worth of free tuition. The goal was to attract more students to home games (Inside Higher Ed, October 28th online).
As desperate as this arrangement sounds, it’s just part of a growing number of transactional deals that colleges and universities are entering into with students, faculty, and staff. Among the most egregious:
Mississippi State University: Every time an instructor delivers a lecture in the undergraduate core course, History of the American South, without mentioning slavery, he or she receives $150.
Colby College: In order to cope with a budget-driven reduction in the number of its Buildings and Grounds employees, the Maine school now offers full-time faculty members a one-credit course-load reduction for every 100 feet of sidewalk snow they shovel on campus during January, February, and March. Several professors have used this offer to eliminate their teaching responsibilities entirely. Unfortunately, a few others — in their mid-70s — have experienced cardiac events while shoveling. “It’s worth the risk,” said one professor who’s recovering in the ICU.
UCLA: Incidents of disgruntled cafeteria workers spitting in the chili have declined by 80% in response to the school’s SALIVA-FREE BONU$ PROGRAM.
Dartmouth College: Fraternities that go a full semester without an alleged sexual assault receive five free kegs of Coors Light.
Michigan State: Whenever the Faculty Senate meets without taking a no-confidence vote in the President or Provost, the faculty dining room offers a 20% discount on all entrées for a full week.
NOTE: The success of Maryland’s experiment has prompted the school to take this initiative to the next level. Beginning in the fall of 2027, whenever a Terrapin field goal, touchdown, or pass completion of 20 yards or more is followed by crowd cheering that reaches at least 110 decibels, all attendees will receive a Cal Ripken Jr. bobblehead doll as they exit the stadium.