Month: February 2019

If you thought all curriculum innovation in the Ivy League was birthed at Harvard, think again.  In a press conference on Monday, Princeton University President Christopher Eisgruber announced that in September 2019 the University would initiate its Princeton-Plus program for a select group of incoming students. 

What is Princeton-Plus?  According to President Eisgruber, it’s nothing short of an “educational revolution.”  Here’s the story, in his words:

“At Princeton we’ve been educating the ruling class for nearly three centuries, and doing an excellent job of it.  However, there is a problem.  We take pride in our high academic standards, but many children from elite families are, to put it bluntly, irredeemably stupid.  I’m talking rock-hard dumb — as solid and impenetrable as topaz.  These kids are way too dim to be accepted as legacy students; they would flunk out in the first semester.  Sure, we could let them go to Rutgers, but it would be unconscionable to forfeit all the endowment money that these students potentially represent.  Don’t forget, their parents are BEYOND loaded.

“With Princeton-Plus, the cognitively challenged offspring of the super-rich can get a Princeton degree without having to take a bunch of pesky classes.  In fact, they won’t be taking ANY classes.  Rather, they’ll spend four years doing the most important thing that Princeton students have always done: NETWORKING with other members of the privileged class.  In this case, they will be networking with individuals who are a lot brighter than they are. 

“Each year of Princeton-Plus will have a different focus.  Freshmen will explore the World of Finance (e.g., daily badminton and croquet matches with successful hedge-fund managers, venture capitalists, high-end defense contractors, and pharmaceutical CEOs).  Sophomore year will focus on Connecting with Old Money (Rockefellers, Vanderbilts, Carnegies, the House of Medici, etc.).  This will be followed by Junior Year Abroad (current locations include Windsor Castle, Versailles, the Vatican, and the Motel 6 in Dubai).  In their fourth year students will finalize the membership of their personal support network as a capstone project.  At the Spring Cotillion in May, each senior will be presented with a life partner whose high-quality eggs or sperm will ensure the intellectual enhancement of the next generation. 

“By the time students graduate from Princeton-Plus, they should be well-positioned to take their place alongside students who have received a traditional Princeton education. 

“Tuition for Princeton-Plus will be $3 million per year, which includes room, board, all networking opportunities, and one life partner.  This is a small price for parents to pay to achieve the goal of never having to worry about the future of their dimwitted progeny once the latter are sent off to college.  In many ways, we see this program as a public service.

“If Princeton-Plus is successful, we will begin offering the program to our cognitively gifted applicants in September 2025.  By 2050 we would like Princeton-Plus to be the curriculum followed by all of our students, thereby eliminating the need for faculty.  Doing this would significantly reduce our operating expenses, enabling us to invest more heavily in networking, which is our core competency.”

Harvard and Yale, are you listening? 

 

 

 

 

It was a simpler time.  When I began teaching in the mid-1970s, if a snowstorm hit, you just turned on the radio around 6:00 am to get the scoop.  Your school was either open, closed, or delayed for a few hours.  Of course, it was annoying if you tuned in right after the announcer had passed your institution on the alphabetized Rolodex.  In that case, you might have to listen to the DJ play “Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band for the umpteenth time, followed by yet another commercial for Preparation H, before the list was repeated.  Overall, though, the system worked reasonably well.

Welcome to 2019.  Now, before the first flake touches down, a university email blusters into your inbox with a message as complex and litigation-proof as the battle plan for Operation Desert Storm.  For example:

TO:  The University Community

FROM:  Campus Police

A wintry mix is expected in our area from 2:00 am to 5:30 am, accumulating less than 3 inches.  The University will be open tomorrow and classes will be held, but please note the following:

—  Students residing on campus who do not own appropriate footwear for icy conditions will not be required to attend class.  (See the Student Handbook for definitions of “appropriate footwear” and “icy conditions” approved by our legal counsel).  These students must provide proof to their instructor that they lack such footwear (e.g., a note from their shoe retailer or podiatrist). 

—  Commuting students who live within 10 miles of campus will be excused from class if their car has at least 2 bald tires — OR a total of only 3 tires, regardless of baldness.

—  Commuters who reside more than 10 miles away will not be required to attend class if they live at the top of a steep driveway (45-degree angle or greater) and don’t have sand or salt to apply to said driveway.

—  Tenured and tenure-track faculty members are encouraged to meet their assigned classes, but if they prefer not to, they may utilize the Adjunct Faculty Directory to select a substitute.  Adjunct instructors who decline a substitution request will forfeit their shared office space for one semester as well as access to dry-erase markers for the same period. 

—  Students who miss a test due to this weather event are entitled to take an oral make-up exam over the phone within a week of the event.  Administration of the exam is governed by the policy outlined in the preceding bullet.

— If weather conditions deteriorate while class is in session, the instructor may NOT slap students who nervously peer out the window for the duration of his or her lecture.  The instructor SHALL drive home any and all commuting students who are reluctant to operate their own vehicle.  The instructor’s mileage costs will be reimbursed by the University (obtain Travel Expense Form 471J, Version 5.2 from the Business Office).

In fairness, not all schools use the approach described above.  At the University of Northern Minnesota in Littlefork, here’s the email that students and faculty receive:

TO:  The Men and Women of UNM

FROM:  Campus Permafrost Patrol

We expect 3 more feet of snow this evening.  If you die overnight, feel free to skip class tomorrow.  Otherwise, you damn well better show up.

Sounds good to us.  All it lacks is a link to “Get Down Tonight.”

Of course, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened in the ferociously competitive, tooth-and-claw world of textbook publishing.  On February 1st, W. W. Norton and Company released, with great fanfare, the 8th edition of Psychology: The Science of You, only to discover that the 7th edition of this perennial best-seller was not due to be published until August 2019. 

How in the name of ISBN did this fiasco take place?

To find out, University Life sat down with Chad Kwarkel, Senior Psychology Editor at Norton.  His comments:

“Heh-heh, this is what you get when you have multiple production teams working with a single author and you take two weeks off to go on a sweat-lodge vacation in Tibet.  (Look at my pores, by the way.  Have you ever seen anything like it?  Here, wipe my forearm with this tissue.  Absolutely no oily residue, and I haven’t showered in a week.  You could run me through a full-body MRI scan and not find a single blackhead.  Amazing!)

“In any event, the two teams got out of sync when they failed to communicate with one another while I was gone.  Sure, it’s embarrassing, but it’s only a big deal if you’re a slave to linear thinking.  They’re only numbers, right?  Who’s to say that 7 should always precede 8?  That may be your truth, but it’s not necessarily mine!

“As long as you’re here, let me tell you how the 8th edition differs in important ways from the 6th edition, which came out in 2017.  First off, there’s the price.  The 8th edition retails for $189, while the 6th was $155.  And we’ve added a new Research Highlight box on page 224, examining the impact of sexual orientation on one’s preference for tomato-based vs. mustard-based BBQ sauce in pulled-pork sandwiches.  Spoiler alert: There is none!

“On page 431, in the chapter on group dynamics, we replaced a photo with 6 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table with a photo of 7 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table.  That way, we could include someone from Portugal in native dress.  We’re all about diversity at Norton.  And in the physiological chapter featuring the five senses, we’ve added a scratch-and-sniff panel that smells like wet dog fur. 

“The 8th edition no longer discusses the work of Freud or B. F. Skinner, because they’ve been dead since, like, forever.  Also, you’ll find that all key psychological terms are printed in BOLD CAPS and defined along the side margin of the page, as well as in the top and bottom margins of the same page.  So, a student now has three chances to learn what the word means, even if they skip the paragraph in the text in which the word appears.

“A Q-tip in a plastic pouch is attached inside the book’s back cover.  It can be used to take a saliva sample that the student can submit to Ancestry.com to obtain his or her psychological profile.  Ancestry.com is now one of our corporate partners. 

“Finally, the cover of the book is composed of textured rubber, which allows for easier gripping if you’re reading a chapter while eating buffalo wings — a suggestion offered by one of our student focus groups.

“Guys, this is just the beginning.  Wait until you see what we’re putting together for the 9th edition in 2020.”

Wow.  Bring on the blue cheese dip!

 

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article asked eight deans from around the country what they wished they had known about the job before taking it.  Not surprisingly, these high-level administrators stressed the importance of leadership training, budget management, communication skills, and the like. 

Immediately after the article appeared, rumors began to circulate in the higher education community that the Chronicle had not published three contributions due to their provocative nature.  After a bit of digging (and a $1500 expenditure from our Source Nurturance Fund), University Life succeeded in unearthing the suppressed commentaries.  Read on.  

Darson Wench, Dean of Old Testament Studies, Eczema Bible College, Murfreesboro, Tennessee:  “How does one deal with pure, undiluted EVIL?  I wish I had been better prepared to do battle with the influence of Satan in the everyday behavior of my colleagues.  I naively believed that the Devil’s toxin would not pervade a bible college, but I was wrong.  Lucifer has infected the bone marrow of this institution and poisoned all of those I interact with.  Whenever I meet with the President, Provost, or department chairs, the smell of sulfur is overwhelming and I am powerless to resist the demands of their crimson-eyed laser-stares.  If only I had read The Exorcist before coming here instead of that useless Dean’s Handbook my brother-in-law gave me.”

Maribeth Fraxson-Piff, Dean of Arts & Sciences, Bagatelle Veterinary College, Barton, Vermont:  “Making people believe that you care about them, even when you don’t, is really crucial for a dean.  Knowing how to fake sympathy and empathy is vital for survival.  For example, I’m constantly dealing with freshly minted, purple-haired English PhDs who whine about teaching five courses a semester and laboring in a service department that doesn’t provide financial support for professional development.  For the love of God, let’s break out the violins and start performing ‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ from Les Miserables!  You know you’re lucky to have a full-time job in this forsaken tundra of a state, right?  But can I say that to them?  Nooooo, of course not.  I must meet their gaze with an expression of heartfelt compassion and assure them that I will lobby the Provost to reduce their teaching load to 4.5 courses a term and score them an Arby’s gift card for the next annual meeting of the Modern Language Association.  

“If only once, just once, I could simply sit there and proclaim, ‘I.  DON’T.  CARE.’

“But hey, nobody forced me to take this job.”

Spencer Craisin, Dean of the Business School, University of Missouri at Green Ridge:  “When I became Dean, I had no idea what types of treats to put in the candy dish on my desk.  Jolly Ranchers?  Starbursts?  Kale chips?  Honey-roasted peanuts?  Gummi Bears?  Tic Tacs?  Pork rinds?  Hummus pebbles?   It would have been nice if somebody had offered me advice about this.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  You know, I didn’t major in Cultural Sensitivity at Wharton; I was a Finance guy.

“And how about giving new Deans a pocket dictionary that includes the latest in academic jargon?  I sat through an entire meeting with the Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion yesterday, where he talked at length about the impact of intersectionality on trans discourse.  I thought he was referring to new traffic patterns in the campus parking lot.  Well, that was embarrassing.”

There you have it.  As Kermit famously sang, it’s not easy being green……or dean.