Month: January 2019

Pardon my French, but WHY DO SO MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS NEED TO PEE DURING CLASS?

Here’s the thing:  I can’t recall a single instance during my undergraduate career (1967-1971) of a student leaving class to go to the bathroom.  Not once.  The class could be 50 minutes, 90 minutes, or even 2 hours long.  We just stayed in our seats, occasionally squirmed, and then bolted for the door when the professor declared, “We’re done here.”  Today it’s a given that at least several students will depart during class to use the facilities, unless those students are wearing a stadium buddy. 

In the name of all that is urinary, what the hell is going on?  Why can’t students in 2019 hold it in?  Here are five hypotheses for your consideration:

Hypothesis 1 — The human bladder is shrinking due to ambient radiation generated by secret genetic experiments, conducted by the U.S. government, that aim to produce chickens with 8 wings for the all-powerful poultry industry.  The research has been taking place over the past 50 years in underground bunkers in the southwest. 

Supporting Evidence — This is something that our government would absolutely do.

Evidence Against —  Students at the University of New Mexico do not appear to be urinating with greater frequency than those at the University of Connecticut. 

Hypothesis 2 — Students are watching pornography on their laptops during class, and one of the side effects of sexual arousal is the urge to pee.

Supporting Evidence — Students who use laptops in class are more likely to abruptly run out of the room yelling “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!”

Evidence Against — Given their age, most college students don’t need pornography in order to become throbbing paintballs of lust.  Nothing has changed on that score over the past five decades.

Hypothesis 3 — Students’ consumption of bottled water before and during class has increased their need to urinate. 

Supporting Evidence — Virtually no one hydrated in class in 1967.  Now students carry water bottles the size of Oktoberfest beer kegs with them to every destination, including bed.

Evidence Against — Even students who don’t bring bottled water to class are urinating more.

Hypothesis 4 — Classes are more boring than they used to be, making it easier to be distracted by the call of a full bladder.  (“Hey, I’m building up some pressure down here.  Let’s take a walk.”)

Supporting Evidence — Well, it’s true: most classes are boring.  People have died while watching PowerPoint presentations.  

Evidence Against — Classes were actually more boring 50 years ago. 

Hypothesis 5 — As our nation plunges ever deeper into a cultural abyss characterized by the disintegration of traditional social norms and an unrelenting focus on the immediate gratification of individual needs, students are more inclined to urinate whenever they damn well please.

Supporting Evidence — The next time you’re at the grocery store, try having an intelligent conversation about virtually any topic with the person standing next to you in the checkout line.  Pretty scary, isn’t it?

Evidence Against — Most people haven’t started relieving themselves in the street…….yet.

There’s a doctoral dissertation in all of this, waiting to be written.  If you’re a graduate student in sociology or anthropology, go talk to your advisor today…..and don’t forget your water bottle.

 

 

Like the common shrew, which must consume 200% to 300% of its body weight in food every 24 hours in order to survive, most U.S. colleges and universities have no choice but to relentlessly pursue new degree programs as they entice students in the increasingly competitive Darwinian dystopia that higher education has become.  Three schools are leading the way:

—  Arizona State University is poised to offer the nation’s first Ph.D. in Administration of Executive MBA Programs.  According to Dr. Talson Shad, ASU’s Vice President for Educational Ventures,  “it’s incredibly challenging to oversee a curriculum that awards academic credit to egocentric entrepreneurs and high-level managers for doing little more than telling each other war stories over a period of 18 months.  At the very least you need an occasional reading from the Wall Street Journal or Harvard Business Review that students can Kindle-browse while stopped at red lights en route to their once-a-month  Saturday class that includes 2 half-hour breaks, a 90-minute lunch, and 3 video presentations.  Making all of this look like a legitimate educational experience via a 3-page ‘reflection paper’ submitted by students as a smartphone text at the end of the semester is not a task for the faint of heart.  Of course, there’s also the job of converting EMBA graduates into generous donors to your institution, which is the whole point of having the program to begin with.  You’re certainly not going to get much cash from the folks graduating from your Executive MSW program.”

—  Southern Illinois University’s Ph.D. Program in Departmental Consolidation Coordination is scheduled to begin in September 2019.  SIU’s Provost, Melanie Swale-Gibbon, observes that “consolidating academic departments in times of financial austerity is no day at the beach.  Have you ever tried to explain the substantive logic behind merging Chemical Engineering and Romance Languages to the Faculty Senate?  What about Psychology and Soil Science?  Criminal Justice and English?  It’s a freakin’ nightmare!  The cross-training implications alone are enough to make you lose bladder control.  Our new doctoral program will give students all the tools they need to execute these administrative sleights-of-hand while maintaining a straight face.  The Physics and Political Science faculties at your school will end up begging university leaders to hold a unification ceremony in which the two department chairs, dressed in off-white, walk hand-in-hand down the aisle of the campus chapel while ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’ by the Carpenters plays in the background.”

—  Perhaps the most ambitious initiative is taking place at Dickinson College, which launched its Ph.D. Program in Myth Management last fall.  As Darrell Krisk, Dickinson’s Associate Director of Meaning-Making put it, “most schools today are faced with a nearly impossible task: shamelessly pandering to students’ self-interest while not appearing to shamelessly pander to students’ self-interest.  ‘Find Your Path at Yowsa University’ — ‘At Weeble College, You’re Not a Number’ — ‘Your Key to Success Awaits You at Dribble Tech: Claim it Now’.  Kind of makes you want to puke, doesn’t it?  Our doctoral program enables graduates to create sophisticated marketing myths that are comprehensive, coherent, and seamless.  You’ll develop inspiring institutional ultra-memes that course through your school’s circulatory system, enveloping students from their initial website visit to commencement.  For instance, at Dickinson we begin by telling students, ‘you’re so much more than a student here.  You’re part of a cosmic energy stream that erases the boundaries between flesh and spirit, empowering you to alter universal force fields using the job-related skills you develop on our campus.  Close your eyes, take a deep breath, extend your wings, and fall forward into the euphoric embrace of Dickinson College.  Let the rapture begin!’  Is it any wonder that our undergraduate enrollment has increased 312% in the past four years?”

Wow.  Step aside, generic doctoral programs in Educational Leadership for harried school superintendents.  There’s a new shrew in town.  

 

 

 

The forthcoming publication of a short story by Sylvia Plath that was discovered in the Indiana University rare book and manuscript library has scholars around the country scouring the stacks for more academic gold.  The highlights so far:

—  At Princeton, a post-doctoral researcher stumbled upon the undiluted egos of eight of the school’s English professors in a card-catalog cabinet in the library’s basement.  According to Library Archivist Gretchen Staley-Throb, “all of the egos were from tenured male professors in the 1940s.  The self-regard of these gentlemen had simply outgrown the ability of their campus offices to contain them.  Princeton’s librarians were authorized to use drainage tubes to siphon excess self-esteem from each professor’s prefrontal cortex.  Then they stored the fluid, which had the consistency of maple syrup, in colostomy bags in the card catalog.  Over the years, people simply forgot the bags were there.  We’re now in the process of contacting the families of the professors to see if they want these remains.  Some do, some don’t.”

—  At the University of Kentucky, a footlocker containing discarded academic standards was discovered in a tool shed next to the library.  When informed of the finding, Provost David Blackwell expressed relief: “I was wondering what the hell had happened to academic standards at our university.  We used to have them, and then they disappeared a few years ago.  Believe me, it’s no picnic handing out diplomas to graduates who think that Jonathan Swift is Taylor Swift’s grandfather.  Campus police are examining the footlocker for fingerprints.  We are going to find out who did this.  I bet you it was the damn Sociology Department!”

—  Finally, there is the case of Milton Friedman.  The legendary free-market economist and author of Capitalism and Freedom wrote a sequel to his 1962 opus that was never published.  It was found three days ago in a box of dry-cleaning receipts in the Friedman Collection at the University of Chicago library.  Entitled Uh-Oh, the 240-page manuscript describes Friedman’s discovery of how a series of computational errors by his graduate assistant led to a number of erroneous conclusions presented in his world-famous book.  He apologizes in Uh-Oh, writing that “in reality, capitalism is an organism that devours everything in its path in the name of all-encompassing greed, eventually turning on itself.  We are doomed.  And watch out for climate change, by the way.”

Uh-oh. 

 

 

After humiliating defeats in its two most recent high-profile bowl games — 42-14 to Alabama in 2013 (the National Championship game) and 30-3 to Clemson last Saturday — the University of Notre Dame has decided that it’s fed up with being clubbed in these contests like a baby seal during hunting season in the Canadian Arctic.  In a New Year’s Day press release, the University announced that it will be relaxing admissions standards in 2019 to enhance its ability to recruit blue-chip athletes. 

According to John Jenkins, the school’s president, “for far too long we’ve insisted that applicants be literate in order to be accepted by Notre Dame.  This policy has not only discriminated against those who cannot read, it has deprived our football team of talented players who could contribute to success on the gridiron.  Should we really regard reading proficiency as the sign of an educated person?  I don’t think so.  We should be looking into the courageous hearts of these boys, not their minds.  Heck, it’s already tough enough to attract young people to South Bend, Indiana, where the best restaurant in town is located in a bowling alley, and residents regard movies made in New York City as ‘foreign films’.  We need to build bridges that reach these young men where they are, rather than continue to put multi-syllabic obstacles in their path.”

Notre Dame also plans to loosen its strict regulation of performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) for athletes.  “Let’s face it,” Jenkins notes, “for decades we have encouraged our student body to routinely consume one of the most potent PEDs on the planet — consecrated communion wafers — so it seems a bit hypocritical to prohibit an occasional steroid boost for our football squad, especially when we consider the non-Catholic players who seldom attend Mass.”

Finally, students who are currently incarcerated will no longer be prevented from playing football.  “We’re working with the warden of the St. Joseph County Jail in downtown South Bend to convert one of its residential wings into a mini-dormitory for players who are awaiting trial or serving hard time.  These students will take all of their classes online and be escorted by corrections officials to and from games, both home and away.  The public will have nothing to fear, but opposing teams certainly will!

“For example, we just accepted Clarence ‘Spleen Eater’ Tunderly for next year’s entering class.  This young man is 345 pounds of uncontrolled rage who’s doing 7 to 16 years at Georgia State Prison in Reidsville for crimes that are best left undescribed.  He’ll major in Elizabethan Poetry, assuming he gets a handle on the reading thing.  Otherwise, he’ll be in General Studies with a concentration in Crushing.”

Alabama and Clemson, take a look in your rear view mirror.  Say hello to Clarence.