Family Feud

Yep, it’s true:  for the first time since 1984, the Democratic Presidential ticket does not include a graduate of an Ivy League school. 

And the Vines are not pleased.  

At a press conference in Boston yesterday, all 8 Ivy League Presidents appeared in person to express their dismay.  Harvard President Lawrence Bacow claimed that the absence of Ivy League heritage in the Democratic candidates’ résumés was “outrageous.”  He continued:  “Couldn’t Mr. Biden or Ms. Harris have, at a minimum, picked up a master’s degree from our Kennedy School of Government at some point in their career?  I mean, we give those credentials away like lollipops at a county fair.  You can do the whole program in 3 weekends.”

The proceedings grew tense, however, when Yale President Peter Salovey said he would offer Biden an associate’s degree in psychology if he wrote a 10-page research paper (topic: invasions of personal space) that contained at least 3 references from scholarly journals.  “You wouldn’t even have to format the citations,” Salovey promised.  “We’ll have a graduate assistant do that for you.”

This proposal drew a sharp rebuke from Amy Gutmann, Penn’s President:  “We do ourselves no favors if we lower standards just to have our institution affiliated with the next President or Vice President.”  

Princeton’s Christopher Eisgruber immediately took Gutmann to task, telling her to “put a sock in it, Amy.  Have you forgotten that Penn gave Trump a bachelor’s degree back in 1968?  You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.”  

Her voice rising, an irritated Gutmann responded, “that fiasco did not occur on my watch, Eisgoober.  Take back what you said!”

Eisgruber:  “Will not!”

Guttman:  “Will so, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Whoa, there, boys and girls, let’s settle down.”  Dartmouth’s Philip Hanlon was trying to lower the temperature of the exchange.

“Are you really calling the President of the University of Pennsylvania a GIRL?” exclaimed Cornell’s Martha Pollack.  “You’re not even the President of a full-fledged university, you twit.  It’s Dartmouth College, remember?  Phil, you’ve always driven in the breakdown lane on the Highway of Big Ideas.  Why don’t you just buzz off and go back to carving phallic-shaped ice sculptures for next February’s Winter Carnival?”

Hanlon glared at Pollack and took an aggressive step toward her, hissing “Why, you little b……”

Don’t go there,” Brown’s Christine Paxson exclaimed, as she jumped on Hanlon’s shoulders from behind and put him in a headlock, her right knee braced against his spine.  “I dated a Navy SEAL in college, and can snap your neck like a twig.”

Columbia’s Lee Bollinger suddenly gasped “Oh, my” and fainted, collapsing like a Jenga tower of COVID-19 nasal swabs swatted by a toddler’s hand.   

Bacow:  “We’re done here.”

NOTE:  Registration for the Fall semester at the Kennedy School closes on August 31st.