After humiliating defeats in its two most recent high-profile bowl games — 42-14 to Alabama in 2013 (the National Championship game) and 30-3 to Clemson last Saturday — the University of Notre Dame has decided that it’s fed up with being clubbed in these contests like a baby seal during hunting season in the Canadian Arctic. In a New Year’s Day press release, the University announced that it will be relaxing admissions standards in 2019 to enhance its ability to recruit blue-chip athletes.
According to John Jenkins, the school’s president, “for far too long we’ve insisted that applicants be literate in order to be accepted by Notre Dame. This policy has not only discriminated against those who cannot read, it has deprived our football team of talented players who could contribute to success on the gridiron. Should we really regard reading proficiency as the sign of an educated person? I don’t think so. We should be looking into the courageous hearts of these boys, not their minds. Heck, it’s already tough enough to attract young people to South Bend, Indiana, where the best restaurant in town is located in a bowling alley, and residents regard movies made in New York City as ‘foreign films’. We need to build bridges that reach these young men where they are, rather than continue to put multi-syllabic obstacles in their path.”
Notre Dame also plans to loosen its strict regulation of performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) for athletes. “Let’s face it,” Jenkins notes, “for decades we have encouraged our student body to routinely consume one of the most potent PEDs on the planet — consecrated communion wafers — so it seems a bit hypocritical to prohibit an occasional steroid boost for our football squad, especially when we consider the non-Catholic players who seldom attend Mass.”
Finally, students who are currently incarcerated will no longer be prevented from playing football. “We’re working with the warden of the St. Joseph County Jail in downtown South Bend to convert one of its residential wings into a mini-dormitory for players who are awaiting trial or serving hard time. These students will take all of their classes online and be escorted by corrections officials to and from games, both home and away. The public will have nothing to fear, but opposing teams certainly will!
“For example, we just accepted Clarence ‘Spleen Eater’ Tunderly for next year’s entering class. This young man is 345 pounds of uncontrolled rage who’s doing 7 to 16 years at Georgia State Prison in Reidsville for crimes that are best left undescribed. He’ll major in Elizabethan Poetry, assuming he gets a handle on the reading thing. Otherwise, he’ll be in General Studies with a concentration in Crushing.”
Alabama and Clemson, take a look in your rear view mirror. Say hello to Clarence.