Burn and Learn…..

Although Harvard is going online this fall for all of its courses (true fact), it’s doing so in a style that befits a university whose smartphone contact list has both The Almighty and Queen Latifah on speed-dial.  

To ease the pain inflicted by an online, Zoom-based curriculum, Harvard is providing every one of its students with a deluxe Peloton exercise bike that can be pedaled in front of a computer screen that streams class sessions. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “Peloton is the Maserati of the fitness-cycling world.  Each student will receive, at no cost to him or her, a Peloton Mark IV, not the standard-issue Peloton purchased by the proletariat.  The Mark IV retails at $7495 and features handlebar streamers, custom detailing that includes the Harvard insignia, and TWO built-in Pez dispensers.  The Mark IV will remain the student’s property after the semester is over.  

“The Harvard Peloton Initiative (HPI) will enable our students to enhance their physical fitness while they are participating in class sessions.  Given the high-profile roles that our graduates play in world affairs, it’s crucial that they look ready for their responsibilities, and not resemble the current Tub-in-Chief occupying the White House.

“Our school motto may be ‘Veritas’, but the ultimate truth we seek is the Platonic ideal of a washboard abdomen.  Here, feel my stomach.  Go ahead, punch it.  Punch it hard.  Larry Bacow is a Mark IV man!”

It seems like every time Yale gets close, Harvard pulls away.