Month: March 2026

BREAKING NEWS:  The Trump Administration is suing Harvard University “for every single thing it has done throughout its history,” according to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon.  

McMahon claims that “the elitist, lunatic-left pestilence that is Harvard must be eliminated once and for all, and the best way to do that, short of nuking the place, is to sue their asses from here to Hoboken.”

Among the offenses Harvard is being accused of are the following Top Ten:

1. Residing in Massachusetts, “a state ruled by witches and other Brides of Satan.”
2. Providing vegetarian options at every meal in its dining halls but never offering fried panda.
3. Refusing to accept applicants whose parents took them to Monster Truck shows when they were young.   
4. Prohibiting cheerleaders from Hooters from performing at its intercollegiate squash tournaments. 
5. Sponsoring squash tournaments filled with undergraduate dweebs rather than funding a mechanical-bull-riding team composed of NIL-worthy athletes. 
6. Nicknaming itself the Harvard Crimson when every red-blooded American knows that the “Crimson” label is legally owned by the University of Alabama’s Crimson Tide.
7. Never hosting a Three Tenors concert featuring Merle Haggard, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Travis Tritt. 
8. Declining the President’s invitation to call itself “Trump Harvard University.”
9. Providing ATMs on campus but not offering slot machines, casinos, or paid escort services. 
10. Failing to award Melania Trump an honorary doctorate in Face Science. 

“Inform Harvard that the end is near,” McMahon told reporters.  “We all look forward to the day it wakes up face down in the Charles River.”

 

The Midland College Board of Trustees recently voted to allow two companies to drill for oil on its Midland, Texas campus.  The drilling is expected to generate approximately $20 million in revenue for the college over the next 25 years (Midland Reporter-Telegram, March 2nd online). 

But what about universities that aren’t sitting atop a big ol’ bucket of crude?  Not to worry.  Consider the actions taken by creative administrators at these three well-known institutions of higher education. 

New York University:  The school has given Squeak Supply, Inc. — a New Jersey-based company that furnishes research institutes with rodents for laboratory experiments — permission to capture as many as 7,500 rats per month on its main campus in Greenwich Village.  

According to NYU President Linda Mills, “this is New York City we’re talking about.  We have many, many more rats in our buildings than we have students.  Our motto is, ‘never sit down without checking first’.  Squeak Supply is paying us $3.50 for every rat it retrieves.  It’s a win-win if I ever saw one.”

Yale Law School:  Empirical studies indicate that Yale Law professors have egos that are roughly three to five times the size of the average law school faculty member, including those at Harvard.  Twice a year, medical technicians at Yale New Haven Hospital perform minimally invasive surgery on these professors to drain the excess egonic fluid from their brains. 

“It’s a 15-minute, single-puncture procedure requiring only a local anesthetic,” claims Cristina Rodriguez, Dean of the Law School.  “We sell the extracted fluid to companies that manufacture multi-vitamins for individuals suffering from low self-esteem.  The university makes money, and we end up with faculty members who are much less of a pain in the ass to deal with.”  

Oral Roberts University:  Religious assemblies at the Tulsa, Oklahoma school typically generate enormous amounts of perspiration, as attendees become frenzied, writhing witnesses in the presence of the Almighty.  At the end of each service, worshippers wipe their faces with hand towels that are later cut into squares, laminated, and sold as “wet relics” at evangelical conferences around the country.  

Profits from these expensive collectibles are being used to fund construction of a Tramway to Heaven that will ascend from the school’s North Campus directly to the firmament (completion expected in time for the beginning of President Trump’s third term).   

College presidents, it’s time to stop sitting on your assets.  Get busy.