Alas. Northpoint Bible College in Haverhill, Massachusetts has lost its accreditation, resulting in the termination of its undergraduate and graduate degree programs (Chronicle of Higher Education Daily Briefing, June 18th online).
In rendering its decision on Northpoint, the New England Commission of Higher Education (NECHE) stated that an examination of the school’s curriculum revealed “myriad instances of egregious theological malfeasance.” Noteworthy offenses include the following:
— Claiming that Almighty God never intended for white people to sing gospel music during liturgical services, and that under no circumstances should they perform folk songs in church
— Declaring that the Holy Trinity — composed of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost — has evolved into a Divine Pentangle incorporating “Stefan” (Spirit of Off-Broadway plays) and “Nadine” (Coordinator of Relics Acquisition)
— Asserting that Hell closed in 2012 due to overcrowding, with Bayonne (New Jersey), Biloxi (Mississippi), and International Falls (Minnesota) now serving as Supplemental Eternal Damnation Centers (SEDCs)
— Stating, without evidence, that Mary, the mother of Christ, was neither a virgin nor a non-virgin but simply “a very special lady”
— Characterizing the confession of one’s sins as “dental floss for the soul”
— Using forged papyrus receipts to “prove” that the Magi presented Baby Jesus with gift cards on the night of His birth
— Insisting that Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet ran the snack bar on Noah’s Ark
— Offering the 10 Commandments as electives, rather than as part of the Core Curriculum
— Authorizing the use of solar-powered Bibles
— Maintaining that non-Christians can go to Heaven, but only if they take “the long way around,” entering through the West Annex
Tiff Shuttlesworth, Northpoint’s President, accepted NECHE’s decision “with regret,” indicating that “I will believe to my dying day that Kate and Leonardo were on that damn Ark!”