True Fact: On June 12th the trustees of Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.
Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st. In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:
“This is a no-brainer. Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country. And as far as we know, he never owned a slave. Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about. For example:
- Idi Amin Conference Center
- Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
- Heinrich Himmler Research Library
- Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
- Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
- D. W. Griffith Arts Center
- Marie Osmond Student Union
“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”
Reporter: “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”
“Not at all. Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:
- Martin Luther King
- Dr. Martin Luther King
- Reverend Martin Luther King
- Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
- Martin L. King
- M. Luther King
- M. L. King
- Marty King
- The K-Man
“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King. Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.
“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’. This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.
“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here. Clemson, you can eat our dust.”