Month: August 2021

Let’s be honest.

We knew it was coming. 

Yesterday the NCAA announced that on July 15, 2022, it will grant all colleges and universities in the United States the right to trade varsity athletes from one school to another.

That’s right:  A running back who plays for Purdue in 2021 might end up starting for Syracuse in the 2022 season, due to his being exchanged for a defensive end and a placekicker from the latter institution.

NCAA Commissioner Mark Emmert beamed as he briefed reporters:  “With this action, college sports finally enters the 21st century.  The facade of amateurism that we have been winking at for decades can finally be toppled, so we can get down to the real business of higher education: serving as an efficient delivery mechanism for March Madness and postseason football — except in the Ivy League, of course, where they’re preoccupied with restocking the ruling class.  More power to ’em, by the way.  Damn, I’m happier than a horny cocker spaniel that just tumbled into a prairie-dog brothel on the shoulder of a lonely Montana highway on a cold winter’s night!”

Trades will only be permitted during the Drop/Add period at the beginning of each semester, when students are traditionally able to switch courses.  (“We’re working hard to honor long-standing scheduling policies at colleges across the country.”)

In addition, a school can only trade an athlete to a college or university that offers the same major that the student had at the institution where he or she initially enrolled.  (“Not a problem,” promises Emmert.  “Nearly 92% of all varsity athletes major in E-Sports, General Studies, or Branding.”)

On the other hand, schools will be allowed to engage in “cross-trading,” a major NCAA innovation in the sports world.  For example, a football player from one college might be traded for a basketball player from another school.  

“We’re so dang proud to have come up with this,” says the Commissioner. “Let’s say your starting quarterback has just been sidelined for the season by a nasty case of gonorrhea, while the All-American point guard on the women’s basketball team at another school has severely fractured her shooting wrist fending off the amorous advances of the team chaplain.  You could exchange a point guard from your school for the starting quarterback at theirs.  A win-win.  Is that cool or what?”

Yes, it certainly is.  It’s very, VERY cool.  

 

 

TRUE FACT #1:  On August 6th, Louisiana State University’s beloved tiger mascot, Mike VII, received his second COVID-19 vaccination (LSU Media Center, August 9th).

TRUE FACT #2:  As of August 9th, only 36% of LSU students had been vaccinated.  The school has not taken the step of requiring its students to get vaccinated against COVID-19 (Chronicle of Higher Education, August 12th online).  

According to LSU officials, Mike VII was not given the option of declining the vaccine.  

Hmm…..

“This was an executive decision,” claims a high-level LSU administrator who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Let’s face it, the cost of replacing a full-grown Bengal-Siberian tiger that’s been felled by COVID can approach $20,000, not including transportation fees.  And the last thing our university needs on social media right now is pirated photos showing Mike VII stretched out on a gurney with a ventilator mask covering his snout.  The optics are horrific.

“On the other hand, we have a long waiting list of community college students who would be happy to sacrifice a limb to transfer to LSU.  So, even if a few of our current unvaccinated students have to drop out for a semester to recover from COVID, we can replace them in less time than it takes for a freshman from New Iberia to guzzle a gallon of Planter’s Punch at a fraternity party on homecoming weekend.

“Do the math, and tell me if I’m wrong.”

University Life did the math.

He’s right. 

 

According to a recent article in EdScoop, “some California higher education institutions plan to shift away from textbooks toward open educational resources in the coming years” (August 9th online). 

Idaho is going one step further.

Beginning in Fall 2023, all courses offered in Idaho’s public colleges and universities will be content-free.  

As State Board of Education Executive Director Matt Freeman put it, “going content-free will address two major problems plaguing higher education in the 21st century.  The first challenge is the difficulty of course content.  Have you ever seen the material that is covered in an Organic Chemistry class?  That stuff is hard, man, especially for students raised in a state where science only appears on high school worksheets as an extracurricular activity.

“The second problem is bias.  Now that both post-modernists AND the far right agree that the concept of objective knowledge is a non-starter, the whole notion of ‘course content’ has become moot.”  

When Freeman was asked by reporters to describe what would replace course content in Idaho colleges and universities in 2023, he indicated that state institutions would rely heavily on cat videos that are inclusive of all breeds, as well as Tweets from LeBron James and Ben Affleck.  Advanced courses would consist of TikTok dance routines featuring expressionless teenagers channeling Billie Eilish, Megan Thee Stallion, and Tom Brady.  

 

TRUE FACT:  Beginning in Fall 2022, Minnesota teens who have spent time in foster care will have their college costs covered by a new state grant program (Star Tribune, July 31st online).

Sounds like a terrific idea.

In theory.

Unfortunately, many middle- and working-class parents in the North Star State have responded to this initiative by abandoning their biological children.

Minnesota State Police report that the number of teenagers left at rest areas on Interstates 94 and 35 has increased 50-fold.  According to one state trooper, “we used to see about 2 or 3 abandoned kids per week on our Interstate highways.  Now, the number is close to 150.  Unbelievable!

“What generally happens is that the family is out driving somewhere when Junior says he has to go to the bathroom.  The parents stop at a rest area and let him out.  As soon as he enters the facility, the parents take off.  They hightail it home, pack up all their stuff, and move out of state with no forwarding address.  How cruel is that?”

For their part, the majority of these parents claim that no one ever told them how expensive it would be to raise children.

“On any given day, my 14-year-old son Chester would eat his body weight in Cheetos,” complains a single mom from Duluth who immobilized her Orange Boy with a tranquilizing dart and then deposited him on a bench in a local dog park before departing for Las Vegas with her boyfriend. “I’m entitled to a life too, you know.”

The Minnesota State Legislature will meet in emergency session in mid-August to address the perverse incentives embedded in the grant program.  Says Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazalka: “I thought Minnesotans were better than this.”

We all did, Senator.  We all did.

First Garrison Keillor, and now this.