Brand Name?

True Fact:  On June 12th the trustees of  Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.

Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st.  In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:

“This is a no-brainer.  Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country.  And as far as we know, he never owned a slave.  Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about.  For example:

  • Idi Amin Conference Center
  • Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
  • Heinrich Himmler Research Library
  • Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
  • Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
  • D. W. Griffith Arts Center
  • Marie Osmond Student Union

“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”

Reporter:  “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”

“Not at all.   Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:

  • Martin Luther King
  • Dr. Martin Luther King
  • Reverend Martin Luther King
  • Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
  • Martin L. King
  • M. Luther King
  • M. L. King
  • Marty King
  • The K-Man

“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King.  Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.

“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’.  This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.

“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here.  Clemson, you can eat our dust.”