Month: June 2020

Not a joke:  When students return to Syracuse University for the Fall semester, the school will “routinely test sewage leaving each residence hall to spot signs of the [COVID-19] virus,” so that sources of potential outbreaks on campus can be pinpointed (syracuse.com, June 4th).  

Well, this should be fun.

The challenge, of course, is making sure that the poop exiting Dormitory A actually represents the poop of students who reside in Dormitory A, rather than the poop of visitors.  As one anonymous Syracuse administrator put it, “it doesn’t help us much to quarantine everybody in Dormitory A if all the germs came from an intoxicated lacrosse player from Le Moyne College who stopped by that dorm to throw up on his way to another destination on campus.  Or, for that matter, if the source is simply someone from Dormitory B who was visiting a boyfriend or girlfriend in Dormitory A.”

Anticipating this possibility, the Office of Residential Life at Syracuse will initiate a “Poop Where You Live” campaign in early August.  According to the administrator, “we want to encourage students to do #2 ONLY in their home residence hall, and nowhere else.  Flyers with inspirational messages will be posted around the campus reminding students that ‘The warmest toilet seat is in your own backyard’, ‘You can hold it till you get back, we know you can’, and ‘There’s no flush like your own flush’.”

Golf-cart shuttles operated by Uber drivers will be available 24 hours a day at every residence hall to speed students back to their home dorm in response to #2 emergencies.  Not surprisingly, these shuttles will be known as “Loose Cabooses.” 

Finally, taking a cue from polling locations that give “I voted today” stickers to citizens who cast their ballots on election day, Syracuse will distribute badges that proclaim “I’m fighting on the home front with my backside” to students who pledge to do their business in the building they live in.

Is that a 21-bun salute we hear in the distance?  Hats off, and boxers and panties down, in honor of Syracuse University!

 

True Fact:  On June 12th the trustees of  Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.

Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st.  In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:

“This is a no-brainer.  Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country.  And as far as we know, he never owned a slave.  Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about.  For example:

• Idi Amin Conference Center
• Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
• Heinrich Himmler Research Library
• Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
• Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
• D. W. Griffith Arts Center
• Marie Osmond Student Union

“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”

Reporter:  “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”

“Not at all.   Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:

• Martin Luther King
• Dr. Martin Luther King
• Reverend Martin Luther King
• Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
• Martin L. King
• M. Luther King
• M. L. King
• Marty King
• The K-Man

“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King.  Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.

“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’.  This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.

“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here.  Clemson, you can eat our dust.”

FALL RE-OPENING, 2020

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College

Tupper Lake, NY

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College is pleased to announce its plans for reopening the campus in the fall of 2020.  This plan reflects our steadfast commitment to ensuring the safety of all of our students.

August 16:  A squadron of F-22A Raptor aircraft will sterilize our vacated campus, carpet-bombing it with a variety of anti-viral disinfectants that will include, but not be limited to, DDT, Agent Orange, hydroxychloroquine, bleach, and Mountain Dew.   

August 17:  Sterilization processes continue.  All lawns will be replaced with hypoallergenic artificial turf; trees and shrubbery will be replaced with Brutalist-inspired stainless-steel sculpture created by student artists.  Rogue peanuts will be taken into custody.

August 18:  Project Re-Entry: A demographically and ideologically diverse group of volunteer adjunct faculty will move into the Sturfrei-Wesleyan residence halls for a period of one week.  Their health will be monitored daily to confirm that the campus is safe for students to return.  These faculty will receive hazard pay and full health insurance coverage for up to three months. 

August 25:  “Part-Time Faculty, Full-Time Heroes” – Memorial service for Project Re-Entry’s fallen adjuncts

August 26:  Orientation Day for First-Year Students

9:00 am  Welcoming Address from President Welker Navely 

                 You’re Not Going to Die Here, I Promise!

10:00 am  Health Services Workshop I

                   Social Distancing during Sexual Encounters: 10 Tips That Could Save Your Life

11:00 am  Health Services Workshop II

                   What to Do if Your Roommate Wants to Borrow Your Ventilator

Noon         Lunch with Faculty Advisors

(Hazmat suits will be provided.  If your faculty advisor has been let go over the summer, you will be given a new one.  If your major has been eliminated over the summer, you will be given a new one.) 

1:00 pm     One-Act Play – Plague: The Musical (by Albert Camus and Stephen  Sondheim)                    

(Presented by the Drama Department and Faculty from the Public Health Master’s Program)

2:30 pm    Concert Performance by the Strurfrei-Wesleyan Student Choir

                        “Feelin’ Alright?”

                        “Fever”

                        “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

                        “Amazing Grace” (guest soloist: Alicia Keys)

                        “Taps” (lyrics by Bob Dylan and Miley Cyrus)

3:30 pm   Announcement of Fall Athletic Events That Have Been Cancelled

                   (All of them)   

4:00 pm   Wine and Cheese Reception with Your Campus-Based Primary Care Physician and Paramedic Team                          

                  (A stamped receipt indicating that your Fall tuition has been fully paid will serve as your admission ticket.)                   

5:00 pm   Closing Remarks from President Navely

                  We’re So Glad You’re Not Sick!

August 27   Classes Begin                    

Academics:  Every meeting of every course will last one hour and consist of a 5-minute mini-lecture repeated 12 times by the instructor.  Students will be rotated through the classroom in groups of 6 and socially distanced by a campus police officer.   

Dining:  All meals will be shrink-wrapped and delivered to students in their dorm rooms by adjunct faculty.                                                         

Career Counseling:  Will resume as soon as the College confirms that careers will be available.                       

October 12:  Columbus Day: Homecoming and End of the Fall Semester

Celebrated with a bonfire in the quad where Columbus is burned in effigy.   

Plans for the Spring 2021 semester are pending.  Please check the Sturfrei-Wesleyan website for updates.

Given the health risks posed by COVID-19, it’s no surprise that The Chronicle of Higher Education recently featured an article entitled “Why the Fall Will Be a Liability Minefield” for colleges and universities (May 29 online). 

Instead of being immobilized by this challenge, Middlebury College in Vermont is embracing it.  When students return to campus in August, they will find that the second floor of the McCullough Student Center has been converted into a honeycomb of offices representing legal firms they can easily access for lawsuit assistance.   

As Middlebury President Laurie Patton put it, “we know that we are putting students in harm’s way by bringing them back here with no vaccine available.  And given our liberal worldview, we feel really guilty about that, just as we feel really guilty about every thought we think and every action we take at Middlebury, every day of the year.  By making it convenient for students to sue us, we hope to send a message that says, ‘we may be screwing you, but we’re doing our best to help you screw us’.

“We are committed to resolving all cases within 48 hours of their being filed, and that includes weekends.  A branch of the town’s municipal court will be housed on the first floor of McCullough, and it will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  A judge will sleep on the premises. 

“We plan to offer a $10,000 settlement to every plaintiff.  With Middlebury’s endowment at $1.1 billion, and fewer than 3,000 students enrolled, we should be able to handle this.

“These procedures can only be used for coronavirus-related cases.  Legal complaints concerning racial injustice, gender bias, and sexual harassment must be filed in person by the complaining party at the State Superior Court in Montpelier.  A faculty task force is hard at work developing an expedited process for these allegations, and their preliminary report is due to be released in October 2021.”

With respect to COVID-19, students receiving Pell Grants can choose to be represented by the Vermont Legal Assistance Clinic or by Bob LeGruyère, a local attorney who specializes in class-action suits involving lead-tainted maple syrup.  Students paying full tuition will be represented by senior attorneys from Cravath, Swaine & Moore, and during the initial interview will enjoy a delicious 3-course meal catered by Wolfgang Puck’s nephew, Dingo Flanelle. 

The positive consequences of Middlebury’s initiative are already being noticed, even before students return to campus.   According to President Patton, “I’m sleeping better now than I have in years.  It feels good to give!”

University leaders across the country, take note.