Month: December 2024

“As we embark upon the Holiday Season, it’s an honor to write to you in my capacity as President of Ticonderoga Southern University, highlighting the major events of the past 12 months on our beautiful campus.  Let’s get started, shall we?”

January:  “We bid a fond farewell to the English Department and its faculty.  With the elimination of all writing assignments at TSU in the fall of 2023 due to ChatGPT, there was simply no need to keep these folks around.  Laughter and tears filled the room at the goodbye luncheon held at Applebee’s in the Pioneer Mall at the end of the month.”

February:  “As a result of NIL payments, TSU became the first university in the country where every student-athlete on the football team made more money than our highest-paid tenured professor.  Kudos to our Development Office!”

March:  “A student riot erupted on campus when Health Services ran out of green condoms on St. Patrick’s Day.  Order was restored quickly by a National Guard SWAT team.  Four students suffered minor injuries.”

April:  “The Faculty Senate responded to complaints about grade inflation by establishing the grade of A++ (A Plus Plus), reserved for work judged to be ‘truly extraordinary’.  The Senate stipulated that no more than 40% of the students in any given course could be awarded a final grade of A++.  At TSU, we’re all about standards.”

May:  “A 10-day hunger strike by professors ended when the campus food service agreed to restore vegan turnip smoothies to the luncheon menu in the faculty dining room.  During the strike, an Assistant Professor of Sociology protested by taking a knee on the campus quadrangle and impaling herself on a frozen Slim Jim.  A tree has been planted on that spot by the Dietetics Department to memorialize her sacrifice.” 

June:  “In recognition of the official closing of the DEI office, the University celebrated the return of Microaggression Day, when you can say anything to anybody.”

July:  “TSU announced that, in fall 2024, 100% of its football team would be composed of players who arrived via the transport portal.  It turned out that a few of those players were college students.”

August:  “The school’s first indoor pickleball court was opened in the office space previously occupied by the English Department.  Terminated members of the Department play for free.”

September:  “The University held its first-ever Whiter-than-White Weekend, recognizing the achievements of pale people over the centuries.  The Ozzie and Harriet Award for Distinguished Service was presented to the Drama Club, which….”

October:  “….staged an all-Irish version of Porgy and Bess on Columbus Day, starring sophomore Erin O’Malley as Bess.”

November:  “Another riot, this time at a faculty symposium sponsored by the Divinity School and moderated by the Director of Athletics.  The topic: ‘Baby Jesus: Son of God?  Simply a Good Kid?  Or Talented Water-into-Wine Magician?’  50 violent demonstrators were arrested, including my wife.”  

December:  “Nine months after the March Condom Riot, 34 TSU co-eds gave birth in a makeshift maternity ward on the school’s pickleball court.  Deliveries were facilitated by student interns from the Dental Hygiene program, who checked the newborns for cavities.”

“On behalf of everyone in the TSU administration, I’d like to wish you a restful and revitalizing semester break.  If you think you might be related to any of the pickleball babies, please pick them up before heading out for the holidays.  We’re turning off the heat in that building from December 24th to January 2nd.”

Sincerely,

Grayson Taymor-Pindage

President

 

When college professors slumber, they dream of many things.  But what do they most frequently dream about?  Researchers at Stanford University recently published the results of a survey of over 3,000 faculty members at public and private four-year institutions across the United States.  Here are the Top Ten Dreams respondents recorded in their dream diaries:

“I show up at class on Naked Tuesday, and the students inform me that there is no such thing as Naked Tuesday.  They stare at me, not in a good way.”

“At commencement, I’m responsible for announcing the names of all the graduates.  Most of the students are from Eastern Europe, and not a single vowel appears in their names.  I severely pull a muscle in my tongue while pronouncing these names, and the swelling threatens to choke me to death.  I ask a colleague to take over for me, and he refuses.”

“At his confirmation hearing, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tells a Congressional committee that I was his favorite public health professor in college.”

“I am appointed Director of DEI Initiatives at Stigmata Christian Bible College in Thibodaux, Louisiana.  On my first day, the school’s chaplain sets my car on fire.”  

“I smuggle a small, portable electric heater into my office during the frigid January break.  When I turn it on, three missiles carrying nuclear warheads are launched from the parking lot adjacent to the building.  All three streak toward the Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris.” 

“At the beginning of the semester, a student walks up to me at the end of class and claims to be ‘non-tertiary’.  I tell the student that I’m sorry, but I don’t know what ‘non-tertiary’ means.  A very small lawyer emerges from the student’s backpack and serves me with a subpoena.”

“I enter a 300-seat lecture hall to teach my course on Minor British Poets of the 18th Century, and every seat is occupied by a member of the Kardashian family.  During class, the rear ends of all the female Kardashians begin to expand, until a buttock explodes.  People die.”

“I’m representing the Administration at contract negotiations with the faculty union.  At a bargaining session the union demands that the faculty teaching load be reduced to zero courses per semester.  When I ask why, the response is that ‘we suck at teaching’.  I agree to the demand because the logic is impeccable.”

“When I click on the first PowerPoint slide at the beginning of my lecture on the flora and fauna of the Amazon River Basin, the screen shows graphic images of my aunts and uncles participating in an incestuous orgy.  Every time I depress the clicker in a panicked attempt to exit the display, the images just get larger and more detailed, covering the entire wall.  When I smash the PC with a hammer, the revolting pictures remain, only now they are accompanied by the moans of my writhing relatives.”

“I’m standing in the Provost’s office as she gazes sternly at me from behind her desk and asks, ‘What’s this I hear about Naked Tuesdays?’

 

For those who like their cultural clashes wrapped in spandex, it’s hard to beat the current controversy surrounding the participation of transgender females in women’s collegiate volleyball.  A number of schools forfeited games to San José State University this season because the San José team included a trans woman.  Charges of “unfair physical advantage” abounded, which is understandable, since we all know that every genetic male is only a single cousin removed from Jason Momoa.  

Well, the NCAA has just weighed in on the matter, and for once it seems to have struck the right balance in terms of fairness.  On December 1st, the organization announced that transgender females will be allowed to play on women’s volleyball teams in 2025 as long as they abide by the following rules:

— They can only serve or spike the ball with their non-dominant hand.  Ambidextrous trans competitors must use their foreheads.

— They must play with their back to the net.

— No jumping; one trans foot must be in contact with the floor at all times.

— Oversized oven mitts must be worn by trans athletes on both hands and secured to their wrists with duct tape.  

— No drinking of water or other liquids by trans team members during time outs.

— If a trans competitor strikes the ball and it lands out of bounds, she must run penalty laps around the perimeter of the court for 10 minutes while play continues.

— If a teammate of a trans competitor strikes the ball and it lands out of bounds, the trans competitor must run penalty laps around the perimeter of the court for 5 minutes while play continues. 

— 15 minutes before every game, trans competitors must consume a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast (two buttermilk pancakes served with eggs, bacon strips and sausage links) at their own expense.  

According to NCAA President Charlie Baker, “we are confident that these measures will ensure a level playing field for all of our student athletes in NCAA women’s volleyball games next year.  Have fun, girls, and may the best self-identified women’s team win!”