Month: February 2022

True Fact:  In early February, 38 Harvard faculty members signed a letter criticizing the school’s misconduct-focused investigation of  John Comaroff, a professor of anthropology.  A week later, 34 of those signers wrote a second letter, retracting their support for the original letter.  They said that they had “failed to appreciate the impact” that their first letter would have (Harvard Crimson, February 10th online).  

This embarrassing episode proved to be just too much for Ina Howard-Hogan, First Justice of the Cambridge District Court in Massachusetts.  She has ordered Harvard to suspend all 34 retractors, “until such time that every one of them has taken either the SAT or ACT to demonstrate that they’re smart enough to remain at Harvard.”

According to Judge Howard-Hogan, “Harvard prides itself on being the pinnacle of the meritocracy.  Well, if you’re the smartest of the smart, how in the hell could you not anticipate the significant negative impact that your original letter would have?  Perhaps you’re all suffering from early-onset something or other, I don’t know.  But Harvard has a quality brand that it must protect, and you dunderheads have seriously threatened that brand.  Now you need to show that you still have the intellectual wherewithal to rock your ivy-draped La-Z-Boys in a bastion of unparalleled privilege.  For the love of God, you’re at Harvard, not the University of Phoenix or Dartmouth.”

As of February 24th, 31 of the 34 retractors indicated that they would comply with the judge’s order.  The remaining 3, claiming that they perform poorly on standardized tests, have requested permission to submit portfolios of their work that include non-rhyming poetry and supportive letters from neighbors.  

True Fact:  In Alabama, the university system’s Board of Trustees recently reversed its decision to rename a building on its Tuscaloosa campus as “Lucy-Graves Hall.”  Autherine Lucy was the first black student to enroll at the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa; Bibb Graves was a KKK leader and former governor of the state.  Graves’s name will be dropped.  (The Chronicle of Higher Education, Feb. 11th online)  

This is not the first instance of a school making an abrupt U-turn after committing itself to a mind-numbingly stupid naming decision.  Two of the most famous cases:

— In 1958, the Cornell School of Hotel Administration opened its Himmler-Frank Bed & Breakfast in Ithaca, NY.  A firestorm of controversy ensued, and the structure was torn down three months later.  

In the words of a current marketing professor at the institution, “Who in the hell knows what Cornell decision-makers were thinking in 1958 when they did this?  I can appreciate the Anne Frank branding.  After all, her name evokes the cozy living quarters she occupied in Amsterdam, and one of the B&B’s rooms is in the attic.  But Heinrich Himmler???  The man was a monster.  Were they trying to attract deranged males who would eventually commit suicide?  The optics are all wrong.  It just doesn’t make any sense.”

—  A bit more understandable, perhaps, is the University of Tennessee’s decision to erect the Satanic Christian Chapel on its main quadrangle in 1996. 

“They wanted a place on campus where Goths and Evangelicals could come together in fellowship and worship,” explains the current University chaplain.  “But it didn’t work out, to put it mildly.  Pitched battles would break out as soon as the Goths started beheading live geese at Sunday services.  During these melees the Goths would routinely beat the crap out of the Evangelicals.  They wielded bicycle chains, studded dog collars, and chain saws, while the most the Evangelicals could do was speak in tongues.  It was never a fair fight.  In 1998 the building was converted to a Chick-fil-A, and it’s now the most popular gathering place on campus.  Go figure.  Tasty chicken is what brings people together in harmony, not religion.”

 

“Does your college offer a quirky tour for prospective students?”  The Chronicle of Higher Education recently asked this question in its online Daily Briefing.  

At least 5 schools can answer the Chronicle with a resounding “YES.”  Behold:

Yale University:  Perhaps the quirkiest tour of them all.  Yale’s Beinecke Library is home to a copy of one the world’s rarest and most valuable books, the 1455 Gutenberg Bible.  

If your family’s net worth is at least $250 million, you and your child can participate in the little-known Gutenberg Scavenger Hunt.  Prior to the Hunt, Beinecke staff rip out 3 pages from the Bible and hide them throughout the Library.  You get to keep any pages you discover as you search the building on your own for up to an hour. 

According to Beinecke Director Michelle Light, “Mark Zuckerberg has already made a 2033 Hunt reservation for his daughter Maxima, who’s currently 6 years old.  Harvard, I’m so sorry.  Oops, did that sound insincere?”

Rutgers University:  The Reimbursement Trail Tour is a must for high school seniors who desire a career in customer service.  Visitors are given a request-for-reimbursement form filled out by a fictitious faculty member, then follow the route taken by the form until the request is finally approved (or denied). 

The tour includes visits to at least 15 University offices in 12 different buildings across the campus.  See what happens when a staff member mistakenly forwards the form to the wrong office, or forgets to sign it before transmission.  Please Note:  This tour cannot be completed in one day.  Set aside at least a week.  Prepare for intermittent rudeness and an attitude that screams, “this task is beneath me, even though it’s my job.”   

Texas A&M University:  The school’s enormously popular Guns N’ Roses Tour takes you to every location on campus where handguns and automatic weapons are legally stored in preparation for the nation’s coming race war.  “None of the firearms are loaded, so it’s OK for even young kids in the family to play with them,” boasts Texas A&M Police Chief Ned Thickett.  “At the end of the tour every mom is given a single rose as the student guide sings ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas’, which would be our state song if I had my way.”

Princeton University:  Princeton is the site of the only arboretum in the United States devoted to the cultivation of organic bow ties.  “We’re not a Southern school, but we like to think of ourselves as one,” notes arboretum director Cahill Van Arsdale.  “And what says ‘The South’ more vividly than a colorful bow tie worn with a crisp, white, short-sleeved shirt on a hot summer’s day?  Join us for an arboretum tour and a glass of ice-cold sweet tea!”

Bucknell University:  Every tour includes a quarter-mile stroll through Adjunct Alley.  This quiet wooded path on the outskirts of campus is lined with statues of deceased adjunct faculty members who, at various times, held the record for most consecutive number of incorrect payments received from the Business Office.  

“The Alley is a tribute to the dedication, perseverance, and desperate financial straits of folks who kept teaching part-time for us for so many years,” says Business Office Director Bex Tifton.  “I tear up whenever I walk down Adjunct Alley.  I really do.  The recorded chamber music coming from speakers hidden in the azaleas gets me every time.”

We’re sure it does, Bex.  We’re sure it does. 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently asked its readers, “Who are the unsung heroes on your campus….and what makes them special?” (Daily Briefing, January 31st online).  

Unfortunately, not all of these individuals can be publicly identified, due to the nature of their contributions.  Here are five such heroes, represented by their pseudonyms:

“Marlene” —  An assistant registrar at a university in the Southeastern Conference, Marlene has been changing grades on athletes’ transcripts for over 20 years.  “She’s a godsend,” says a coach at the school.  “Our football team would not have had a defensive line last year if it hadn’t been for Marlene.  What a sweet woman!  She can change a D+ to a B faster than you can say ‘transfer portal’.  At graduation she gets more hugs than anyone else at the University.” 

“Dwayne” —  A sergeant on the campus police force at a major urban university in the Northeast, Dwayne provides selected faculty members with counterfeit parking stickers that allow them to access lots that are reserved for high-level administrators.  “Sergeant Dwayne is the Robin Hood of campus police,” asserts one associate professor.  “Last week I parked right next to the Provost.  I can’t tell you how good that felt, especially when I swung open my car door and dented hers.”

“Nadine” —  A 66-year-old cafeteria worker at a Bible college in the Midwest, Nadine sprinkles a bit of powdered cocaine on breakfast waffles or pancakes whenever a student gives her the ‘special wink’.”  As one grateful sophomore put it, “Nadine is so much better than my real mom.”

“Gavin” —  For a minor service charge, Gavin — an IT Help Desk staffer — will program a faculty member’s school computer so that it can access adult pornography sites in an untraceable manner.  Gavin notes that “a lot of people claim that IT jobs are sterile and meaningless.  You have no idea how much happiness I’ve been able to provide professors at my school.  Many of them tell me that I give them a reason for living.”

“Sal” —  A 30-year veteran of the Building and Grounds Department, Sal knows where the bodies are buried at his school — literally.  He is revered across campus as the “go-to” guy whenever fraternity hazing involving large amounts of alcohol and fire hoses takes a tragic turn.  Says one fraternity president, “you can call Sal in a panic at 3:00 in the morning, and he’ll come right over with a shovel and a kind word.  He’s never judgmental.  By 5:00 am it’s ‘mission accomplished’.  Thank God for that man.”

These heroes may not be named, but they can be honored.