Month: August 2023

“We knew this day was coming,” laments an anonymous faculty member at New College of Florida, the state’s Honors College in Sarasota.  “It’s sadder than a flash freeze in an orange grove the night before harvesting.”

Pursuant to an Executive Order from Governor Ron DeSantis, on September 1, 2023 New College will begin a journey in which it reverts to what the Governor describes as an “educational state of nature.” 

What, exactly, does that mean?

In DeSantis’s words, “we will return New College to the pure, uncontaminated, educational Eden that characterized institutions of higher education centuries ago.  With one exception, no books or ‘scientific’ journals will be allowed on campus.  This will significantly reduce the likelihood of our students being infected with that syphilitic destroyer of young minds: COGNITION. 

“The one exception to the book prohibition will, of course, be the Bible (Floridian translation).  Every student will be provided with one, bound in genuine Everglades alligator hide, and every course in every discipline will draw exclusively from this divinely inspired source.    

“I promise you: New College will make learning great again.

“And yes, our school WILL, for the first time, field an NCAA Division I football team, with linemen the size of Hummer H1 X3’s.  Be afraid, Crimson Tide of Alabama, be very afraid.  We’re going to go Jurassic Park all over your ass.”

It’s mid-August, and professors around the country are contemplating the beginning of another academic year.  As they gaze at stacks of syllabi in desperate need of revision, some are asking themselves, “Can I really survive another year of doing this?”

If that question strikes uncomfortably close to the place you call home, it may be time to consider retirement, regardless of your age.  To assist you in making this decision, the American Association of University Professors (AAUP) has recently issued its latest edition of The Seven Warning Signs That It’s Time to Retire.  Here it is:

1.  Even though you aren’t due for your next colonoscopy until 2030, you schedule one for early September in order to avoid attending the first General Faculty Meeting of the Fall semester.

2.  Instead of using the Blue-Sticker Faculty Parking Lot to which you’ve been assigned — a location two blocks away from your office — you’ve started parking your car on the lawn right in front of your building.  You’ve accumulated over 50 tickets in the past few months that you have no intention of paying.  

3.  This year, in the section of your course syllabus reserved for communicating the school’s official policy on the use of gender pronouns in the classroom, you announce that you will be referring to everyone as “Sal.”

4.  At your department’s annual Welcome Back Potluck Party hosted by the chairperson at her beach house last week, your sole contribution was a box of Dunkin’ Donut holes.  You scattered them around the patio to attract seagulls while you got roaring drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonade.  At the end of the party you tossed your flip-flops into the koi pond and ordered a newly hired faculty member to fetch them, citing your status as a tenured professor. 

5.  You plan to screen “Pretty Woman” in IMAX format at the first meeting of your Intro to Western Civilization course in the fall; students should know how great it was to be a sex worker in the 1990s.

6.  When the weather is nice, you often skip class to go sit on your favorite bench in the campus quadrangle and engage in staring contests with pigeons.  You challenge them not to blink first, and you never lose.  If passersby interrupt the competition, you fling a donut hole at them and say “Shoo!”

7.  When colleagues invite you to lunch, you hand them a $25 gift card to Olive Garden and tell them to have a good life.  

If you said, “Yep, that’s me” in response to 4 or more of these scenarios, a visit to your school’s HR department is probably in order.  It’s time to file the appropriate paperwork to jump-start the disengagement process.  Good luck.  

 

 

In the aftermath of the Supreme Court’s recent foray into the realm of college admissions, highly selective schools around the country are grappling with the challenge of how to maintain or increase the diversity of their student bodies without explicitly favoring applicants of a certain race (see The Chronicle of Higher Education, August 1st online).

The early results indicate that elite institutions are getting creative.  Here’s a sample of application-essay prompts that schools are now using:

Brown University:  “A lot of people are talking about something called ‘race’ these days.  Our school has a name that evokes images of color, and our mascot is Bruno, a brown bear.  How does that make you feel?  If you were a student at Brown, what brave actions would you take to overcome those feelings if you felt those feelings needed be overcome?  In your answer you can refer to other animals that are noted for their courage if you wish.”   

University of Florida:  “Let’s say that you’re a slave.  Discuss some of the skills you’d hope to develop in that role, and how they might help you succeed in a work-study job at the University of Florida.” 

Bowdoin College:  “Imagine that you are a girl or boy of a non-whitish color who’s being bullied on the playground by a group of other children, some of whom may (or may not) be whitish.  How could you handle this situation in a way that would not be related to, or have implications for, your status as a non-whitish person?  Feel free to use drawings as well as words.”

Stanford University:  “Josh Gibson was a legendary Black baseball player who, due to segregation, never got a chance to play in the Major Leagues. Explain how your reaction to this fact would make a distinctive contribution to the Stanford community, especially its athletic teams.”

Duke University:  “Assume you’re a professor giving a lecture in your Organic Chemistry course when you glance out the window and notice that the student KKK chapter is setting fire to the main library and chanting, ‘D.E.I. deserves to die!’  Would you stop lecturing and attempt to transform this incident into a ‘Teachable Moment’ if it was the last class before the midterm exam?  Why or why not?”

University of Chicago:  “Beyoncé or Taylor Swift: Choose one.  That’s all.  Just choose one.”

Those softly spoken words you hear are the prayers of admissions officers throughout the nation.