Month: August 2020

At New York University in Manhattan, many of the 2700 students who arrived on campus last week remain quarantined in their residence halls, pending results of their COVID-19 tests.  According to a Chronicle of Higher Education article, “quarantined students are only allowed to leave their rooms for medical reasons” (August 26, online).  

Before you start feeling sorry for these young people, consider the saga of Gabe Snafflin, a freshman who entered the College of the Ozarks (Point Lookout, Missouri) in the fall of 1964.  

Due to a housing shortage on campus, Gabe was temporarily assigned to a windowless, single-occupancy fallout shelter in a dormitory sub-basement.  In early October of that year, a chlamydia outbreak occurred at the school, and students were required to stay in their rooms until College officials notified them that it was safe to leave.   

Unfortunately, the residential life staff forgot that Gabe was living in the shelter.  As a result, they failed to inform him when the quarantine ended in mid-November. 

Long story short:  Gabe did not exit the shelter until June, 1984, when the building was about to be razed to make way for a new, upscale residence hall (Lookout Towers), and he was discovered by a member of the demolition crew who was positioning dynamite in the sub-basement.  Given that the shelter had been well-stocked with food and water, Gabe was in good health — but exceedingly pale.  (“He kinda looked like an over-sized albino mole rat,” according to the crew member.)

Exceedingly sheepish, Gabe later claimed that he had no idea that so much time had passed while he was quarantined:  “Without a window, it was hard to keep track of the days and nights.  I just figured that the chlamydia epidemic was lasting a lot longer than they initially thought it would.  Those photos they had showed us of what chlamydia does to your private parts were pretty scary, and I didn’t want to take any chances by leaving too soon.  I was all about keeping those parts in tip-top shape for that special someone who would become my wife.  

“I spent most of those 20 years reading and re-reading my Bible, along with the instruction manual for the shelter’s dehumidifier.  Believe me,  by the time I got out of that place I knew my way around a dehumidifier!”

Gabe’s parents were relieved that he had been found.  According to his dad, “we never doubted that our son would turn up some day.  We had no idea that he was living in a fallout shelter.  You know, he’s been an odd kid from the very beginning.  Bernice, tell the reporter about Gabe’s sock farm.”

Less than three months after departing the fallout shelter, at the age of 38, Gabe met and married Ginger, a local exotic dancer, and moved to the Australian outback, where he secured employment as a kangaroo pouch cleaner and dehumidifier repairman.  Now 74 years old and retired, he has no regrets about his college misadventure:  “Gosh, if I had come out of that shelter when I was supposed to, I probably never would have met Ginger.  She’s a good woman.  By the way, I’ve never had chlamydia.”

Note to NYU students:  Suck it up. 

 

Yep, it’s true:  for the first time since 1984, the Democratic Presidential ticket does not include a graduate of an Ivy League school. 

And the Vines are not pleased.  

At a press conference in Boston yesterday, all 8 Ivy League Presidents appeared in person to express their dismay.  Harvard President Lawrence Bacow claimed that the absence of Ivy League heritage in the Democratic candidates’ résumés was “outrageous.”  He continued:  “Couldn’t Mr. Biden or Ms. Harris have, at a minimum, picked up a master’s degree from our Kennedy School of Government at some point in their career?  I mean, we give those credentials away like lollipops at a county fair.  You can do the whole program in 3 weekends.”

The proceedings grew tense, however, when Yale President Peter Salovey said he would offer Biden an associate’s degree in psychology if he wrote a 10-page research paper (topic: invasions of personal space) that contained at least 3 references from scholarly journals.  “You wouldn’t even have to format the citations,” Salovey promised.  “We’ll have a graduate assistant do that for you.”

This proposal drew a sharp rebuke from Amy Gutmann, Penn’s President:  “We do ourselves no favors if we lower standards just to have our institution affiliated with the next President or Vice President.”  

Princeton’s Christopher Eisgruber immediately took Gutmann to task, telling her to “put a sock in it, Amy.  Have you forgotten that Penn gave Trump a bachelor’s degree back in 1968?  You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.”  

Her voice rising, an irritated Gutmann responded, “that fiasco did not occur on my watch, Eisgoober.  Take back what you said!”

Eisgruber:  “Will not!”

Guttman:  “Will so, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Whoa, there, boys and girls, let’s settle down.”  Dartmouth’s Philip Hanlon was trying to lower the temperature of the exchange.

“Are you really calling the President of the University of Pennsylvania a GIRL?” exclaimed Cornell’s Martha Pollack.  “You’re not even the President of a full-fledged university, you twit.  It’s Dartmouth College, remember?  Phil, you’ve always driven in the breakdown lane on the Highway of Big Ideas.  Why don’t you just buzz off and go back to carving phallic-shaped ice sculptures for next February’s Winter Carnival?”

Hanlon glared at Pollack and took an aggressive step toward her, hissing “Why, you little b……”

“Don’t go there,” Brown’s Christine Paxson exclaimed, as she jumped on Hanlon’s shoulders from behind and put him in a headlock, her right knee braced against his spine.  “I dated a Navy SEAL in college, and can snap your neck like a twig.”

Columbia’s Lee Bollinger suddenly gasped “Oh, my” and fainted, collapsing like a Jenga tower of COVID-19 nasal swabs swatted by a toddler’s hand.   

Bacow:  “We’re done here.”

NOTE:  Registration for the Fall semester at the Kennedy School closes on August 31st.  

 

 

 

To no one’s surprise, the recent decision by the Big Ten Conference to cancel its fall 2020 football season has been harshly criticized by many of the players affected.  The passionate, colorful reaction of Benwood “Big Ben” Thistle, a defensive tackle at Ohio State, reflects the deep hurt felt by these young men: “This is bulls**t, man!  Total bulls**t!  What am I supposed to do all fall — TAKE CLASSES?  No way that’s happenin’.  They can take away my scholarship if they want to, I don’t care, just as long as they shove all that money up the Big Ten Commissioner’s butthole.  F**k this s**t!!!”

Even worse, some players believe they have been misled.  When running back Craig Saffron was being recruited to play at the University of Nebraska, “nobody said a damn thing to me about going to college.  They never even used the word ‘college’.  Not once.  All they said was that the Big Ten was a semi-pro league that sent its best players to the NFL.  I swear to God, all they told me was that I would be signing a contract to play for the Nebraska Cornhuskers for at least two years.”

Davon Twinney, a sophomore who grew up in Tallahassee, Florida and plays free safety for the University of Minnesota, was livid.  “I never would have come to this lame-ass piece of permafrost tundra in the Arctic Circle if I had known they were going to yank the season right out from under me.   My whole body was nothing but chapped, raw skin all last winter.  My mom had to send me a giant bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion every two weeks.  People’s idea of a good time here is carving a hole in the ice of a frozen lake and going fishing.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Don’t these dipwads know that grocery stores have seafood counters?”

Of course, not all players are upset that the fall season has been scratched.  Rutgers tight end Tyler Hone, a junior, notes that “our team was 2-10 in 2019 and 1-11 in 2018.  We suck.  We profoundly suck.  When Michigan crushed us 52-0 last year, their players didn’t even wears pads or helmets during the game — just street clothes.  They didn’t tackle us, they simply punched us in the face until we fell down.  It was humiliating.  I won’t miss playing this fall.”

Ditto from from Jason Bontine, a fourth-string, walk-on punter at Penn State:  “I’m a senior, and I’ve never been in a game, never had to have my uniform washed.  The only reason I’m on the team is that I’m the most reliable supplier of high-quality recreational weed at discount prices in central Pennsylvania.  The coach says that I’m the MVP of the Nittany Lions.  I’m proud of that accomplishment, but it’s time for me to move on and grow my business this fall.  Writing about the expansion will be the capstone project for my bachelor’s degree in Finance.  I’m excited to start!”

Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren says the decision to cancel the fall season was a tough one, but that it comes with an upside:  “We’re going to offer a 3-credit online course to all of our student-athletes in the coming term, in which we explore, from a post-modernist perspective, the reasons why a conference called the ‘Big Ten’ actually has 14 schools in it.  Our fall season may be over, but student learning is just beginning.”

For once, big-time college athletics is taking the high road. 

Although Harvard is going online this fall for all of its courses (true fact), it’s doing so in a style that befits a university whose smartphone contact list has both The Almighty and Queen Latifah on speed-dial.  

To ease the pain inflicted by an online, Zoom-based curriculum, Harvard is providing every one of its students with a deluxe Peloton exercise bike that can be pedaled in front of a computer screen that streams class sessions. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “Peloton is the Maserati of the fitness-cycling world.  Each student will receive, at no cost to him or her, a Peloton Mark IV, not the standard-issue Peloton purchased by the proletariat.  The Mark IV retails at $7495 and features handlebar streamers, custom detailing that includes the Harvard insignia, and TWO built-in Pez dispensers.  The Mark IV will remain the student’s property after the semester is over.  

“The Harvard Peloton Initiative (HPI) will enable our students to enhance their physical fitness while they are participating in class sessions.  Given the high-profile roles that our graduates play in world affairs, it’s crucial that they look ready for their responsibilities, and not resemble the current Tub-in-Chief occupying the White House.

“Our school motto may be ‘Veritas’, but the ultimate truth we seek is the Platonic ideal of a washboard abdomen.  Here, feel my stomach.  Go ahead, punch it.  Punch it hard.  Larry Bacow is a Mark IV man!”

It seems like every time Yale gets close, Harvard pulls away.