From Lemons to Sweet Tea….

The resignation of University of Virginia President James Ryan is just the most recent indication that addressing the issue of race on college campuses in the Trumpian Era is hazardous to one’s professional health. 

But some institutions of higher education appear to be handling the challenge successfully.  For example, here are five schools that have integrated the hot topic of slavery into their curriculum, as illustrated by quotes from course syllabi. 

Vanderbilt University (Department of Sports Management)

ESPN 450: The Prehistory of the NBA  “This honors seminar focuses on the crucial role that slavery played in the evolution of the National Basketball Association.  If it had not been for ships bringing tourists of color to the shores of North America, the NBA today would consist of Cooper Flagg and a handful of Eastern Europeans.  The league would have 3 or 4 teams in high school gyms playing games broadcast on community access cable.”

University of Southern California (Department of Film Production)

NETFLIX 212: The Miniseries in American Television — “If you enjoyed ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, ‘Band of Brothers’, or ‘Baby Reindeer’, thank slavery.  Slavery was the inspiration for the blockbuster ABC miniseries ‘Roots’ in 1977, which was based on Alex Haley’s novel of the same name.  The massive success of ‘Roots’ on television paved the way for all subsequent miniseries.  Criticizing slavery is like voting for bad TV.”

Louisiana State University (Department of Hospitality and Tourism)

HOSP 367: Beverages and Their Origins — “Planter’s Punch, the mint julep, and sweet tea are enjoyed by millions of Americans every day, thanks to the frequently maligned institution of slavery.  These refreshing drinks were consumed in the early evening by plantation owners and their wives as they exclaimed ‘HUZZAH’ and toasted their loyal employees returning from the fields.  Slavery gave us a world in which we have alternatives to drinking hot cocoa when it’s 90 degrees outside.”

New York University (Department of Public Administration)

PA 112: Urban Transportation — “Without slavery, there would have been no Underground Railroad, and without the Underground Railroad, it would never have occurred to engineers that transportation systems could be installed below street level.  This is why the Catholic Church recognizes Harriet Tubman as the Patron Saint of Subway Systems.”

Dartmouth College (Department of Finance)

ECON 495: Engines of National Productivity — “Where would the United States be today without the buttoned-down, all-white, 100% cotton dress shirt?  What would corporate executives, hedge fund managers, and day traders wear?  Spider-Man tee shirts?  The massive harvesting of pure cotton during the era of slavery in the U. S. enabled the rise of a smartly attired professional class.  It’s often said that ‘clothes make the man’.  Well, it’s clear what made those clothes possible.  This course represents a tip of the hat to all those folks who lent their scratched and gnarled hands to the task.”

Let’s be honest.  College and university leaders need to stop whining about the impossibility of tackling tough issues in the Time of Trump.  These five schools are showing us that it can be done. 

 

 

“Let’s Make a Deal….”

The University of Idaho recently canceled its plans to purchase the University of Phoenix, just two years after the University of Arkansas made a similar decision not to proceed with the acquisition of the for-profit institution (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 4th online).

What’s next for this behemoth of online higher education?  Experts say that five candidates have emerged as leading contenders to take over the University of Phoenix.  Here they are:

Olive Garden:  Nearly 40% of all families in the United States go to Olive Garden for lunch on the day of their son’s or daughter’s graduation from college.  According to Olive Garden President Dan Kiernan, “we are determined to increase that percentage to 70% in five years.  Once we own the University of Phoenix, students will earn points toward our signature breadsticks and Velveeta/ketchup lasagna whenever they complete a 3-credit course.  It’s the ultimate win-win!”

JCPenney:  The beleaguered national retailer is expected to declare bankruptcy within the next eight months.  “We intend to take somebody down with us,” vows CEO Marc Rosen. 

The Catholic Church:  Leo XIV, the new Pope, is committed to diversifying the Vatican’s business portfolio, according to a confidential source in the Office of Papal Affairs.  “We also need to find places for Augustinian and Jesuit professors to teach when they age out of their institutions.  Research shows that online courses can be successfully taught by the clinically dead, as long as ChatGPT is available to grade assignments.”

Jiffy Lube:  “You can complete as many as three online courses while waiting for a single oil change at Jiffy Lube,” claims company President Edward Hymes.  “Why waste your time reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine or Car and Driver in our waiting room when you can be on your smartphone earning college credit in an honors course on the history of bacon?”

Public Broadcasting Service/National Public Radio:  With the Trump administration attempting to terminate all funding for these media stalwarts, PBS and NPR desperately need an infusion of tuition cash.  “We’ll hold our noses and do what we have to do,” acknowledges PBS President Paula Kerger.  “Yes, we’ll be offering a six-credit certificate program that will qualify you to be a senior reporter on the PBS NewsHour.  Now please excuse me while I go throw up.”

May the highest bidder win. 

 

Finally, Some Good News….

With higher education currently under siege in the United States, it’s rare to see bipartisan efforts aimed at rescuing the enterprise. 

But that’s exactly what Foucault-Greene University (FGU) represents. 

A collaborative venture sponsored by the Michel Foucault Society and Marjorie Taylor Greene, FGU honors iconic social constructionist Michel Foucault, as well as Ms. Greene, a member of the U. S. House of Representatives from Georgia.  

Hard-line social constructionists believe that all knowledge is socially created — that there is no objective reality apart from our interpretation of it.  Ms. Greene, on the other hand, maintains that human beings are “simply too stupid to understand anything,” citing herself as a prime example.

These two perspectives have joined forces in Foucault-Greene University, based in Atlanta.  At FGU, nothing is taught because there is nothing truly real to be learned, and even if there were, students would lack the mental capacity to comprehend it. 

Consequently, FGU’s curriculum is entirely devoted to becoming a Tik Tok influencer.  “There’s a lot that goes into being an influencer,” says FGU Chancellor George Santos, “and it takes four years of tuition to acquire the skill set.  Influencers are crucial to our nation’s economy.  Lumē Whole Body Deodorant is not going to sell itself, you know.  It needs help.  Who would have guessed that knees could smell bad?”

The official motto of Foucault-Greene University “Knowledge-Free and Proud to Be” — was created by Ms. Greene.  “I like that it’s all rhymey.”  

Welcome!

Dear Dr. _________:

We are thrilled that you will be joining us at Columbia University this fall as a tenure-track faculty member and look forward to your participation in our Orientation Day activities on August 18th.  Here is a preview of the day’s schedule:

8:30 am

Opening Prayer, Profession of Faith, and Communion Service (led by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth)

9:00 am

Workshop — What to Do When ICE Shows Up in Your Classroom During an Exam (Major Bradley Standworth, Campus Coordinator of ICE Initiatives)

10:00 am

Lecture — When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Self-Medicate: Dealing with the Stress of Being at Columbia (Melanie Yars-Woodruff, Director of the Counseling Center); pharmacists from CVS and Walgreens will be on-site

11:00 am

Q and A — What to Say if a Student Mentions James Baldwin in Class (Kyle Yern, Director of Aryan Services)

11:30 am

Skill-Building Session — Organizing a No-Confidence Vote in the President: From First Steps to Skull on a Spike (Gavin Hasteen, President of the Faculty Senate)  

Noon

Lunch on the Quad (gas masks will be provided)

1:00 pm

Q and A — Getting Your Lectures Approved by Columbia’s Content Review Office: It’s Not as Hard as You Think (Ursula Von Stutz, CRO Director)

2:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Disciplining Students Who Refuse to Use ChatGPT (moderated by Stefan Zales, Campus Liaison for Microsoft)

3:00 pm

Demonstration — Performing Physical Exams on Transgender Students: What to Look for (Nyles Hedderman, Health Services)

3:30 pm

Lecture — Publish, Don’t Perish: Sharing Your Scholarship on Truth Social (Emory Lightwind, Professor of English)

4:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Strategies for Finding Your Next Job (moderated by Erica Neffle, Career Services)

5:00 pm

Closing Remarks — “Higher Education Sucks, and You Suck” (Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education)

Can’t wait to see you in August!