Month: March 2021

Michigan State University recently announced that Rocket Mortgage will become the “presenting sponsor” of its men’s basketball team.  Throughout MSU’s Breslin Student Events Center (where home games are played), the team will be known as the “MSU Spartans Presented by Rocket Mortgage” (MSU Athletics Website, updated March 12th).  

The funding bonanza for MSU resulting from this agreement has not been lost on Our Lady of the Sycamores College, a small Catholic women’s institution in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

On Wednesday the school revealed that it had entered into a relationship with divinity powerhouse Almighty God, in which the college’s lacrosse team, the Saplings, will become the “Sycamore Saplings Sponsored by the Virgin Mary.”

According to OLSC President Monica Xambor-O’Banyon, “the Virgin Mary is a huge fan of women’s lacrosse — she played as a teenager and felt empowered by the experience.  Her fortune exceeds that of Jeff Bezos’s ex-wife.  Mary spends very little money on herself, though she does collect 16th-century jade rosaries and uses an exotic Ecuadorian skin cream made from angels’ tears and vanilla yogurt.  I can promise you that our team’s locker room is going to get a serious upgrade next year.”

When asked if the terms of the Virgin’s sponsorship mandate chastity on the part of team members during the season, the President indicated that privacy laws prohibited her from commenting.  However, she did note — with a wink — that Michigan State’s agreement with Rocket Mortgage does not require its players to make a down payment on a house in order to remain with the team.  

Diversity/Equity Statement for Proposal TNK-412: Role of Peptide Ganglia in Digestive Processes of the Arctic Snow Worm

Submitted by:  Dr. Frederick Yarf

Institution:  University of Iowa (Department of Biology)

Date:  March 19, 2021

At first glance it might not appear that the proposed research project could shed significant light on critical issues of racial privilege and social justice currently facing our nation. 

Such a conclusion would be premature.

Please consider the following:

—  The arctic snow worm’s natural habitat is the region surrounding the North Pole.  This area is largely composed of snow and ice, both of which are almost entirely white.  Why is that?  The digestive system of the snow worm could hold the key to answering this question. 

—  Polar bears, whose diet consists of snow worms, are also white.  What’s up with that?  There seems to be an emerging pattern here.  Archaeological evidence suggests that, approximately 2,500 years ago, polar bears drove penguins and other birds of color out of the northernmost region of the Arctic Circle.  Was this “power play” a natural consequence of the massive size of the bears, or were the dynamics more complex?  Focus groups will be held with polar bears, snow worms, and penguins to explore this issue in depth. 

—  Finally, there is the long-standing mystery of what motivated the Beatles to record their legendary “White Album” in 1968.  Were snow worms involved?  What about polar bears?  The research team will interview Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, and George Harrison (JL and GH via Skype) concerning this matter. 

Thank you for considering my application.  

Respectfully submitted,

Frederick Yarf, Ph.D. 

 

 

On Tuesday a University of Texas committee, charged with researching the history of “The Eyes of Texas,” reported that the 1903 song had not been written with racist intent (Washington Post, March 9th online).  That’s good news for those who’d like to continue hearing this anthem at Longhorn sporting events.  

At Auburn University, however, the musical news is not nearly as heartening.  

A faculty task force there has concluded that the Alabama school’s fight song, “You Best Not Be Staring at That White Woman Over Yonder,” does have racial overtones. 

“It’s subtle, but a veiled racist warning can be discerned in the lyrics,” says Auburn History Professor Claymoor Poddle, chairperson of the task force.  The song was written in 1873 by Mervyn “Muskrat” Stook, who was serving as warden of Alabama’s Lee County Jail at the time.  

“Our recommendation to Auburn’s President is that ‘Over Yonder’ be phased out after the upcoming 2021 football season.  Abruptly deleting this beloved song could alienate the team’s fiercely devoted fan base in a hurtful fashion.  Nobody wants that — not in a year when the Tigers could win it all in the SEC!”  

The Erie Times-News reports that “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” often referred to as the “Black national anthem,” now follows the “Star-Spangled Banner” prior to every home athletic event at Gannon College (Feb. 7th online). 

At Syracuse University, it’s a bit more complicated.   

A proposal to adopt the “Gannon Approach” at Syracuse was met with opposition when agreement could not be reached on which song should be played first.  After a week of deliberation, the Syracuse administration decided to alternate the order of the anthems from one game to the next.

However, the night before this decision was to be announced, a rogue student choir, Jagged Edge, stormed the campus library and demanded that “America the Beautiful” be added to the roster of pregame songs. 

Syracuse President Kent Syverud immediately turned the matter over to the Faculty Senate for resolution.  On March 3rd the Senate offered its recommendation, which the President accepted:

Employing a trio of Yamaha S215V Speakers, all three songs should broadcast simultaneously at the  beginning of every sporting event at the University.   

“The overall sound will be awesome,” according to Syverud.  “Sure, it might be difficult to discern the precise lyrics of your preferred anthem amidst the cacophony, but our nation is a melting pot, right?  Well, at 200 decibels, you can bet we’re gonna melt this mutha DOWN!”

Syracuse Faculty Senate, take a bow.