Month: June 2019

Should the final stages of searches for college and university presidents be characterized by secrecy, with the names of the candidates only known to the search committee and a few others?  This topic has been getting an increasing amount of attention lately, as many faculty members grumble that they should not be deprived of learning, in advance, the identity of the person they will be burning in effigy six months later. 

Undaunted by this controversy, Auburn University’s Board of Trustees has taken the concept of the “secret search” to the next level.  Not only will their search for Auburn’s new President be conducted “under the radar,” the name of the successful candidate will not be shared even after the individual takes office.  Indeed, the University plans to keep secret the identity of the President for the entire duration of his or her term in office.

According to Board Chair Clement Gravenstone, the logic underlying this decision is straightforward:

“For at least the past decade college presidents have been lightning rods for negative publicity.  Hell, a president can get in trouble these days for just hugging the school mascot.  It’s ridiculous! 

“Well, you can’t get in trouble if no one knows who you are.  Our next President will function fully incognito.  The individual we hire will not have an office on campus.  The President will operate out of an underground bunker in an undisclosed location in Lee County that was once used by the Army to monitor A-Bomb tests and the CIA to put LSD in our water supply.  

“The President will never appear in public, but will hold monthly audio-only press conferences using an encrypted voice-alteration device.  All Presidential decisions will be implemented by the Provost or Campus Police, depending on the issue.  

“We realize that some folks might see the actions we are taking as inconsistent with a free and open society, and they would be right.  But the time has come for administrative leadership at Auburn to ‘go dark’, as it were, in the name of more ambitious goals.  Transparency had its day at our university, however briefly, and what did we get in return?  A victory over Purdue in the 2018 Music City Bowl in Nashville, Tennessee, that’s what we got.  Pathetic.  Simply pathetic.  We can — and must — do better.  Our alumni and current students deserve nothing less.   

“Interviews for the position of President at Auburn University will begin…..sometime……somewhere.   Details about the search will be communicated at the appropriate time to those who need to know.  If you don’t hear anything from us, rest assured that you don’t need to know.  

“When a final decision is reached, white smoke will billow from the chimney of Samford Hall.  This is the only notification that the University community and the public will receive.”

Interested parties are invited to log in to Auburn’s PrezCam, a surveillance camera that monitors the chimney 24 hours a day.  

 

 

 

Sometimes it’s just hard to find a middle ground.

True Story:  Last week the University of Central Arkansas (UCA) removed a sign celebrating Gay Pride Month from outside its campus library.  The sign’s message: Being gay is like glitter.  It never goes away. — Lady Gaga.

University Life has learned that this action followed weeks of negotiation between UCA and gay-rights advocates that had ended in a stalemate.  According to a high-level administrator at the school, UCA had proposed an alternative Gay Pride sign for the library: Being gay is evil. You’ll go to hell for sure. — God.  A second alternative put forward by UCA: Gay? No way!

The administrator maintains that “the gay-rights advocates were not willing to compromise, so that left us no choice.  We had to move the sign.  This is Conway, Arkansas, for Pete’s sake!  We’re not a major metropolis like Little Rock or Fayetteville, where nobody thinks twice about wearing a rainbow bandana in public.”

The original sign now resides in front of a 24-hour convenience store on U.S. Highway 71 in De Queen, Arkansas, a town in the state’s southwestern, far-left corner.  “We thought this location would be a much better fit,” the administrator claims.  “The store’s beef jerky aisle also serves as a satellite campus for our MBA program, so at least some UCA students will see the sign when they come to class.”  

Not a perfect solution, to be sure.  But it’s a beginning. 

 

 

The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign recently announced the termination of its resident MBA program as the school shifts its MBA focus to online education (no joke).

But hold on to your hats and tighten the drawstrings of your pajama bottoms, ladies and gents, because that’s only the beginning.  In September 2019 the University’s Medical School will also become a fully online operation.  No, you’re not hallucinating.  According to Wendell “Skip” Carrion, Dean of Medicine and Associate Vice President for Information Technology, this transformation will save the University and its students “a ton of money, with no loss in quality.”  

Carrion explains:

“So let’s talk about cadavers.  An intact human cadaver suitable for training purposes can cost as much as $2,000 plus a delivery fee.  On the other hand, you can make a perfectly decent proxy cadaver at home for less than $30 a pop using a 3D printer, heavy-duty construction paper, soybean paste, and a little dog fur.  It’s a no-brainer.

“Or consider medical residencies.   Currently, a typical residency lasts at least three years.  They’re stressful and exhausting for the trainees, leading to patients being treated by sleep-deprived physicians who mistake a pancreas for a spleen, an Adam’s apple for an elbow, or a plantar wart for a testicle.  In our four-month residency program, E-Z MedPass, freshly minted M.D.’s will stay at home and stream the first 10 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and all nine seasons of Scrubs.  Everything a practicing physician needs to know is in those shows.  You just have to pay attention.  Residents won’t need to spend countless hours in a hospital, where they are likely to be exposed to all sorts of germs and blood and oozing fluids, which can be incredibly sticky and gross.”

How will online students develop the interpersonal skills that are crucial for providing compassionate care to patients?  “No problemo, amigo,” says Carrion.  “Our YouTube library of adorable kitten videos is the largest in the Western hemisphere.  I promise you that our graduates will be unsurpassed at using a laser pointer to distract patients from their medical troubles, no matter how serious.  (‘So, you’ve developed a dry, hacking cough that just won’t go away?  That doesn’t sound……..Oooh, look!!!  There’s a red dot on the wall that keeps jumping around!!!  Let’s catch it!!!’).”

In a related announcement, the Dean indicated that in 2020 the accreditation of the University of Illinois Medical School will be switched from the American Medical Association to Yelp.  And the school will begin exploring the feasibility of offering a Twitter-based master’s degree in osteopathic medicine.

You know, this could work.