Although controversy has surrounded the recent elimination of the equestrian team at the University of California, Davis (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 15th online), observers note that this is only the latest in a series of cuts to extracurricular programs on college campuses across the country. Here are several others that have raised eyebrows in the past few months:
— Boise State University has eliminated its Spud Squad, an undergraduate club that, for the past 35 years, has delivered piping-hot baked potatoes every Sunday evening to assisted living facilities in the Boise area.
“The residents love the potatoes, as well as the sour-cream-and-chive smoothies that are oh-so-gentle on elderly gums, but funding this activity simply became too expensive for us,” says BSU’s Acting President, Dr. Nancy Glenn. “And there’s no way we were going to tarnish the program’s reputation by using crappy Maine potatoes, which are cheaper.”
— The University of Vermont has shut down the Grapplers, its varsity caribou wrestling team. According to the team’s coach, “the number of young people in New England who want to wrestle wild reindeer has plummeted in the past few years. I guess they’d rather be on their smartphones. It’s a damn shame. The skills you learn in caribou wrestling stay with you for a lifetime.”
— The sun has set on the competitive tanning squad at Florida Atlantic University. “Our decision to phase out this sport was not made for budgetary reasons,” asserts FSU’s Director of Athletics. “It’s just that melanoma has been claiming the lives of 70% of our tanning alums before they reach the age of 35. Simply put, we were losing too many donors before their prime earning years. Oops, now that I think of it, that is a budgetary reason. My bad.”
— At Villanova University, the Communion Wafer Ultimate Frisbee team is no more. “Climate change has contributed to a worldwide communion-wafer shortage,” says team chaplain Fr. Seamus O’Leary. “Given these circumstances, we didn’t think it was responsible for us to continue to use the body of Christ in a recreational fashion. Once global warming is under control, we’ll revisit the issue.”
— Students at the Tufts School of Veterinary Medicine can no longer compete in speed taxidermy. “I’m heartbroken,” says the school’s dean. “At the NCAA’s Gut-and-Stuff finals in Des Moines last year, we came in second to Cornell. We were poised to win it all this year, with five returning seniors on the team. But a lawsuit brought by a Boston family that claimed we had abducted their three Labradoodles for training purposes did us in. By the time the legal dust settled, we couldn’t even cover the cost of jerseys for our athletes.”
— The University of Connecticut’s deer-tick-removal team completed its final season in May. “This sport never got the attention it deserved,” claims the school’s resident park ranger, who also served as the team’s coach. “Picking ticks off of careless hikers who insist on wearing shorts in the forest is not an endeavor for the squeamish. Sometimes you have to hold up a flaming BIC lighter right next to these critters in order to make ’em move. Try doing that without leaving a nasty burn. It takes a steady hand.”
— The All-Naked-Outdoor-Hockey squad at Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota has ceased operations. According to a nurse at the school’s health center, “there was a serious frostbite incident affecting multiple participants at a home game in February. I can still hear those young men screaming. Let’s just leave it at that.”
UC-Davis equestrians, you’re not the only ones in pain.
