True Colors

With professional conferences gradually returning as in-person events in the Not-Yet-Post-COVID Era, adjustments are being made.  For example, in November the American Evaluation Association will use “a coding system for badges to share social distancing and interaction preferences with other attendees (i.e., one color to signify you are ok with shaking hands, one color to request social distance, etc.).”

This strategy is now being adopted by a number of colleges and universities across the country as the fall semester is about to begin.  Leading the way, by a wide margin, is the University of Kentucky, where faculty will be able to affix a variety of colored ribbons to their shirts, blouses, and blazers to communicate crucial information.  

Here are their current choices, with more to come:

RED:  If you touch me, I will hurt you.

BURNT ORANGE:  Don’t breathe on me.

DARK OLIVE:  I refuse to teach online courses.

NAVY BLUE:  I have never eaten lunch in the faculty dining room, and I have no intention of ever doing so.  Don’t invite me. 

ORANGE:  Student evaluations of my courses are invalid.

INDIGO:  The terms “intersectionality” and “lived experience” are my personal triggers. 

EBONY:  I consume a lot of grilled red meat, and it’s okay if you’re not okay with that.   

MAROON:  My pronoun preferences are “zephron,” “flasen,” and “snisk.”

GREEN:  I believe the Big 10 conference should only contain 10 schools. 

TEAL:  Masks are required in my classes, but underwear is optional. 

BLUE:  In my 15 years on the T & P Committee, I have never voted in favor of a candidate’s promotion to full professor. 

GRAY:  I think monkeypox should be called “monkeypox.”

MAGENTA:  I don’t floss. 

PURPLE:  Not sure how I feel about reparations. 

TURQIOISE:  I’ve never met a dean or provost I liked.

The impact of the ribbon system on campus climate will be assessed by a task force of the University of Kentucky Faculty Senate at the end of the semester.  

 

 

 

Bitcoin 2.0

No Joke:  On August 1st the University of Notre Dame became a “cashless retail environment,” with most purchases requiring either a credit or debit card (Notre Dame News, July 25th).  

Not to be outdone, rival Catholic powerhouse Georgetown University has announced that on September 1st it will transition to a prayer-based payment system for everything but tuition. 

According to Georgetown President John DeGioia, Catholic students will recite either the Lord’s Prayer or a Hail Mary in front of voice-recognition devices located at check-out counters across the campus.  Non-Catholics can choose either a generic prayer (e.g., “Hello, God…”) or an irreverent limerick that references the Pope in some fashion (e.g., “There was a Pontiff name Francis…”).  

“By the end of 2025,” says DeGioia, “we should be able to erect a prayer-based power plant at Georgetown that fully meets our institution’s energy needs without relying on fossil fuels.  This is the best kind of win-win: fighting climate change while saving souls.”

NOTE:  Every retail establishment will offer an Express Checkout Lane for customers not currently stained by mortal sin.  These individuals will recite an abridged version of the required prayer (e.g., “Our Father, who art in heaven…Amen” or “Hail Mary, full of grace…goodbye”).  As President DeGioa puts it, “at Georgetown, we’re all about incentivizing virtue.”