Month: November 2025

As ChatGPT and AI storm higher-education classrooms in a fashion similar to Sherman’s troops torching Atlanta in 1864, professors and administrators around the country are frantically seeking a meaningful response.  10 years from now, will term papers and take-home exams be historical curiosities, only to be found in museums?  (“Daddy, tell me another story about when you were in college and used to type the thoughts you had in your head on a piece of paper and then give them to a teacher.  That was so crazy!”)  

But the Resistance is mobilizing.  Consider the University of Maryland at College Park, whose President declared last week that “we will never surrender to AI.”  Beginning in September 2026, the school will redirect all of its non-sports resources into a single degree program: a Bachelor of Arts in Crab-Picking.  

President Darryll J. Pines noted that “Maryland is the one place on earth where you can find the Chesapeake Bay blue crab, the Food of the Gods.  And the only way to extract that delectable lump and backfin meat from its shell is by hand.  It is the epitome of an artisanal craft that leads to secure, well-paid employment.  You learn that craft by watching other people engage in it and then practicing yourself — over….and over….and over.  It is a painstaking process of manual trial and error.  You can’t ChatGPT your way through it, boys and girls. 

“Current students who are majoring in fields other than crab-picking will be given permission to use the NCAA’s transfer portal to finish their degree at another institution in the region.  If you decide to stay at the University of Maryland, however, you must switch your major to crab-picking.

“At the University of Maryland, we’re making higher education great again.  As for AI, you can kiss my Old-Bay-lovin’ ___.”

College fraternities have long had a negative reputation in U. S. higher education, where they are widely viewed as a Sodom and Gomorrah of bad behavior.  But — no joke — a recent national survey, cited by the Chronicle of Higher Education, indicates that fraternity members report a higher level of mental health than non-fraternity males in the same age cohort (Daily Briefing, November 4th online). 

How could that possibly be true?  University Life interviewed dozens of “frat bros” around the country last week to find out.  Here’s a sampling of what these young men told us:

Todd (University of Illinois) — “You ever play solitaire beer pong?  It’s profoundly depressing.  Hell, it makes you want to stop drinking altogether.  I need my guys there to cheer me on.”

Darren (Tulane) — “When you owe DraftKings or FanDuel several thousand dollars and their no-neck collection goons are about to show up and beat the crap out of you, it’s nice to have a brother across the hall who can lend you some cash.  No more concussions and internal injuries for me.”

Hunter (Mississippi State) — “Our fraternity buys high-end condoms in bulk.  I’m talking about Michelin Ribbed Radials.  We tape them next to every surface in the house that has enough space for a human being to lie down on.  That way, a brother is never in a situation where an opportunity presents itself and no protection is readily available.  It takes the stress level down to zero on party nights.”

Finn (Dartmouth) — “When you’re naked and climbing into the 3rd-floor window of a sorority house at 3:00 am, it’s reassuring to know that someone is holding on to the bottom of the ladder.”

Peyton (UCLA) — “Let’s say you haven’t attended class in a month because you’re binge-watching all 28 seasons of South Park.  It’s comforting to have a frat brother tell you that ‘it’s totally okay, man! What you learn from South Park can’t be found in books’.”

Ellison (University of Texas at Austin) — “Getting ready to go on a hot first date when you discover that you have no clean underwear?  Not a problem.  That community laundry basket in the foosball room, filled with fresh boxer shorts, is just what the doctor ordered.  And don’t forget the fabric softener.  Always use Downy, Vanilla Bean scent.  It drives women crazy.”

Spence (Penn State) — “Left to my own devices, I’d eat nothing but Ramen noodles.  But here at Kappa Pho, there’s always a brother who’ll say to me, ‘you might want to consider supplementing that entrée with a Slim Jim.  Gotta get yourself some protein, Spence-Man’.  We’re all about looking out for one another.”

Perhaps it’s time we put a hold on our moral indignation and start giving fraternities the respect they deserve.  Just a thought.

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education essay, authored by no less than a Yale Law professor, argues that “colleges can still pursue diversity” (September 15th online).  

As insightful as this article is, it fails to mention a number of creative strategies that schools around the country are already taking to enhance the diversity of their student bodies without running afoul of Supreme Court rulings.  Here are 10 examples:

Rice University has begun to aggressively recruit male applicants who routinely order salads as an entrée when dining out.  “This demographic has been underrepresented at Rice for decades,” says Admissions Director Whit Slawson.  “We’re calling it our ‘Kale and Croutons Initiative’, and we’re excited!”

The College of Charleston is courting high school seniors who do not believe in the existence of the letter “W.”  “You’d be surprised at how many folks in our state are W deniers,” notes Wendy Hash, Vice President for Enrollment.  “We hope they’ll become the ‘special sauce’ that makes our school more distinctive.”  

The University of Southern California is focusing its efforts on attracting students who have lost a finger and/or toe to frostbite.  According to Gavin LaLouche, Dean of Admissions, “this strategy serves a dual purpose.  It generates more applicants from the northern United States and Canada.  And it exposes our warm-weather students to people who differ from them in a significant way, expanding their view of the world.  Sure, a few of our current undergraduates from the Farm Belt have lost an arm or a leg to a wheat thresher, but frostbite is a whole other deal.  This is a win-win!”

At Arizona State University, ambidextrous applicants are receiving special attention.  An admissions counselor at the school observes that “research conducted by HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. indicates that ambidexterity is highly correlated with being bisexual.  Best proxy ever!  We definitely get to check the LBGTQ+ box with this one.”

The University of Central Florida will begin admitting dolphins in the fall of 2026.  “Dolphins are super-smart,” says Helene Steakum, Chair of the Marine Biology Department.  “Hell, the average dolphin outscores 40% of our current undergrads on the ACT.  Five years from now, I expect that dolphins will hold down most of the work-study jobs in UCF’s Academic Assistance Center.”

For the past two years, Harvard Divinity School has been accepting students who claim they once sat next to Jesus on a Greyhound bus.  “We want to destigmatize individuals who’ve had first-person encounters with the J-Man,” says Edmund “Skip” Gadbutte, Dean of the Div School.  “Our community has learned a lot from them, and not just about theology.”  

The University of Chicago is experimenting with a program that targets applicants who have never visited a zoo.  According to Senior Enrollment Wrangler Scott Segue, “what we’re looking for here are kids who are fine with putting animals in cages, but who object to the smell of zoos.  We need more of these olfactory-gifted students at Chicago.”  

At UCLA, they’re recruiting teens who saw “Wicked I” but have no plans to see “Wicked II.”  “What’s up with these kids?  Whatever it is, we want them here,” reports an admissions counselor who wished to remain anonymous.  

Rutgers University is going all out to enroll the offspring of Mexican drug cartel members.  “For years we’ve neglected the children of drug kingpins south of the border, while relentlessly pursuing the kids of street-level dealers in Newark and Trenton,” claims Timothy Narfton, Dean of the School of Pharmacy.  “It’s time we started welcoming all segments of the drug-trafficking community, not just those in our backyard.”  

For the past 10 months, the University of Idaho’s School of Continuing Education has been offering partial scholarships to applicants 50 years and older who insist on wearing a COVID mask while driving alone.  “A lot of people make fun of these folks,” says Patrice Pez-Necco, the School’s Dean.  “And we’re okay with that.  Once they’re here, we make fun of them too.  But their presence adds a bit of quirkiness to a campus that desperately needs it.  Let’s be honest — overall, our student body is mind-numbingly dull.  Most advising sessions end up with the professor nodding off during the conversation.  We want to change that.”

Isn’t it time for your campus step up to the diversity plate and take a few swings?