“Feelin’ Alright? I’m Not Feelin’ Too Good Myself…..”

The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign recently announced the termination of its resident MBA program as the school shifts its MBA focus to online education (no joke).

But hold on to your hats and tighten the drawstrings of your pajama bottoms, ladies and gents, because that’s only the beginning.  In September 2019 the University’s Medical School will also become a fully online operation.  No, you’re not hallucinating.  According to Wendell “Skip” Carrion, Dean of Medicine and Associate Vice President for Information Technology, this transformation will save the University and its students “a ton of money, with no loss in quality.”  

Carrion explains:

“So let’s talk about cadavers.  An intact human cadaver suitable for training purposes can cost as much as $2,000 plus a delivery fee.  On the other hand, you can make a perfectly decent proxy cadaver at home for less than $30 a pop using a 3D printer, heavy-duty construction paper, soybean paste, and a little dog fur.  It’s a no-brainer.

“Or consider medical residencies.   Currently, a typical residency lasts at least three years.  They’re stressful and exhausting for the trainees, leading to patients being treated by sleep-deprived physicians who mistake a pancreas for a spleen, an Adam’s apple for an elbow, or a plantar wart for a testicle.  In our four-month residency program, E-Z MedPass, freshly minted M.D.’s will stay at home and stream the first 10 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and all nine seasons of Scrubs.  Everything a practicing physician needs to know is in those shows.  You just have to pay attention.  Residents won’t need to spend countless hours in a hospital, where they are likely to be exposed to all sorts of germs and blood and oozing fluids, which can be incredibly sticky and gross.”

How will online students develop the interpersonal skills that are crucial for providing compassionate care to patients?  “No problemo, amigo,” says Carrion.  “Our YouTube library of adorable kitten videos is the largest in the Western hemisphere.  I promise you that our graduates will be unsurpassed at using a laser pointer to distract patients from their medical troubles, no matter how serious.  (‘So, you’ve developed a dry, hacking cough that just won’t go away?  That doesn’t sound……..Oooh, look!!!  There’s a red dot on the wall that keeps jumping around!!!  Let’s catch it!!!’).”

In a related announcement, the Dean indicated that in 2020 the accreditation of the University of Illinois Medical School will be switched from the American Medical Association to Yelp.  And the school will begin exploring the feasibility of offering a Twitter-based master’s degree in osteopathic medicine.

You know, this could work.