Month: May 2020

In the wake of East Carolina University’s decision to eliminate its swimming and diving teams due to budget problems exacerbated by the pandemic (true fact), a near-tragedy took place 3,000 miles away in Berkeley, California, home of the University of California’s swimming program, a perennial NCAA powerhouse.  University Life has obtained the details:

On May 23rd, University of California officials proudly announced that the school would not terminate its swimming program.  However, they failed to communicate that they would attempt to save money over the summer by draining the pool and turning off all the lights in the team’s training facility.  

What officials did not realize was that the men’s diving team has a long tradition of holding a secret practice at midnight on Memorial Day. 

“It’s just a way of getting the guys together and bonding in preparation for the fall season,” says Asher Blake, team co-captain.  “When we snuck into the Spieker Aquatic Complex just after midnight on May 25th, we were annoyed that the lights wouldn’t come on, but it was no big deal.  Even in the dark, we knew where the pool was.  

“The first sign that something was definitely wrong was when Hayden Tiff, our top competitor on the 27-meter platform, did his signature jackknife dive.  Instead of hearing the brief, sharp splash of his body entering the water, what filled the air resembled the sound of a large cockroach being stepped on in a tenement kitchen. 

“Grayson Fenz immediately cannonballed from the platform to find out what the problem was, and we heard the same sickening crunch.  Three more guys followed him before somebody grabbed a flashlight and we looked into the pool.

“Jesus H. Christ, it was a freakin’ train wreck down there!  Looked like the basement of Alpha Kappa Lambda after a Saturday night keg party.  Bodies splayed all over the place.  Fortunately, nobody suffered anything worse than a mild concussion, and everyone is expected to fully recover.  We dodged a bullet, man!

“The doctor in the emergency room told us that the brains of high-divers are significantly smaller, and their skulls thicker and harder, than the brains of non-divers.  It’s a scientific fact.  I guess that kind of explains why we dove into an empty pool in the first place, and why our injuries weren’t more serious.  Awesome!”

Across the country, sales of adult diapers have soared in cities and towns that house institutions of higher learning, as perspiration-drenched administrators attempt, in the midst of the pandemic, to plan for the Fall 2020 semester.  As one anonymous college president put it, “I’ve gotten used to soiling myself whenever we have a Zoom session to discuss how, and whether, to bring students back to campus in September.  Thank God we’re not meeting in person!  No room deodorizer on the planet could neutralize what I’m putting out there these days.”

Enter the University of Alabama, which is about to rewrite the playbook for creatively dealing with the havoc wreaked by COVID-19.  Yesterday it announced that on August 1st the University will be taken over by the school’s phenomenally successful NCAA Division 1 football program.  All academic and research divisions of the institution will officially become extra-curricular activities that students can participate in if they wish.   The new, restructured entity will simply be known as Crimson Tide, and the University of Alabama name will be retired.    

In a hastily called press conference, Dr. James Purcell, Executive Director of the state’s Commission on Higher Education, explained the change:

“The current pandemic has laid bare the vulnerability of institutions that prioritize academic pursuits.  Knowledge building and the communication of knowledge to students no longer represent viable, sustainable endeavors in the modern world.  In Alabama, however, we are blessed with the most successful college football operation on earth.  Indeed, you can travel to lands as far away as Yemen, Papua New Guinea, or Tasmania and find scores of street urchins proudly wearing Crimson Tide tee shirts.  It’s time to let head coach Nick Saban and his team chart the future of higher education in our beloved Cotton State. 

“Let’s face facts.  The University of Alabama was established in 1820.  The school has had 200 years to educate the residents of our state.  Can anyone look me in the eye and tell me with a straight face that our citizens are any less dumb now than they were in 1820? 

“I’m waiting.

“I didn’t think so. 

“Come this  fall, I guarantee you that Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa will be filled with students and alumni, masks or no masks.  Fans over 70 years old will be seated in their own special section, which will be equipped with ventilators.  And cheerleaders will disinfect the players with full-body sanitizing wipes after every change of possession.

“Would this model of higher education work at Yale or Amherst?  Probably not, but that’s not my problem.  It’s going to work for us.”

Some schools have “flipped the classroom” in recent years.  In Alabama, they’re flipping the institution.  Stay tuned.  

Liberty University, the evangelical Christian institution in Lynchburg, VA, can’t stop making headlines.  At the end of June the school plans to shut down its Philosophy Department.  No joke. 

At first glance, getting rid of a Philosophy Department in a university that stresses the importance of religion might seem a bit strange.  But when Liberty President Jerry Falwell, Jr. explained his reasoning at a May 13th press conference, it all made sense.  His comments:

“I visited the Philosophy Department website the other day and found this sentence: ‘The philosophy degree at Liberty develops the whole person and will prepare you for a lifetime of problem-solving and critical thinking.’  

“My immediate reaction was: Are you f**king kidding me?  Where did they come up with this bulls**t?   If there’s a bullet train to Hell and eternal damnation that’s any faster and more direct than critical thinking, I have yet to see it.  Once you get on board, it’s impossible to get off.  You start questioning EVERYTHING:  ‘Oh Professor, I don’t find the biblical story of Eve being created from Adam’s rib to be compelling.  Did armadillos come from his collarbone?  Did pussy cats come from Eve’s special place?’ 

“Next thing you know, you’ve got hoards of students dressed up like KISS, fornicating in the cafeteria’s dessert line, humping like Satanic hamsters in heat, spread-eagled all over the plastic shields that are supposed to protect the apple crisp and peach cobbler.  Believe me, that’s the last thing we need on our campus right now as we try to enforce social distancing during the pandemic.  I’m sorry, but Philosophy must go.”

Now that’s a compelling argument, no matter what your religious beliefs are.  This round goes to President Falwell. 

 

As the pandemic continues to plague our nation, colleges and universities have been grappling with the challenge of what to do about grades in Spring 2020 courses.  Many schools have chosen the familiar option of Pass/Fail, but Syracuse University has followed a different path.  Its instructors can select one of the following when submitting grades this semester:  

• “Pass with Distinction”
• “Pass”
• “Saved by COVID-19”

According to Syracuse Chancellor Kent Syverud, “our students have been traumatized enough by the coronavirus.  The last thing they need right now is a stigmatizing F on their transcript, bleeding all over the page like a stuck pig on a paper towel.  Although ‘Saved by COVID-19’ is certainly no badge of honor, it’s not as hurtful as an F, and it doesn’t lower your GPA.

“In essence, NO ONE is going to fail ANYTHING at Syracuse University this term.  It’s the least we can do for our students, given that we’ve barred them from campus since Spring Break.  There’s no way we can ever make up for all the sex and alcohol they’ve missed over the past few months because they’ve been living at home with their parents, but eliminating F’s is something we can give them.” 

Student reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.  Randy Loofer, a Pre-Med major from Utica, New York, is ecstatic.  “I was definitely headed for an F in Organic Chemistry this semester.  I had gotten a 12 on the midterm exam, and that was higher than any of my quiz scores.  My goal of becoming a brain surgeon was going down the tubes.  But now I’m back in business, baby, and it’s awesome!  Mom and Dad, can you still get me a Watson-Cheyne dissecting probe with my initials on it for my birthday?  I love you!”

President Syverud, give yourself an A for your performance this semester.  And we’re not grading on a curve.  

 

 

 

True Fact:  Southern New Hampshire University recently announced that its incoming Fall 2020 freshmen would pay NO TUITION for their first year at the school.  That’s right — these students will attend SNHU tuition-free for one year.

Wow.  

One imagines SNHU President Paul LeBlanc delivering this bombshell to a bunch of college and university presidents at a TED Talk, then dropping his microphone on the stage as he saunters off, flashing a sly smile that says, “Top that, boys and girls!  At SNHU, we put the ‘dis’ in ‘disruption’.”  

Not so fast, Wonder Boy.

Candida College in Rutland, Vermont has responded with an offer that’s even more daring.  

At a press conference three days ago, Candida President Carson “Sonny” Tarpinsky indicated that not only would the upcoming academic year be tuition-free for its freshmen, it would also be the case that each of these students would be paid $10,000 by the school for attending in 2020-21.  Tarpinsky ended his prepared remarks by inviting President LeBlanc to “bite me.”

The proceedings took an awkward turn, however, when a reporter asked Tarpinsky about the financial implications of this offer for Candida, a school with an endowment of less than $2 million.  The President turned to Candida’s Chief Financial Officer, Len Honus, who silently mouthed the words “HOLY S**T!” and smacked his forehead while gazing at Tarpinsky.

Maintaining his cool, the President told the reporter that he would get back to her soon with an answer to that question.

In a related story, Rutland police are seeking the public’s help in locating Mr. Honus, who has not been seen since the press conference.  The police have identified the Mongo brothers, Jeremy and Jessie, as “persons of interest” in the case.  They were last spotted in the vicinity of Lake Bomoseen, near the town of Castleton, carrying a chainsaw and overstuffed duffel bag.  Anyone encountering the pair should call 911, and refrain from engaging them directly.