Month: August 2025

As elite colleges and universities scramble to dodge the heat-seeking missiles fired at them by the Trump administration, a few are taking a more proactive approach.  Here are five creative examples:

Dartmouth College:  The school has agreed to establish an Institute for the Study of White Achievement.  The Institute will highlight the many accomplishments of pale people throughout history, beginning with Harald Fairhair (850-932), who was the first King of Norway.  An entire wing will be devoted to Eric Trump.

“This day has been a long time coming,” says Dartmouth President Sian Beilock.  “For centuries, the pasty-complexioned among us have been relegated to the margins by leftist scholars who have ignored their contributions.  At Dartmouth, where the pristine whiteness of our winter snowfalls is so dazzling that it can blind a caribou, we plan to rectify that neglect.”

The Ohio State University:  In January 2026, the University will open the Melania Trump Center for Supermodel Preservation.  The Center will serve as a clearinghouse for research on anti-aging ointments, creams, and gels, as well as cutting-edge investigations that focus on gravity-defying scaffolding techniques for the female bosom-al region (FBR). 

As the First Lady recently put it, “there is no reason that Christie Brinkley shouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley FOREVER!”

Cornell University:  Construction has begun on the Museum of Wall History, which will address the crucial role that walls have played in advancing civilization.  Exhibits will include the U. S. Border Wall, the Great Wall of China, Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, and Walgreens.  

Stanford University:  “Man/woman…..boy/girl…..shepherd/sheep; it’s all about nature dividing us into two sexes,” President Donald Trump proclaimed at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Foundation for Research on the Heterosexuals in Palo Alto.  “It’s crucial that every American understand how all of creation is anchored in the missionary position taken during the sexuals by the male and female of every species, including birds and horses.  The era of confusing our young people about who does what to whom is over!”

Boston University:  The school’s Department of Criminal Justice will house the Center for the Study of Joe Biden’s Crimes Against Humanity.  At a reception celebrating the creation of the Center, FBI Director Kash Patel assured attendees that “Mr. Biden will be held accountable for his misdeeds both during and prior to his term as President, including the manufacturing of fake birth certificates for Barack Obama, Gavin Newsom, and George Romney.”

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Is your institution ready?

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently published a thought-provoking opinion piece entitled, “When Students Want You to Change Their Grades” (August 1, pp. 34-35).  The appearance of this essay coincides with the release of University Life’s annual list of 10 Most Distinctive Requests for Grade Changes received by professors over the past 12 months.  Here they are, unedited:

Dear Professor Tobias —

I would like to respectfully request that you change my final grade in your course from a B- to an A.  As a young woman, I experience the B- as a hurtful triggering symbol.  The B is clearly a visual depiction of the female bosom; the only things missing are nipples.  And the minus sign is, without question, a phallic symbol poised to enter the cleavage provided by the B.  

Thank you for your consideration.  If you don’t change my grade, I will be filing a grievance and calling the police.

Dear Dr. Grafferson —

You gave me a C in your course.  I want an A.  I’m an only child.  Do it. 

Professor Sternhausen —

I acknowledge that I fully deserve the final grade of F I received in Introduction to Political Institutions.  I didn’t turn in any of the assignments and failed both the midterm and final exams.  However, if you had done a better job of teaching this course, I would have been more motivated to study and do the work.  So, I think you bear part of the responsibility for what happened here.  How do you feel about splitting the difference, and raising my grade to a C?  Thanks. 

Dear Dr. Orfshun —

The night before the final exam in your course I found out that I was pregnant, and the father is not even my boyfriend.  The father is a guy who works at Shake Shack and always gives me an extra slice of cheese on my hamburger.  I mean, I like this guy, but I don’t want to have his baby.  

As you can imagine, I was really distracted during the exam.  Is there any chance that you could throw out my final exam score and just use the other grades I earned during the semester to determine my overall grade?  Thanks so much!

Hello Professor Spraster —

I have your dog.  If you ever want to see Corky again, you’ll change my grade from a D to an A.  I’m not kidding.  Just ask my parents about what happened to Mitzy, their cat.  I’m freakin’ crazy.  

Dr. Kitswallen —

This is God, saying hello.  Yes, that God.  The One and Only.  I don’t usually intervene in grade disputes, but Marjorie Orblaney showed me her final paper on tree snails that she wrote for your course on Portuguese Wildlife, and I have to say that I think it’s worth more than a C+.  Could you take another look at it?  Bless you.

Greetings Professor Zentz —

If you could change my final grade of F to anything else, I promise to work in a leper colony reattaching limbs for the rest of my life.  Thank you. 

Hey Doc —

This is Connor, from your Intro Psych class.  I’m dating a Physics/Philosophy double major who only sleeps with guys carrying a 4.0 GPA.  I know I’m heading towards a B- in your course right now, but could you help me out here?  Please?  This girl is totally HOT!

Dear Professor Skurn —

My dad has been diagnosed with Terminal Exploding Hemorrhoids, which are due to erupt soon after the end of the semester.  It would mean the world to him if his only daughter — that’s me — earned all A’s this term.  It would be my final gift to him.  Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.  

Dear Dr. Plankton —

This is a course in Post-Modernism, for God’s sake.  Do you really believe that grades mean ANYTHING?  That being said, could you give me an A?  I’d really appreciate it.  Bye for now.  Foucault rocks!

May all your grades be justified.